Love.

I'm not strong enough to say yes or no. I'm not sure what would happen if I answered the question at all. I just wish things didn't have to be this way. So many things are getting in the way right now. Was it always meant to be like this? Was I the one destined to make the choice? Was I the one who would always feel torn like this? I hate that it has come to this. Why now? Why me? Why this? Why this only chance? Why has this happened to you? Why couldn't this have been happening when I prayed for it every single night? Why did I finally decide to give up? Since when did I lose hope in things? I can't take this right now. I wish that this never would have happened. I wish that this was said to me a month ago. I wish that I never chose to forget. I know I never forgot; I still pray for you. I just wish that it would have been answered at a more convenient time. I wish that I didn't feel this way. I think I can truly feel my heart ripping in two right now. One side is for you, the other is for God knows what. I know what is holding me back, to some extent. I am living in fear of the future. I know I should just let things happen, but what if it ends worse than I could ever imagine. What if I come to realize that I could never love you back? What if that old feeling has gone for good? What if I can't find any way to let you come back to me? What if my heart never wants to open back up for you? What if we end up going our separate ways? I have no idea how to go about this. I know that everyone will hate me for this. I just don't know. My eyes hurt from crying every night so confused and depressed with all of this. My heart aches at the thought of losing you forever. My mind is pulsating from going over everything in my head hour after hour. I do pray every night that things would turn around, but now that they have, my heart feels as though it is made of lead. I don't know if I am willing to let it all go now. I think I am losing it. People are noticing now my sanity going. I don't see why something like this has to be so stressful. I can't take it, yet I am almost willing to throw everything out the window just to show that I can do it, that I can prove people wrong. I wish that it didn't have to be this hard. I wish... I wish that loving you was a whole lot easier.

Well she want's to be the queen
And she thinks about her scene
Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to be the queen!"

Please just say something. I know you want to say it. Age shouldn't matter. Sheesh. You came so close to slipping up last night, and the night before. I know you want to get it out of your system, so do it! Please...


Why do you always do this to me. Do you like to haunt me, because it seems like you do. I'm sorry that I have grown to like you less, that is just the way of life. I know you have found some renewed feelings for me, but I just can't take it. I am so tired of feeling this way. You make me feel guilty for living a life away from you. You toss out ultimatums as if they would affect me, but you know in the end that they have no effect at all. Please, just help me out a little be here and give me some time, or something...

Pity.

I can deal with you hurting me over and over again, but I can't stand hurting you like this. It's killing me.

Strange.

Things are getting strange all around.
The relationships I seem to have had with some of my friends a couple months ago have changed and gone places I never would have thought they would go.

Books.

As soon as I make it home from my class tomorrow, and have turned in my last paper, and have thrown my books on my shelf so that I can forget all about them...

I AM GOING TO READ A GOOD BOOK.

Many of them in fact. I have fallen SO far behind on my reading for leisure kind of thing. I feel at a loss without a good book under my nose. I miss being a book nerd oh so much. Good thing I have about a years worth of unread books on my shelf currently. I think I shall tackle those first before heading to Border's to buy more. I need to finish Artemis Fowl, Blue Like Jazz, Lullaby, and Brisingr. I know, I know, I'm a tad behind because I started Brisingr in the SUMMER. School happened, and therefore, I lost reading time. Well now I'm getting it back. Thank goodness.

Sorry to complain about my lack in nerdiness haha.

I'm praying for you.

I see a pattern with your suicidal thoughts.

Stressin'

Wednesday cannot come soon enough. I am soooo tired of studying and going over Chemistry stuff, my head could explode!
Speaking of which, I think that I might actually do pretty decent on my exam. I did pretty well on my last test which, hopefully, really helped my grade. I get a giant periodic cheat sheet for the final exam, which I can write anything on it, as long as I don't deface the stuff my professor printed out on there. I have been going through my book trying to figure out what stuff I really need to focus on. So I will be studying my butt for my Philo and Chem exams on Tuesday for the next couple days.
Next thing on the list to mention, I think I might be getting a job. Yes, I know, praise the good Lord! Haha. I was talking to my friend Cathy and she told her old boss that she should hire me, and now I'm waiting for a call from her. Cathy told me she is pretty forgetful, so I should consider texting her to let her know that I'm still alive. I'm not sure that is a too reassuring thought. Anyways, I know the owner, Robin, and I have coached her daughter in volleyball, and my mom has taught her kids. So she DOES know that I am a real person. She owns the Mrs. Field's in the mall, and now the new one opening in Grand Blanc. I would more than likely work in GB which would be AWESOME, but beggars can't be choosers. I REALLY hope she calls back soon; I'm getting anxious.
On another note. Things with Cam and I are just dandy now. We only talk a little bit here and there- not an everyday event. This moving on process is kinda sucking, but it's happening. I think.
Things with Josh are getting...weirder? I'm not too sure haha. We are really cool friends, but it's just weird. We both flirt, but want nothing to happen. That's good that we have that understanding. I mean, it would be kind of awkward to find out he thought differently, because I mean, we hangout almost every other day, so that would change things. He's a good kid.
I'm still debating about future kind of things. I don't know if I want to go to Northern, although I have found it VERY appealing. I'm just really unsure about a major still, and so therefore, don't want to make too big of decisions yet. I know, I know, people change their majors a million times, but I at least would like to know which field would at least get me a taste in what I would really like to do. Another thing is, I really just need some money to make living so far away from home, more realistic.

