"She just doesn't have any confidence in herself!"

That's my mom, speaking to my dad, in the other room, after I left the room, after we had a deep discussion about my future.

I would like to say that I am done talking about my future, and I feel as if it has been over done, and talked about more than I would like, but there is no way for me to make the talk stop. I am tired of it. It stresses me out.

Although, I would have to say that my dad is at least giving me some kind of encouragement, but other than that, its not like I am getting ANSWERS. Not that I really expect ANSWERS, because obviously I have to figure this all out on my own.

It just gets frustrating.

My mom told me that if I don't get into MSU, that I should just stay home and not waste my time going to LCC when I could live at home for free and go to U of M Flint. I wanted to cry. There is no way in Hell that I would want to live at home, here, by myself, with no sister, or friends to help me through it. I guess Cam would be here, but I can't really count on him being there for me like I am there for him. I think I would shoot myself. I can just imagine the long and lonely WEEKENDS that I would be spending ALONE, EVERY DAY, BY MYSELF.

To say the least, I HOPE and PRAY, that I will not encounter that as my future.

I hope my future at least holds some cash and an apartment all to myself.

I guess I need to figure this shit out.

I need that job at SUBWAY. I need that MOTIVATION. I need the FINANCIAL SUPPORT.

I just need to get out of here. I need to figure out what the hell to do with my future.

It looks like I will be settling with a business major? Maybe?

Also, if I don't have a deposit saved up before MSU, then I definitely CANNOT move down there.

This entry is making me feel more depressed by the minute.

Looks like I will be going to U of M Flint and working for my dad guys.

Looks like it.

Great.

My Major.

(I have been listening to this non-stop)

I am still waiting to hear from MSU, which has me really worried. I keep checking to see what documents are missing and its still waiting for my ACT Writing score, which makes no sense because they have my other scores. So, I think I will pay the $2.80, or whatever, to have it sent, and then hope things fall into place with that. Hopefully.

I need a job for sure though. I need to have enough money saved up for a deposit and the first month, or two. I need a sense of security there, because I NEED TO MOVE OUT.

That's pretty much what it comes down to. I need a job so that things start to feel like they are happening. Right now. the fall seems like a dream, and that dream means moving out and actually me feeling like I am doing something with my life. I need to get the ball rolling so things start to fall into place. I have my hopes set high for EL, and I want more than anything for that to happen. Even if it means going to LCC, because that means I will at least be DOING SOMETHING.

So this leads back to MY MAJOR. I'm pretty sure no one is taking me seriously on this one, not even myself. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a Journalism major? Nothing. You're right. I know my mom has been saying it, but we all know that I don't listen until my dad starts being serious about something. He said he wasn't giving money to a school unless I was serious about my major. This got me thinking.

First of all, SHIT I NEED YOUR MONEY DAD TO HELP ME PAY FOR MSU, PLEASE BE OKAY WITH MY LIFE CHOICES. PLEASE, OH PLEASE.

Then secondly:

Do I REALLY want to go into journalism?

This idea has really been tossed around a lot. My mom keeps pushing me to go for business, but I think I would rather stab my foot with a pool stick than do that. I mean, I always did well in my English classes, and so this kind of confirmed that writing would be okay for me. I have taken other classes in college and enjoyed them just as much as my English classes. Its all so confusing, and I don't know what to do. Laura was going to go into Psychology, but my mom thought that was stupid and had her call MSU to change it to Environmental Biology. Should I change mine to a science as well? I enjoy science, but only Biology. Blehhh. I enjoyed Sociology and Psychology, but I don't feel like going to school for a thousand years. I also don't feel like being a teacher, and that's where most of these lead. My mom told me to go into Business with a German minor, but I don't know. I kind of suck at German again, and business is the worst idea ever. Also, what's the point if all the businesses are failing. Oi. Stupid economy.

These are my ramblings. I could talk about my weekend at MSU too, but it was nothing too exciting. I got drunk Friday, went to a frat on Saturday where all the boys wanted Rosie and not me, went to Barnes and Noble for six hours with Rosie and a couple guys, who also like Rosie, and Cam and I had an awkward discussion about how if we liked each other, that would be awkward. So, I was Awkward Meg all weekend long.

Its A New Year.

I promised myself I would start doing this more this year. Seeing as it is only the beginning of Day 4, I think I am doing a pretty good job.

I haven't much to say these days, only that life is becoming more monotone. Hooray. A couple friendships have been growing a bit more as the month of December passed by, such as things with Cameron. I'm really glad that that has been okay. The only thing that hasn't been okay has been the way view this new relationship. I guess its not really new to me, seeing as I have been friends with him, steadily, for almost a year now, but now we actually hang out and talk on the phone if we are both ungodly bored. I guess that means people can start being pissed at me for something again. At least I think that's how most of my family sees it. I get told "be wise" about 5 times a week, and my sister rolls her eyes when she sees my phone going off and its a text from Cameron. I know the past is something to be afraid of, but in his defense, and mine as well, we are both totally different people now. Maybe not a full 180 different, but different enough to where we can come to terms about things, and leaves things in the past that should just be left there. I haven't had to worry about awkward moments between us too much. It just feels...normal? I don't want to say that and make it sound like I am falling in love with him again and we are back doing what we used to, but that's the only word I can use to explain it. We are just friends, and I am grateful for that. The only awkward moment was when his little brother, Ian, didn't remember me, and everyone had to explain that he knew me before, and some random memories were brought up. Other than that, his family has been accepting, and it feels like old times again. We all sit around watching movies, eating grilled cheese, and playing 360, Playstation, and computer games. When we get alone time from his brothers, we go out for a smoke (he is doing all the smoking), we talk about how much things have changed for the both of us, and how different we are. It almost feels like the rolls have been switched, but I hope I don't become the heartbreaker with a knack for messing with guys' heads. I think people just want me to be his enemy, and for him to be my enemy, but with only a few close friends sticking around Flint, I can't waste them on enemies. I mean, who would rather have more enemies than friends?

Other than Cam, I have made a couple new friends, and gotten closer with a couple more SP people, so that is great too. Other than that, these last four days have been getting my head around the future and where that is headed. One thing I am doing is working out until my ass falls off. I really need to get in shape, and start eating better. I mean, getting in shape is a bonus when trying to get rid of all this shitty food I eat. All I ever do is snack, and I am trying to cut that out. Hopefully this motivation lasts me past my first week of school otherwise I am going to die.

Speaking of school, I should probably order my books, and maybe open my German book again and remember some of the things that I learned. Sheesh.