Restless.

I can't keep it in. I run around my room to try and find something to do. About the only successful thing was introducing my head to the glass top of my desk (not in a bang-my-head-over-and-over sort of way). I move about the room, trying to find something to do. I can't write anymore, I can't find anything that interests me, I can't do anything, and yet I NEED to. I need to get away and get my head on straight. I need to find out what this really means. I'm not so sure why I find this such a hard decision. Why can't I just let go? Or why can't I just accept it? I don't want to give up my last chance at something I have been chasing for so long. It feels as if I am in a nightmare. I finally get something that I want, and yet, something is holding me back. I am ready to start all over, but I have the fear. The common fear of those who have seen this all before. Yet, I can tell that there is something different, something I have never seen before, and I think that is what is scaring me. I think that finally I get this chance to have what I have wanted for the past three years, and now that I have it, I am afraid that it will disappear, or that it will end so horribly that I will never be able to get back the pieces that I had of me before. I am afraid to let myself go this one last time, just because I want to hold onto the last piece of sanity I have left. It's me now that is afraid of the commitment that is at hand. I am afraid that I won't be what he wants anymore, and I am afraid that he won't be what I want anymore. Do you realize how long I have dreamed of this happening? What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I am relying on the past. This past which has determined most of my life the past three years. This past that has turned me away from most, and keep me looking at just one. This past which I haven't learned anything from, but have learned everything that I have ever wanted to know. This past that tortures me until I realize what I want. This past that shows me what to do, and yet tells me nothing. It's confusing, these emotions I feel right now. I can't tell whether I am up or down. I feel like I am back at square one, but not in my little piece of heaven like I was three years ago. I need to know if I am making a bad decision, or a good one. I mean, does it really matter? I am young, right? Shouldn't I be willing to make a fool of myself for those I care about? Shouldn't I know that time will only tell what is to be? Shouldn't I understand what doesn't happen now will never happen again, or it could by chance? Things are determined now, and I think that is another thing that scares me. I think that I finally realize that this might actually be "crunch-time." That this might actually be where I start to find myself- to find myself as I am with someone else. I may only be eighteen, but I feel as if I need to start making life decisions now, besides on my education. These decisions decide who the fuck I will turn out to be, because I sure as hell don't understand right now. I feel like I need to give this a chance, just a chance, and see how it goes. I feel like I can't let this go untouched, I feel as if this might be a very important chance. I also feel like, if I don't take this chance, I will lose him forever, and I just can't let that happen. I am so conflicted, I just don't know what to do. He is giving me more time to decide this time around, but I feel weird, because this kind of thing is usually never up to me. My decision-making side of me feels embarrassed and mediocre to this problem at hand, and I really need to get some stuff sorted out. I guess just one girls' night wasn't enough; I will take tomorrow too. I know, not matter what, I will receive much grief from this, from either decision, but I know even more so if I am to say "yes." But who is to care? I feel as if I need to make these decisions, although whichever one I pick, both will probably feel wrong at first, but I think that is something that I can get over, right? I will know when it isn't something that needs to be, right? Why can't what I am feeling be said so much easier? Why can't I just drive over to his house right now and tell him what's what? Why can't I just call him and tell him to fuck off? Why can't I make him disappear? I want this to work, but it scares me. I fear that this will all come back to bite me in the ass. I just need some time.