Depressive Jealousy

The big green monster inside of me is beginning to subtly lash out. The victim: Rosie. I'm not terrorizing her or anything, but silently holding in my emotions, and looking pissed off when I see her. I don't mean too, it's just my subconscious taking over.

The first thing that started it off today was the realization that I didn't have a "Good Morning" text on my phone from him like I would every Saturday. So I sit in my bed and wallow in myself pity for not getting a sweet text and for knowing that I wont hang out with him today. Then I make it down the stairs where I come to find out that Rosie has been cheerfully texting her boyfriend since 8 o' clock this morning. Inwardly pouting some more, the day goes on, where I come across another realization; Rosie has to hang out with him today for at least an hour. Not alone of course, but for a group project for HOSA. I take that as my cue to make it to my parents' room to clean it, while blasting music of my hopelessness, wallowing in self pity some more. Shutting myself in my parents' room was a good way to escape and clear my mind a bit. I make it downstairs later on and sit at the table, being lame and playing Sims2. Rosie comes home, but leaves in 10 minutes. Guess where she goes? That's right, Josh's house. I am really miffed at this point, and call Bri's house about four times to try and make plans. Becoming more mad at myself when I forgot that she wasn't home, I make it to my room and clean the whole entire thing; going over things twice, ripping pictures off my walls, blasting music, re-organizing already well-organized things. I cant take it anymore. I call Bri again, and she answers. We make plans, and I get out for the night. I casually bring him up in conversation, Bri forgets that we aren't dating, and I remember that I'm supposed to be hanging out with him then. The night goes on, and he is still there in my mind the entire time. I tirelessly think of him, and hope that he texts me, wonders what he is doing, think about what we could be doing right then and there, and wonder if he would come to my first bonfire. I didn't mean to mentally ditch Bri, but I was there, I was enjoying myself fully, but I was still internally moping; becoming more pathetic by the minute. Moving on seems too impossible right now. I don't think I want to just yet, silly as that may sound. I like the feeling of liking him, it makes me feel like I never have, even though its so incredibly hopeless and simply pathetic. I have plenty of time anyways.

Gah, this sucks. I regret to say that I am still paranoidly conscious of where is in relation to me at all times. I thought it would be so easy to move on, because I wasn't as into the relationship as I had hoped I would have been. This is not the case. I am having the hardest time of my life. I seriously can't seem to get him off of my mind. I always light up when he is still in the room as me, or when we get a chance to talk ( regrettably not too much today). I'm afraid that he has easily moved on, and that he is already talking to another girl. I know we are supposed to move on and such, but i just can't, not yet. This whole "best friend" thing is just not working...

Call Me Crazy

I hate my Bioethics student teacher. I know its mean, but I really can't stand to listen to anything that comes out of her mouth. She just really gets on my nerves really fast. Like today for instance. She spent the whole hour discussing horses. First of all, I hate horses, and I do not find them interesting in the least bit. Second of all, cloning creeps me out. So put the two together and I could give a damn about what you are talking about. Yes, it was about what we were discussing in class overall, but I really don't think we need to waste our time discussing that when she said we are already a week behind, and that this information is not going to be on a test. Bleh.

So I really hate how much we are better friends then in a relationship. Today was a whole lot less awkward then I thought it was going to be. I don't want to say that made me mad, but I was just sort of miffed at the fact that we were made to be just friends. It's annoying. I'm glad that we can go on as great friends, laughing with each other and just acting normal. I don't know if I can call it jealousy, because I cant be jealous at myself can I? I guess my relationship-self is jealous at my friend-self. I'm not too sure if I'm making any sense at all right now, but at least I know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure that's all that matters. I hope...

My Best Friend

Two weeks. That's all it took. Actually it was twelve days. It took exactly twelve days for me to realize that this wasn't going to work. I had a feeling it wouldn't. It all started when I was trying to tell him differently about something, and it blew out of proportion. He said that I had changed, and my friends have done bad things to me. I knew this had been bugging him, but I was glad he knew how i felt just a month ago. He then began to toss ultimatums at me, expecting me to choose one or the other; my friends or him. I wanted to choose him, but I had to know what that entitled. Asking what I would get out of that gave him the wrong idea, and he told me I chose my friends and I had failed the test. I was going to choose him, but I didn't know if i wanted it. I love him so much, but I wasn't happy. I was happy the first week we started dating again, I was so happy that I knew something that nobody else did, and that I got to keep what we had as something special. Then the love started to dwindle down, as things became awkward for me. When something wrong would happen, I would imagine myself with someone else, to see how the situation would have happened differently. Not knowing that person well enough, helped me to keep on going with Cam, because I loved him most of all.