I have this weird mixed-up kind of feeling going on. It's just a kind of blah feeling, and I'm not sure I like it. I feel sort of torn, and I feel sort of tired. All I do is think about what may be causing this feel, and I think I have a pretty good hunch. I almost can't take it anymore. I'm really trying hard, but I don't want to grow impatient, and I don't want to totally lose it before I have the chance to see if I can really get away from it all.

I don't know how many times I've said this the past couple days.

I NEED OUT.

I am seriously going insane. My mom is a fucking psycho. I need out. I seriously do. I'm trapped in this little Hell called my house, and there seems to be no escape. Anywhere but here sounds good right now. Nothing seems to be going good right now. I don't have Cameron in my life in any sort right now, I'm failing Chemistry, and there seems to be no escape for me. I'm so tired of the stupid shit she puts me through. I'm currently trapped in my room so that I can avoid my mother and I don't have to hear here get pissed about God knows what. I just fear the day that I realize I can't leave, or that I somehow find something that keeps me trapped here even more.
The only reason I stayed here was because I knew that all my friends would make their way home somehow, and I would be here waiting for them. It has worked out perfectly until all my friends decided to not be my friends anymore. Mostly I stayed here for Cam and Bri. I'm glad I did, but I really wish I would've made more of an effort to go somewhere else. Everything is going to shit, and it seems like I can't do anything about it. I guess since I'm trapped here, I can study for Chem, but I seemed to have left my books in Bri's car. I'll get it sometime I guess.
Then, on top of all that, I keep having my crazy ridiculous dreams. The water people one the other night was scary as shit. Oh well, those will pass too I guess.
I wish there was a way to get out sooner. I really need to work harder on getting a job, or I'm going to be really fucked.

Deja Vu

Just Friends.

Apologizing means you won't do it again.

Lists, Lists, Lists.

Recently, I have been living my life by lists:
A list telling me the things I need to accomplish for the day.
A list telling me what I should save my money up for when I get a job.
A list of all the places I should apply to next.
A list of things that I need do in order to have the house cleaned by Saturday.
A list of the chemical compounds that I need to have memorized by my exam.
A list of the terms I need to have memorized for my Psychology test tomorrow.
A list of the things I would like to buy my family for Christmas.
A list of all the people I need to catch up with because I feel like I don't even know them.
A list of lists that I need to finish.

We Were Merely Freshmen. Can't Be Held Responsible.

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise

I feel like I am falling slowly into this thing called FAILURE. I told myself over and over and over again that I was NEVER to skip class again, now that I have had a mini vacation, and that I could definitely pick my self up in my classes. As soon as I got to school today, Nicole and I looked through the stuff we were far behind on in English, and walked out the door. We did go to her house to study, and we actually got quite a but done. Then we made it back in time for Psych, only to find out we have a test Wednesday. Good thing we skipped basically the past two weeks. At least I'm getting better grades each time I get a test back; each time its about 4 percent high, so I think that is pretty good.

I really need to be doing better. I need to prove to my parents that I AM independent, and can live on my own. I guess first things first, I need a fucking JOB. I am about to go apply at KFC, okay, not THAT desperate, but you catch my drift. I'm going to apply all day at Kristin's house tomorrow while I'm there. She will keep my motivated. Of course, I need to finish my homework and studying first for all the crap I have due for English, and the test I have in Psychology.
I NEED TO GET MOTIVATED.

Updates Anyone?

So, it feels like it has been a while since there has been a little update. So here I go.
This past weekend was pretty decent. Thanksgiving turned out to be amazing. I had dinner with my family, and proceeded to have dessert at Cam's house with his family. I met his dad's twin brother, Mark and his wife, whose name I don't remember, his grandparent's, his great uncle, and his cousins Caroline and Ethan, who were around Joel and Ian's age. Caroline was the cutest thing ever! Cam's uncle Mark made me feel SUPER weird, and I could tell that he was the super cocky twin ( I was forewarned by Cam that that might be the case). The night wore on, and it was a lot of fun.
Friday, I spent the evening with Bri. We went to see people get piercings, and then she got some of her own. Then we proceeded to dye my hair; something I was totally geeked about at first. The problem was, we bought too light of a hair color, so I looked like Ariel from The Little Mermaid when we were finished. It was a nightmare! I freaked out the whole night, because it wasn't the color I wanted, and it just sucked. So I set an alarm for the early morning, so that Bri and I could go back out and do my hair again before I had to go back home at 10am. We got the color I had initially wanted, and drenched my hair in it so that I could get rid of the red. Most people have liked it so far. I kind of feel like it's not really me, but I will live with it, and when it is time to fix it, we shall see what I want to do next. I guess this means I need to get a picture up for you Jana, so that you can see what it looks like haha.
Saturday was of course bonfire day, and that was a blast. Normally my bonfires start at 7, but this time I figure I should start it at 5 so that we could still have light to play frisbee. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because most people didn't show up until around 7 anyways. It was alright though, because it literally took Cam and I 45 minutes to light the fire due to dampness and freezing cold temperatures. The party was a lot of fun though. It was mostly just catching up and reminiscing, and then even more joking around. Overall, a very good night.
Today was mostly just me having aching knees and being greatly annoyed. It's days like these that I REALLY wish I was living on my own, in my own apartment. Grrr parents! We went to early church, even though the bonfire went kind of late last night, and then we went out to breakfast, Birch Run, and Frankenmuth for Laura's birthday. I managed to buy another ornament to add to my collection- a viking this year haha. My mom was just on my case the whole time of course, because I didn't want to go to game night at church, and would rather go hang out with Cam and do my homework. So told me I could be over there for 4 hours, and had to be home, or I would lose the car, because she wanted to decorate the tree tonight. So I went to Cam's, and it wasn't that great because he wasn't feeling well, and just was kind of in a bad mood the whole time. I left there kind of annoyed for wasting my time, and made it home to find out that we weren't doing the tree anymore. My mom always manages to find a way to piss me off! Oh well, I shall be out of the stupid place soon...I hope.
Next weekend should be a ton more interesting due to the fact that I have no choice but to attend my mother's staff party. Oh Joy.

