I Wish You Were a Stranger I Could Disengage

Today was one of those days.

Just one of those crappy days where you realize things.

It was weird. I was so mad and sad, that I just cried.

It's worse when you realize how alone you feel, then you actually being alone. Bleh.

Today was just a crappy day for all of this.

I felt accomplished though. I got a lot done for my open house.

Then all this nonsense hit me when the friends started to arrive for everyone else. Bleh again.

I have no idea what has gotten into me suddenly.

I also have noticed some people trying to rekindle some friendship. Guess who? That's right. Brad. No complaints there though, much to many people's disregard. But I'm sure if Rosie is okay with it, the rest of you guys can be. I went to his open house, and surprised him. Haha that was kind of funny. So the friendship department is kind of looking up, I guess. Then again, I think I managed to piss Cam off again. Gah, I need to learn when to say something and when not to.

I just hate when my stupid needy part of me kicks in. I feel desperate. BLEH. I hate that so much. I don't want to be like some people I know; so desperate for anyone. I DON'T WANT THAT. I want that special someone, who is actually worth my time! Gahhhhhh.

Hello, I Haven't Heard From You In While

Your text surprised me yesterday.

Our conversations surprised me too.

The quick turn of events even scared me a little as the night wore on.

I was shocked by what you had to say, because I haven't heard those words from you in months.

It kind of frightens me.

What now?

Bedtime Stories

My dreams just really like to freak me out.

The first dream I encountered last night took place in some sort of government building. Cam and I were wandering among the hallways there looking at the signs and such posted upon the walls. Then we heard gun shots. We started to run so fast, I'm pretty sure you could barely see us. "Where do we go?" I screamed as the hallways started looking more and more the same with every turn. "In here!" He yelled back as he pulled into this vast shower/ storage room. I realized then that there were more people following us, afraid of the sniper, or snipers above. The group divided to find some place to hide. Cam grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me along to the showers, because I was incapable of moving at this point. "Hide in here," he said and tried to push me away into the shower. I grabbed onto his wrist, "No. I don't want to hide alone; I'm too afraid." I could see myself shaking from the way his hand moved as he held onto my wrist. "Just go, it'll be fine. I swear." He gave me a quick hug then, and pushed me into the shower. He closed the curtain behind me, and I could here he move quickly to one a few down from me. As I climbed into a good hiding position, I could hear the screams and gun shots getting louder and closer. I took a deep breath, and said a prayer for those in this room. The door banged open and i heard one gunshot hit the ceiling. I grabbed on tight so I didn't slip and fall and give away my hiding place, not that it was good anyways. Then I heard him walk this way, and someone jumped from the shower on top of him. I could hear as the attacker broke the gunman's fingers and kicked the gun away. I peeked over the top of the showers to see if anyone else had moved. They did. So i took that as my leave to get out. I tumbled out of the shower, and made my way as fast I could to Cam. Then I woke up.

The second dream took place in the desert. I have no idea where this desert was, but it was so nice and warm and there were eighty other people there that I knew; all my friends were there. We were out walking in the sand, among tumbleweeds and lots of cacti with flowers; laughing and running about. Then we heard it. An engine roaring above us from a massive airplane. Behind it was a peculiar machine. It was bright green, with a white head, and it was open in the back. On it, in white words, it read "Airline Bus." We could see on the inside three passenger airplanes being carried inside of it. We all looked at it with our mouths hanging open as the first plane flew out and flew to the right of where I was standing. The second plane then flew out and when straight ahead of where I was standing. I quickly turned to see the first airplane pummeling toward the grown in the distance; we started to run the opposite direction. The third plane was making its way out, heading straight for the ground about 300 ft from where we were gathered. We sprinted towards the caves in the distance. I swear I could feel the heat from the explosion and the crash as the third airplane finally hit the ground, simultaneously as the second airplane hit the grown in the distance. The Airline Bus flew away with the other airplane dragging it along in the sky. We continued to run and scream to safety. I screamed for those that I didn't know where they were. Then I woke up.