I'm not too sure why I kept fighting for our relationship to stick together. I guess it was the fact that I didn't want someone else to have him, and that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I felt that he was mine to be had, because we love each other and had been through so much. He was just as much a part of me as I was a part of him. Basically two peas in a pod. I convinced myself that I was happy, and that I was lucky to be with him. I wanted to do anything to please him, but that didn't turn out as I had planned. I began to worry about losing my friends. With college coming up, I dreaded losing anyone that I might lose in the future; I want as much time with them, as anyone else.

So now Cam and I are holding the "Best Friend" title. At least I think we are. I think it was made to be that way, as much I would like to ignore it. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that some things happened, and I wish that some things didn't. I don't regret much except that I didn't love him as much as I had wanted to. He still means the world to me, whether I can be with him or not. I'm still going to care for him, watch over him, laugh with him, and be with him when he needs me.

He is my best friend.

True Friends?

I find it quite annoying when people tell me to hang out with. My friend asked me today that he wanted to hang out Friday, and I told him that I would get a group of people to get together to hang out. I also informed him of my lack of money, and that I would need to go somewhere cheap, or free, preferably the latter of the two, hinting towards Borders. As soon as mention the fact that I would like to make it a group thing, he starts to name off the people that are my good friends who he doesn't particularly like; calling them annoying and insisting that he "needs time just with my favorite twins." I nicely informed him that he mentioned some of my best friends, and that they really aren't that bad. I'm hoping he feels stupid for his dumb comment, because he hasn't hung out with these people very much, and don't know them as much as he thinks. I hate the human nature of being judgemental, it can really piss me off.

Speaking of judgemental...

Another thing that really aggravated me was the fact that people were talking about me in class today, while I was listening. They were of course talking about Cam and I, and pointing out that we were "making flirty eyes" at each other. The thing is though, that they had to whisper it to everyone else in the class first, before proceeding to laugh some more as Cam and I gave questionable looks at each other, causing more looks and disrupting the whole class. Its not like we couldn't hear our names being spoken around to everyone. I asked him what they said, and he said he wasn't sure. So the rest of my day was spent being lamely paranoid about the fact that people are still poking fun at me and Cam. I know that what they did wasn't that big of a deal, but it hurt me that people I thought were some of my good friends, insisted making a big deal out me and Cam. Why cant you guys just get over it? I know that most don't approve, but I think I can make my own decisions now. I just wish that people would at least support me a little bit. I support some of my friends when they do something or say something that they I don't really agree on, because I know that's what makes them happy.

Little Misunderstandings

I hate misunderstandings. They always seem to be the cause of all problems; if people get the wrong idea about you, or you don't elaborate enough. It also causes confusion on whose fault it is, not that it is any one's fault anyways, but naturally, its human nature to blame someone. So not knowing who to blame can make a bigger argument in itself. Which can be very annoying. Personally, I think it always make me feel better to blame someone, but if there is too much confusion in the matter, its better to walk away. Not that I do, because I'm just too stubborn and would prefer to be right about everything, but you know, that never works. Which can also add to more problems, being blown out of proportion, and can lead to various different consequences, all usually sucking in their own way. It's great you know?

Dizzy

I almost told her today. Many people already know; some of them, I told them to keep it quiet, others, I told it was nothing new. I just don't understand why I can't tell her, my own twin sister! I think I'm starting to become afraid of her. I don't know why, but I'm just so afraid that I will let her down so much that we wont even talk anymore. I would hate that. So why can't I do a simple thing and just tell her what's going on. I'm sure she already knows, and I'm sure someone may have told, if they haven't already, then it's coming. It should be easy to say, "Rosie, I am dating Cam again." I find that it's not. I came so close to saying it. She was telling me how one of her friends used her as an example for her religion class, saying that Rosie and Josh are a couple who love each other and will wait to have sex until marriage. I almost said, "why didn't she use me as an example?" then I refrained, because I was afraid, plus my friend doesn't know we are dating yet either. Gahhh! I don't understand. I am more willing to tell my friends who I have only know for a few years, than to tell my sister who I've known since before I was born! I feel like I have this guilt I'm carrying around with me, because I haven't told my family that we are official yet. I know my mom has caught on, because she asks me normal conversational questions like, "What is Cam doing after school?", When does Cam work?" These are questions she would ask when Cam and I were dating before. She hasn't said anything about how she doesn't like the idea of us dating again since 2 weeks ago, and I'm glad. It would make me feel even more guilty. I don't know why I have to be with him, but I feel like I do. I can't stand to be away from him, and I care way too much about him than to let anyone else have him. Selfish I know, but he feels the same. Cam and I are so ridiculous and so crazy, I don't understand how we function, but we do. It makes me so happy to know that he wants me to be the one to cheer him up, and to be the one the he says good morning to as soon as he gets up and turns on his phone. It almost cancels out thee guilt I have being with him, because it's such a relief that we are on the same page with each other now. I just pray that we can both keep our promises, and I just hope for the best.