I am so sick of hearing about next fall, wedding plans, and money. It's killing me.

Love

I don't know how I should feel about this resolution. All my life I have striven for some kind of love from you, and now you are trying to give it. I didn't have to do anything but go to college, and that's all you ask for. My parents are trying to force me to go visit you, because you ask about me all the time, when before, you barely even hugged me. Sure, you said "I love you," but that it was never as sincere as it was to the rest of my sisters, especially Laura and Kristin. I have no idea what I did as a child that made you love me less than the others; that made you chose me as one of your least favorites, but then again, I don't understand what I did this time to make you realize what it is that makes me just as awesome as my sisters. Is it because I'm so much more stubborn than my other sisters, I'm not as funny as my other sisters? Is it because, as a child, I was always too shy to want to go and talk to people, to even spend the night at your house? This is just so strange to me. I feel like I should still be guarded, because its too good to be true.

Now I have to add two more to my list.



I will literally be the last one left.

I just want them to be happy.

I only have a short time left. Well, quite a bit of time, a year, but that seems so short seeing as how well I have known these two people. They pretty much mean the world to me, and now they are about to disappear. Okay, that was kind of dramatic, but it sort of feels like it. They are off to do bigger and better things, and I am stuck here, craving to take Philosophy and English classes as they go to make the world a better place somewhere far from me.
One is about to take a leap in to the great north. Into the beautiful nature that is part of northern Michigan. She will be at least six hours away from me, just far enough for it to make it difficult to get to her. When I get a job, it will be near impossible. Luckily we will still have technology that will allow us to communicate, but that is clearly not the same as hanging out to go take random pictures of exciting (or not so exciting) places. She will no longer be 5 minutes away from me, and I can't go see her at odd hours of the day, or pursue lacrosse (if that still held some motivation for me). This is what she wants though, to get away and experience the true college life, and I'm okay with that.
The other is about to head into the world of the Navy. THE NAVY. He knows I don't like, but he knows I'm still here for him. He could be as close as Ann Arbor, or as far as Ohio State, Purdue, or Notre Dame. He will basically fall off the face of the Earth for a year when he goes into training when he is done with classes. His mom even told him that I would be the only one who would still be waiting here for him. Yeah, he is my best friend, so I think I would still be here for him, no matter how far he goes. He can't expect me to follow him though, unless he gets committed. He knows what I want, or think I want, and he knows that he will have to do something about it if he wants me to keep giving him moral support as he joins the ranks of the armed forces. This is what he wants though, to get away and experience what his dad has, and I'm okay with that.
This all hit me last night, and so I think it will only get worse as they both get ready to leave.

Lethargic.

This week was so Anti-Me that it was crazy. I was sick, I only went to one class a day, I even managed to take a 3 hour nap. It was just not a good week for me at all. I know I missed major stuff in Chem, and I slept through an alarm. Nothing was going right for me at all this week. I didn't do homework, I went to bed late, I couldn't sleep. Not to mention, my favorite cross necklace that I NEVER take off, broke on Sunday, I blame my bad luck on that. Bleh, this week was just horrible.

Not too mention, I have been feeling really down lately. Before today, things seemed pretty crappy. I guess things started to pick up. Probably because things started to get back to normal. I believe its because its the weekend.
Today I went to Philo (still skipped Chem) and I took really good notes and I paid attention. Then I helped Bri with a photography project which was fun. I found out that Napoleon was deathly afraid of balloons when I brought them home; he growled and cowered at them when I walked through the door. Then I went and got my hair fixed. Literally, that's what it needed, a good fixing.
Oh, I learned another interesting thing this week. I have Cam basically whipped still. Totally learned that when he was kind of being a buttmuncher for the way he was talking to me, and I asked him what his deal was, and he said he had better things to do, and I told him alrighty then. So I didn't answer to him, and he apologized and whatnot, and I was thinking, I still got it haha. Lame, I know.
Well this is the ended to my randomly long winded entry. I'll update more later, I guess.

Happy

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
That you win or lose
You cant have everything
Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly
Just cant let it go
Just trying to play my roll
Slowly disappear
Well all these tears
They feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
Well i can stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

So any turns that i cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

You guys must think I'm mentally retarded. I would have to agree with you.