Here it goes again; my dreams trying to tell me something.

This time I'm searching.

My first dream placed me in a storybook town in Denmark, looking amongst the books in a brightly colored and weirdly arranged bookstore. The titles of the books were in English and Dutch. I'm not sure how I understood the Dutch, but I think that was just my mind playing tricks on me. I had no idea what I was looking for, but I felt the need to find this purple book with golden words on the cover. An answer to my problems? Who knows? I woke up without ever finding it.
My next dream was placed at my friend Katie's house, but her house was very different. It was three or four stories high, with many, many rooms. All of the rooms were the same size, but each one was decorated differently. I was joined in a search party to find her grandma, but I got tired of walking with all the people, and I went my own separate way, off on my own. I also decided to stop looking for her grandma and I just continued to wander amongst the rooms. This last dreams was so peculiar, because what was the point after that? Well, I didn't get the chance to find out because I woke up when I made it to my sixth room on my own, decorated in the medieval style.

I'm Sorry

I don't know where to go with this. I keep forgiving you. Now I know I shouldn't. I should be enraged and so angry with you that I should want to go beat you up right now, but I know I would regret that more than merely accepting you as a friend. I always give in. I don't know if I'm mad with that concept or not. I just really want this to be figure out. We need time, yes. I need help, yes. You need to think, yes. Space is inevitable as we work things out within our hearts. We tore each others' hearts to pieces last night and today. You told me things I never thought I would hear from you. I said things that i would like to cut my fingers and tongue off for. I hated what we have done to each other. We have come to the point where we are unsure of what to do next, not in a romantic way. Its to that point where we are worried about how much of what we have said to each other has really affect their heart. Its so broken and torn right now. We avoid any conversations of past, present, and future togetherness. Its an awkward, steady conversation that feels empty and almost hopeless. There is a little hope though. Hope for that last ray of sun to shine through on our clouded emotions. We've apologized, but have not directly said "I forgive you." We are still hurting from what was said, and know that it will take some time for those cuts to heal as well. This complicated stream of emotions has ripped us to shreds, in good and bad ways. I'm not sure what to do next. Do you? No, I didn't think so. Time still hasn't taken its toll yet.

Oh I lied, I have one more thing to get off my chest. By The way, Happy Graduation