I Survived My First Frat Party...

And it was not too fun for me. It all started with Cam freaking out at me for even wanting to go in the first place, and then I was like whatever, I'm going to go. I mean I guess it was alright, but I didn't like the part when everyone wanted to go to the dance floor. All I could hear on my way down there was Cam's warning, and oh boy was he right. I wanted out! It was awkward and there was way too much of people touching my ass. I don't think I will ever go again. Not fun in my opinion at all. I had fun just hanging out with the people we were with before we went down. It was fun because I got to meet the people in my group, and get to know Rosie's friend Johnny better. He brought three friends of his own. They were hilarious as well, and they made an acronym so that we could remember their names; "Dumb Butt And Dan," translates to Dillan, Brenden, Andrew, and Dan. Weirdly enough, they were all still seniors in high schools, but they were still cool. Especially Dillan. They are all coming back here tonight for an exhilarating game of Monopoly and who knows what else.
Another thing that made the night not so pleasant, was Alexis. Oh my goodness, it was ridiculous. She is one of the people that when they get drunk, they let the whole world know. I constantly heard "I'm so drunk," "My lips are so numb." It was funny the first couple times, but after I was like, please shut up. We left kind of early from the party, and started to walk back to the dorm at like 1:30, and we had been walking for about ten minutes, when Alexis made us take her back so that she could dance more, and be with her cousin. I was going insane at this point, and so we were like fine, we will take you. So Rose and I made our trip back to her dorm alone. Luckily we hadn't drank much, and weren't scantly clad, so there was no worrying about the police storming the sidewalks who were handing out MIP's like Halloween candy. Thank goodness too, that Alexis didn't want to come back here when she was done, because that means we would be letting her in at 4:30am, and that was not about to happen. So when Rose and I got back to the dorm, we stayed awake a bit longer because the little Captain that was still running through us made us hyper, and so she was talking to Josh, and I was texting Cam that I was ok, because he still wanted to freak out, but he got over it thankfully.
And that was the extent of my first Frat party. Also, if you guys were wondering, it was at Sigma Pi, not that anyone really cares haha. It was a horrible bleh house anyways.

I'm sitting here at MSU bored in Rosie's dorm. I have to spend so much time today alone, being awkward, but oh well. At least I get the chance to come down here and maybe make up for the shitty time I had the previous time I visited.
I have an exciting weekend to be A LOT of people I know that are coming down, so maybe I will get to see some people who have basically fallen off the Earth.
I already got to meet some cool people. One of which is Rosie's friend Johnny. He is the funniest thing ever! He makes up jokes out of anything. Right now he is trying to get into a Fraternity and so we are attending that party tonight for Halloween. Rose and I are being lame and being fairies, but we are going to take off our wings eventually anyways.
Another person I met was Ross, London's boyfriend. He is the nicest kid ever, and funny. It's only awkward because Ross and London are ALL OVER each other. Rose says this is completely normal for them, and not the fact that they haven't seen each other in three weeks. They do this when they haven't even seen each other for a week. Not to mention, they Skype too. So this whole thing is kind of ridiculous, and Rose agrees haha. I feel the need to leave the room, but I think they are gonna be patient and wait until I go to lunch with Rose until they get to business haha.
Tomorrow should be A LOT more interesting. Don't get me wrong, a party will be tons of fun, but tomorrow will be awesome. Angel is coming down, and so is Johnny with his three friends, and then Steve which is another of Rose's friends, and we are playing Monopoly. Of course its a drinking game, and we are going to play until we are dead. I'm hoping Alexis will stay another day for that reason too, because we are going to cram as many people possible in this little dorm room as we can. Ross and London will be gone for this because they are giving the dorm room to Rose, and they are getting a hotel haha. Rose is going to have like a million people in here Sunday morning. Hopefully my parents wont come until late afternoon, otherwise, things could get awkward real fast haha.
Well now I must go and try and preoccupy myself as Ross and London get cozy in the room while I'm here. Then I have to find a way not to look weird when I go sit in the cafe all alone for another 2 hours. Yes...

This is Totally Random

I was having a strange thought today. I was thinking, what if people didn't see colors the way I saw them? Let me explain. Say I'm walking down the street, and I point to a stop sign, and ask someone what color it was. We would both agree that it's red, because we all learned from the Crayola Box that that is in fact the color red. But what if I could see through their eyes? Would the color they were seeing be MY shade of red, or would it be MY shade of yellow. They would perceive the world so differently, but never have a second thought about it! They would look at the sky and see "blue" but if I were to peer through their eyes, it would in fact be purple! Its a strange thing to grasp, I know, but its also interesting thing to think about. No one would ever know that they were seeing things differently, because they would name all the things the correct colors in which they were taught. Then the next question would be, which color is right? Would the person who see red as MY red be in the right, or would the person who saw MY green as THEIR blue be in the right? This is such a strange thing to grasp. This idea came to me as I was thinking about my philosophy class and we were discussing how we all perceive things. Hmmm. Like right now, this font is blue to all of you reading this, but what color is your blue to me???

Watching the sunrise on a cloudy day doesn't cause for a good sunrise.

As I sit here so early in the morning trying to accomplish things that need to get done, I realize how torn up I am about all of this. I may not show it, yeah I admit I'm bitter, but it still hurts down deep. I saw what he had to say today, and he recovered fast; already having a date and all. I can't believe what he said to me. How can anyone really have the guts to say that to any one. I also cant believe the things he DIDN'T say to me; the things he kept hidden inside of him. I know what he was trying to do, and I'm so fucking sick of it, you don't even know. I'm tired of having to be fed lies from him. I just wish I could have seen all of this coming. It's my fault for being so blinded I guess, I thought he had changed when he came to me over a month ago telling me everything in his heart, but I guess that's the only place where things had changed. He had shown to me that things weren't going to be different, and he made that evident when I came to him saying I wanted to take the next step. I guess it was just wishful thinking that kept me going with all of this. I'm amazed at how he can be so reckless with friendship. Did anything that happened in the past three years mean something to him? I guess it doesn't mean much to me now either. Not after my life was almost thrown away a week ago, but I guess he forgot that too. He also must have forgotten everything I had given up for him, maybe he will remember, but I guess that is more wishful thinking. In the end, this is what I get for being an optimist. This is what I get for trying to see the good in people ALL THE TIME. This is what I get when I put all of my heart into someone in the hopes that they will take care of it. This is what I get when I want the old him back, I guess. It's all "guess" work in the end. I can't give up any more of myself, and even though I may seem like I'm back on my feet again after one wretched night over a lost best friend, I cant say that inside I'm not all torn up. Right now I could care less about a relationship that could have been, but I'm more concerned with the friendship that doesn't exist anymore. Losing a friend to me, is like losing a limb, and detrimental limb. He was like my right hand for the longest time.
In the end, I wish to break the cycle with him. I will not let him close to me ever again. He will never regain his title of best friend. Maybe, just maybe, if he earns it, he might get title of friend again, but it will take a whole lot more than cheesy jokes, silly faces, and phone calls to win me back over. I've had it with the way he thinks he treats people. It's going to take a lot more than saying "I'm deeply sorry Meg," to receive total forgiveness from me, and I plan on telling him if he plans to do so. He needs to understand that he can't just walk all over me, and I'm going to tell him that "no, I can't forgive you," because I know that I wont be able to for such a long time. I know this isn't the way to live, and I know that I never live by such a harsh way of doing things, but I can't just let this get to me again. I can't just let him back into my life and let him think that everything is fine. I have done that too many times for him because I was blinded. Things are different now, and he needs to see that I just as different now, like he is compared to when we first started dating. Things are so different now, and I can't ignore it any longer. I do wish things were different, but I cant always have what I want, and that just leads to more wishful thinking.
I will continue to live with a partially broken heart until he tries to mend things, or until time will help heal me, but who knows how long that will take. I need distractions, I need things to do, I need to meet some new friends, I need to get away, I need to forget, I need to throw away, I need a break. I need time to myself. I need you guys though; my friends. You guys have been amazing in all of this. I'm not too sure how much of that was actual support haha, but I do know that you guys support any decision I make. So help some more in getting over this douche bag?

I'm the tree, you are the leaves that are falling away.

Its really hard to get a word in edgewise with you these days. You have shown me how much control you seem to place in a conversation, and you have proven to me that you would like to see things different. Yet, I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to you. I have felt the awkwardness of your words towards me; it doesn't sound like you anymore. You keep me hanging on tenterhooks for the chance to speak to you about all of this. I guess it is my fault that I did give you the say when we would be able to have the freedom to speak of this. I have asked quite a few people on this subject over the past couple days (seeing as this is about to reach a period of over a week), and they say that its time to consider looking elsewhere. I would be foolish to say that I am content at where I am right now, but then I need to consider the situation I am placed in now. Time and time again you have shoved me to the side, claiming that the you will only hurt me and that you have proven this many times. Can't you just stop looking at the past for just one second? Really, this is starting to annoy. Its hard to have a decent conversation about all of this if you continue to toss bad times describe in great detail every time we look at where this is going for us. Its simply agonizing, really. You say you are only thinking of me, but really it all comes back to you. I'm a big girl, no need worrying about my feelings. Especially this far into the game. I just need to know what you feel in you heart, because I know you can't tell whats in mine. Don't make judgments on what you think is best for, only I can do that. I can't force you to do anything either, as well you can't do that for me. We are independent parts, whether we decide that its best to put those parts together, depends on what we decide together; meaning we need to talk.

Well aside from yesterday's little rant...