"I understand that you like Katie. You told me it wouldn't work. You don't have to be an ass to me okay?"
"I am not being an ass. What did I even do? Just because I don't spend 25 hours of the day with you doesn't make me an ass."
"Just the fact that you were a jerk to me and arrogant about it. You know how I feel. Forget it, have your promiscuous dancer Cam. Shes cute and nice and not a Bitch like me. I'm tired of hoping we are fine and we aren't. I love you Cam, but I am so tired of being hurt. Its like you don't consider my feelings."
"Its like you act cool with everything and then take back everything you say. Real cool Meg. Maybe if you told me the truth then I would understand how you feel. Not have to guess your emotions."
"Fine Cam here. I love you. Not sure how strong. I declined meeting someone new because I'm not over you. It breaks my heart every time you say it doesn't work. I'm afraid to be with you because I'm afraid you will hurt me again. I still get butterflies when you touch me. "
"Not sure if butterflies are enough to keep a relationship running..."
"And the other information didn't mean anything?"
"Guess not."
"Alright then..."
"Sorry. Its just that we keep trying and it hasn't worked yet, so I'm done."
"No I'm trying Cam, because I still love you. I don't know what you are doing. You never ever said how you felt about me."
"I give up. Tap out. I am done for good."
"Why Cam? You want to be with em still. Am all I'm still good for is sexual stuff?"
"No I am done with all of it. It is time to move on. No summer flings. No secret dating. Nothing."
"You kill me Cam..."
"Sorry but that is the way it has to be."
"So that your life is easier. You do this all the fucking time!"
"Then get over me then. That is your own fault that you keep coming back. I have no control over what you do."
"Ive never left Cam! Ive tried to get over you and then you come back and I'm worried on what I'll miss out."
"Then just leave. Go with someone else."
"Yeah easier said than done Cam. You should try it too, and see where it leads you. You haven't fully moved on either."
"Yeah but at least I try. You are just straight up hopeless. I kinda feel bad for you..."
"Wow thanks. That's the last thing that needs to be said to me. Ive tried Cam, seriously I have. There have been opportunities and whatnot and it just sucks."
"Opportunities? Like what?"
"Like meeting people. Going to see Alexis's cousin. Hes been through the same shit as me. I don't know..."
"Ha Oh 'my boyfriend is off and on with me. My life sucks. BLAH BLAH.' Who gives a fuck? You know who does? No one."
"What the fuck? I'm not even talking about my life sucking. Yeah its hard to see someone you care so much for with someone else, and hoping that his new girl treats him just right and cares just as much for him too."
"Fuck that. I am over your little pity party. See ya! You live too much in fantasy land. Perhaps read a little too much Stephenie Meyers. And for the record, vampires don't exist. Neither does true love. Deal with it."
"Fuck you Cam. I don't believe in that. I've learned enough from yo that love is full of bull shit. You don't give a fuck if someone loves you or not. You treat everyone like shit. You are such a fucking jerk. I am ashamed to love you."
"Ha too bad about 5 texts ago you said you always have and always will! Haha you are such a hypocrite. Its funny how people are still your friend. :)."
"However its not funny on how you insist on tearing people to pieces for your own pleasure..."
"No not people. Just you."
"I fucking hate you Cameron...Why do you do this to me?"
"Ha I am sure you know why. Remember when you were with Brad. I told you that I was over it? Payback is a bitch isn't it? :) Have fun! I'm out."
"All over on thing a year ago?! Cameron, I came back to you time and time again. How the fuck are you still upset by that? You fucking cheated on me! I have been so true to you, and you still continue to treat me like shit."
"Bye Bye!"
"You are such an arrogant conceited fucking ass hole! All I did was care for you..."
"Yup. Then destroyed my feelings. The best part about this whole thing is that it was on graduation night! So you will never forget that this happened! I am a genius. Hehe."
"You destroyed my feelings a hundred times worse than what I did to you. You went on a break, you broke up with me 4 times., you cheated on me. You fucking cheated with an ugly ass freshman! Yet I still loved you Cam. You are such a fucking idiot."
"Yeah and you were the one that crushed my feelings in front of my entire team. I will never forget that night. Ever. And I hope you have the same feeling. Ha I don't even have to call you any crude names. I already know that you are crying already. On that note I will take my leave."
"Yeah I know I wont forget. I was wrong only once. You have been wrong so many times. I bet you wont forget that either."
"Ha prolly will. My whole plan is to move on and forget you completely. It seems to be working as planned. We will both be better off that way."
"Maybe. Unless I find someone and you haven't or vice versa. Or we both haven't found someone else."
"No. I pretty much am already moved on as you can see. I will forget you prolly after the first year of college or so."
"Yeah whatever you say Cam..."
"Goodnight is what I saw now. Good morning rather. Bye."
"Yeah bye Cameron."

Not Getting My Hopes Up

Ehh I'm not too sure what to say. I have Alexis, Josh, and Angel getting me background information. I am such a stalker...

Haha I've been freaking out for days about this new kid. What is he like? What's his past? Is he my type? When can I meet him? Will he like me? What do you think about the possibilites?

Its been a while since I've considered a potential new someone, and it shows.

Not over Cam fully though. I dont want to go into something unless I'm totally ready, but I have all summer for that. They hope that I can help him out because he has been through the same crazy relationship issues that I have been through. Maybe this new guy will help me out too.

Maybe...