Here is some other news I would like to share.
First of all, my philosophy is rocketing through the roof! I got a 95 on a quiz (one wrong suckas), and then I got an 88 on my exam, which is pretty damn good compared to most. Then my teacher reminded us that he drops our two lowest quiz grades! I need to do well on the rest of them so that he only has to drop the 50 and 65, which were shameful Socrates quizzes (I hate that damn guy haha). I'm doing my best to work well in that class. There is a nice girl who sits next to me, and she is an AMAZING artist, that's probably why I didn't do well in the class at first because I would just sit and stare at the beautiful things she was drawing on her papers, but now I'm used to it.
On the flip side, CHEMISTRY IS KICKING MY ASS. It really shouldn't be hard for me because I learned it all about three years ago, but I guess that means I have forgotten most of it. I have received 65's and lower on my 3 quizzes, except for one which I got a 95 on (she took one point off because she couldn't tell my "n" was and "m" or something ridiculous like that). Then I just got a huge test back, and guess what I got? A freakin 65!! I'm so mad. I need to do A LOT better. I think I'm doing alright on the homework, but that is because I can check in the back of the book and they have EVERY answer. My testing skills are shameful.
Then there is English. Lord knows what I have in English because that teacher is fucking retarded. Nicole will be here in a little bit to work on our portfolio. We were stupid enough to have our "conference" with our teacher on Monday, and she just assigned this Wednesday. Nicole is worse off because she has it at 10am and I don't have to go until 1pm. The up side to all of this: NO CLASS FOR 3 DAYS. Thank the good Lord.
Now to Psych. Thank goodness that teacher was blessed with her head on straight. She has no midterm, no cumulative exam, and no homework. Some people think this is a bad thing, but I've already taken Psych and I'm doing better and better on my tests. She also drops the lowest test grade (She likes to call them mini exams), so that D I got about a month ago will be tossed out the door.
Now speaking of Halloween. There seems to be a lot of debate with this, for me. I kind of want to stay here, but Rosie is now searching for a costume for me (she wants to be twin fairies, with the extent of not being slutty haha). Not to mention, Angel and Katie keep bugging me about it, mostly Rosie though. So I might go down Thursday night and stay there all weekend, or stay here with Bri and see scary movies. I have no idea yet.

I can't decide how mad I actually am.

It's in my nature to care for people, yes? I think most of you know this. If Cam and Laura aren't prime examples of this, then I don't know what. I find it very hard to just stand in the background and let myself NOT be heard. I wait and wait with anticipation to hear a simple hello from some people at times. I wander aimlessly in the hopes that someone will consider me good company when something is wrong. Right now, I am feeling this way. I told them I would back off in the hopes that I could de-stress their life a bit, only to make mine more stressful. It's literally killing me on the inside not being able to say A WORD to them, to even say "I'm here for you." I'm keeping my promise though, and waiting until they come to me. Although knowing me, I might just say "screw that," and be on my merry way to annoyingly pity them. That's really the last thing they need in a time like this. But what about me? There are a lot of things I would like to hear right now, and I think will probably never get said. This is frustrating on many levels to me.
Then there are the people who I go to with EVERYTHING, and they won't let me help them in the slightest! That is oh so annoying, and all I would like to hear come from their lips is "can you help me with something?" AHHH! I can't believe how frustrating all this is to me. I don't understand why its bugging me so much. The whole ride home from my volleyball game, I was fuming. I first vented to Laura, and then I tried to find an angry song to let myself just get more heated in the angry steam I had created for myself. Even thinking about it all now, I just get mad. How can people not want to come to me with their problems? Haha alright alright. I know sometimes I can't be too sympathetic, but I do know that I strive to help people. It's in my nature really.
I need to stop talking about this, because I'm ready to implode.

I am so naive.

I'm Lame.

It was brought to my attention today, while speaking my updated life story to my friend, that I should probably think about becoming impatient. I took a good long thought about it, and am still thinking about it, and I think that it's okay, for now, to just wait a while. We have a lot going on, and the little mishap we had a few days ago proves that there needs to be some more thinking going on. And to think, just a week ago, I would have been upset with myself to even consider such a silly thing.
It seems as if we need to understand better. If anything, that thing a few days ago brought us closer, but now we have paused at that point again. Oh well. Time will take its course I guess. Hmm, I need to talk this over out loud some more. That seems to help. Too bad it would sound like babbling to everyone, but for a fair few. Sheesh.

Still waiting, but...

No more fear ridden guilt.
No more hidden lies and worried faces.
No more sleepless nights.
No more planning for the worst.
No more worrying about sacrifices.
No more shame.
No more stress.

Just you and me, and that's all.

I have never been more afraid in my life.
Dear God, please help me.

Uncertainty

I hate people who are unsure. Yes, I know I can be one of those people, sometimes, but usually I'm one of the types that if they find something they want, or are passionate about, they stick with it until the end. It's just who I am. I'm not keen on the sudden changes of heart, and mind. I'm not a fan of the change of pace, or the change of scenery. I like my things to stay the way they are. I work too hard for those things to just suddenly change, and even for some of those things to disappear. I know people thrive on the changes around them. Each change to them is a chance at a new beginning. I really only like those when they are desperately needed. I guess I'm not as desperate as some. I am saddened by those who wish to change everything about them, keeping changing, or keep others changing. Why can't some people be happy with the way things are right now. I know things happen, and I understand that situations come up that throw choices and ultimatums at people, and those which are unavoidable. I just wish they could make their choice, and move on. Don't linger, and don't backtrack. Don't regret.

I'm Just Whining.

This is the most boring Friday of my young existence.
I was basically ditched, for not very good reasons.
I did homework at Border's. How lame.
Bri and I just sat in my room on the computer for an hour. That was fun.
Now I'm doing nothing, but making plans for next weekend.



Don't even get me started on tomorrow.

I am trying to find the RIGHT words to say.

Why does wanting to be with someone have to be so complicated? It should be easy, just as easy as it is to love them. Why is there things still holding us back? This is so frustrating.

Things with Cameron and I are getting closer and closer. Although, nothing is final yet, and I'm not too sure what to think about that at the moment. I feel so good when I'm with him, then everything feels normal when we are away. We talk everyday though, and sometimes we bring up "us", but usually I'm too afraid to bring that subject up. We both still want some freedom, yet, will do anything to keep the other from getting too involved with someone. We draw each other in all the time, just to keep each other close and know that we belong to the other and no one else. I wouldn't say things are complicated, but I wouldn't say things are easy either. I feel jealous and confused about all of this, but I'm not sure where to go with this now. We told each other last night how we really feel, and then that was that. We didn't make plans to go any further, and we didn't make plans on the future. We were just content that we both know how much we love each other. This still however doesn't make me rest easy as Cameron and I are both figuring out what we still want. I know, for the most part, that I would like to be with him again, but Cameron, being shut up inside himself most of the time, hasn't really given me an idea on how he feels about this. I just really wish this whole process was easier, and we would both be given some sort of sign as to what we are supposed to do next.

Oh, I got Brad in trouble.....

Why is everyone so fucking far away? Sheesh. I'm going to have the hugest bonfire Thanksgiving weekend. Save the date.

A few things about today.

Things are so much easier for us now. I still would like to talk a bit more about what I'm thinking about for all of this.
When I was informed of the date of my "party," I began to mentally prepare myself. I'm so nervous about it and I have no idea why! Okay, yes I do haha. I'm in good hands though, so I think it's okay.
Jana, your video made me cry at the end and I have no idea why haha. Ich vermisse dich!
I did so much homework today, that I think I'm done for the rest of the week. Lies....Although, I'm about ready to shoot my Chem teacher.
Kristin's dress that I tried on today, costing over $800 was the most awesome thing ever. It was Ralph Lauren cashmere. A doctor bought it for her, and a polo, and said this: "Someone did this for me when I graduated college, and now I'm going to do it for you, just pay it forward whenever you can to someone else." Holy shit.
Was it freezing all day, or was that just me?

Oh, Cameron.

It feels so much better between us when we aren't committed to the future. We have this freedom, and I think that makes us breathe easier. Will this lead to something? I have a feeling it will lead into something we had planned to not happen, making it an unplanned happening that will make us feel great. Or am I just assuming the inevitable happening in a better way that I had already imagined? I just know that something will happen, and I know you will try as hard as you might to prevent it, but I know it wont be enough. Deep down, I truly hope that you fail.

Why the fuck am I crying about this?

I already woke up crying to a nightmare about regretting this. Maybe you are right Bri; no fear.

I'm such a jealous person. You are far away. We are both busy. We are both stubborn. I'm clingy. You're distant. I'm confused. I'm wondering on how you plan to change things. You don't respond. I am annoying. You are frustrating. I'm impatient. I'm selfish, and so are you. We lack sympathy. You lack communication. You have so many new friends now, and I do not. I long to understand what we both know not. What is wrong with us? Why do we dare to do this to ourselves? It's as if we WANT to end up like this all over again. Why do I allow this to happen? Why do you? What the fuck?

This doesn't have to do with Brad. I'm sure you can guess who...

Apology by Safetysuit

Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you
Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you

Its all my fault today, I’m sorry for the way I was to you
Its all so wrong you see and I’m sorry for the words I say to you
But if you ask me I will go, anything for you
But if you ask me I will go, cause baby I need you

Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you
Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me

Am I on my own today, all alone with nothing left to say
Can it all go back the way, it used to be when you were here with me
But if you ask me I will go, anything for you
But if you ask me I will go, cause baby I need you

Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you
Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me
Whoa Oh (3x) I want you to notice me cause I’m already lonely and I don’t know what to do

You say I cant be honest with you
You say I cant be honest, well what now

Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna be with you
Whoa Oh (4x) I wanna see what you see, see what you see in me
Whoa Oh (3x) I want you to notice me cause I’m already lonely and I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do baby, I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to do baby, I don’t know what to do

Just A Little Complaining

I have some homework to do, but there are so many other things clouding my mind right now.
SVSU vs. NMU.
Things with Cam.
Things with Brad.
My major.
Getting a job.
Things with this past weekend.
Things with this coming weekend.
My three volleyball games this week.

If any other guy that I have had feelings for in the past couple years would like to come back and haunt me, please do so now.

Oh, tonight will be interesting. Right about now I have this weird feeling in my stomach, because I'm nervous. I shouldn't be nervous should I? There is nothing to worry about is there? I guess if I'm nervous right now, then there is a good reason to feel nervous. Oh shit.

Why Me?

Dear God,
Why hast thou blessed me with the crappy guys. I'm confused. Please send me a prince.
Amen.

Songs Currently Put On Repeat

Geraldine by Glasvegas

Always Where I Need to be by The Kooks

C'mon (On My Own) by Chester French

Paparazzi by Lady Gaga

She Loves Everybody by Chester French

Picture by Mute Math

Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event

Losin' It by Fallbrooke

Take Me Home by After Midnight Project

We Were Merely Freshmen by Third Eye Blind

Love Hurts by Incubus

1901 by Phoenix

She's a Genius by Jet

Uprising by Muse

Electrify by Mute Math

OK by Mute Math

Starstruck by Lady Gaga

Oh sheesh.

Let me tell you how my day went.
I always have to leave the house and hour early before my class starts, that sort of went smoothly. Until I got there and I had to park by the Planetarium. Not happy about that. Then I proceeded to have a riveting Philosophy class. Seriously, this class is amazing, and all I learned about today, was how to argue logically. It was fantastic. During this time, I received a couple text messages. I dont really read them in class because I dont want to miss anything (especially in philo). I checked my phone when class was over. One text from Kristin about job applications, the other from my dad making a witty joke about the Planetarium, and the other from Cameron. I was like huh? It was a long text explaining to me how he still never feels fully forgiven by me. I'm not sure where he got that idea from, because I have forgiven him. Its what I do, forgive and forget; holding grudges is not my forte, and I would rather have a friend that messes up really bad, then for them to mess up once and I never talk to them ever again. I like my friends, what can I say. So i proceeded to explain this to him, and make sure everything was alright, and whatnot. I caught up with Chris and Clinton and we had lunch together in one of the various food areas. Cynthia saw us after Clinton left and joined us. Overall, a non-lonely lunch which is what I was aiming for. Still no new friends though. Just a couple of nice girls in a couple of my classes, besides Nicole of course. After lunch, I proceeded to DIE in my chemistry class. WHY THE HECK DID I TAKE IT? Ahhh! If I have to re-learn SigFigs one more time, I'm gonna shoot myself. Sheesh. The teacher has a froggy voice that is hard to pay attention to, I'm surrounded by idiots, and there are NO LABS. FML! I'm pretty sure thats the reason most people take that class. So basically I'm taking all the math parts of chemistry. GAH!
After classes were over, I headed over to get Laura, then coached until five. I decided to be mean today, because we have only two days before our first game against one of the hardest teams in our league. The A team coach then started practice 30 minutes after ours started and stole the whole court. My girls played on the court for about 10 minutes because they scheduled them to practice at 3:30, but that is the exact time they get out of school, so that was such a waste of my time. We proceeded to do control drills for the rest of the time, me getting more frustrated by the minute. Eventually I made them pass to the wall so that they could A. get more control on their passes, B. the balls would rocket onto A teams practice muahaha. I finally made it through practice, treating the girls to the candy they won last week, and getting to drive home exhausted. Then I had to come home to my mom getting up my butt about crap, so that was awesome. Now it has finally calmed down and I think I shall treat myself to Moulin Rouge. Sound good?

College

So today was, overall, a pretty good first day of the real world. Philosophy seems to be the winner of the day for, well about everything you can grade a class on- teacher, subject, homework assignments, and getting out early haha. My chemistry class on the other hand. Don't get me started- boring, crazy, red-headed, old teacher, ridiculous things I don't remember from my sophomore year, a stupid douche bag that thought he was the shit, and now experiments. How dry... A nice girl sat next to me, so that's pretty cool. I then spent the rest of my time wandering around the school Bri, buying her books, walking her to class, and whatnot.
Tomorrow will consist of English, Psychology, and investigating the library. Laura wants me to pick her up tomorrow, so I have two hours to kill. I will take some homework along that is due Thursday, and find a nice spot in the library. If tomorrow will be a lot sunnier and less humidly mucky, then I will find a good place outside to sit. Sounds like a good plan?

So long!

To what area of my life are you referring to?

Text Messages

Hmmm.

Should we have said that?

What am I supposed to be feeling now?

Should I feel like this?

What do you think?

This is weird.

Today

Well that was fun.

This Wont Make Sense To You

Uhh hmmm. I dont know what to say. My mind is a jumble about all of this. I cant think about how it will go, and what she thinks of it. Grr. This is a weird, frustrating feeling, but I kind of like it for once. I dont get your reasons for the invitation, yet I understand that you have some lose ends you want to tie. I think thats why you said that. You have me feeling confused and have me pondering things, new things, so thats an interesting change. Did you think about what I said to you? I think you did, or at least it seems like you did. This is all so confusing, especially since you are so busy and have no time to talk at all.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Losin It by Fallbrooke

I like this song for three reasons, and those reasons have me listening to it non-stop.

1. The lyrics crack me up.

2. The lyrics are super cliché and that’s why I like it.

3. The music video is pretty fun too.

We've been talking from different states

I've never laid my eyes on a girl this way
All this time I had looked away
Over and over I kept playin it safe
Now this time I won't run away
We've never met but I wanna say

I know we've never met except on the internet
I've got the camera by the bed so is your's up yet?
Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we've never met I think I'm losin it.

The Glossy Screen is taunting me
I look at you and it's where I wanna be
All this time I had looked away
Over and over I kept playin it safe
I'll just cope and find a way
As long as I know you'll always wait

I know we've never met except on the internet
I've got the camera by the bed so is your's up yet?
Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we've never met I think I'm losin it.

Oh I never planned to fall this way
I've never laid my eyes on a girl this way.

I know we've never met except on the internet
I've got the camera by the bed so is your's up yet?
Oh I know this is a fast and crazy connection
But you keep monopolizing all my attention
Even though we've never met I think I'm losin it.