Prayer.

It's all I've got.

Patience.

It's wearing thin.

Thoughtful.

I'm about to lash out.

I really hate how people think they can just shove themselves into my personal life, even when they don't have a damn clue what is going on. Smart move my friend.

Wow.

I have lots to say, and then again, I really don't have anything to say at all.
A lot has happened this past week. Literally. I started my new job, I hung with Josh everyday but Tuesday, I had two days loaded with class, and I had church functions. Currently, I feel like I am just going through the motions for the most part. I mean, school isn't exactly on the top of my list right now, although it should be if I hope to get out of this hell hole.
Well, actually I'm kind of glad that I stayed here. I mean, I did get the opportunity to figure out what I want to do, I got closer to my church, I managed to get a decent job, I was able to build some closure with Cam, and yeah I know its cheesy, I got to meet Josh.
Things with Josh seem to be going pretty dang good. I mean, there are still some things that we need to figure out, but it has gotten kind of hard to actually get the time, and privacy to talk about these things.
My mom has turned into a Nazi. No lie. She doesn't give me an inch of space to breathe. I still manage to have a fucking curfew, at eighteen nonetheless. I guess I can't complain too much, I have a roof over my head, and I get to hang out with whoever I want, as long as they are out of the house by midnight on week nights, and 12:30 on weekends. What the fuck am I saying? I am choking here. I really am. I need to get away. I mean, Josh just came over not too long ago, without my mom knowing of course, just so we could finish talking about what we were talking about last night before I had to be home. That is how desperate we are getting. I mean yeah, there is this great thing called the telephone, but I feel a whole lot better talking about things with people in person.
Anyways... I'm working on getting enough money saved up so that I might be able to have my own apartment for next year. I mean, look, we all know that there is no way I am getting out of here before my junior year. Yeah, maybe I should have tried harder, but I really had to get things sorted out on the home front first. Look at some of the good that has come out of it. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was at Northern, State, or SVSU. There would just be no way.

Haha.

Restless.

I can't keep it in. I run around my room to try and find something to do. About the only successful thing was introducing my head to the glass top of my desk (not in a bang-my-head-over-and-over sort of way). I move about the room, trying to find something to do. I can't write anymore, I can't find anything that interests me, I can't do anything, and yet I NEED to. I need to get away and get my head on straight. I need to find out what this really means. I'm not so sure why I find this such a hard decision. Why can't I just let go? Or why can't I just accept it? I don't want to give up my last chance at something I have been chasing for so long. It feels as if I am in a nightmare. I finally get something that I want, and yet, something is holding me back. I am ready to start all over, but I have the fear. The common fear of those who have seen this all before. Yet, I can tell that there is something different, something I have never seen before, and I think that is what is scaring me. I think that finally I get this chance to have what I have wanted for the past three years, and now that I have it, I am afraid that it will disappear, or that it will end so horribly that I will never be able to get back the pieces that I had of me before. I am afraid to let myself go this one last time, just because I want to hold onto the last piece of sanity I have left. It's me now that is afraid of the commitment that is at hand. I am afraid that I won't be what he wants anymore, and I am afraid that he won't be what I want anymore. Do you realize how long I have dreamed of this happening? What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I am relying on the past. This past which has determined most of my life the past three years. This past that has turned me away from most, and keep me looking at just one. This past which I haven't learned anything from, but have learned everything that I have ever wanted to know. This past that tortures me until I realize what I want. This past that shows me what to do, and yet tells me nothing. It's confusing, these emotions I feel right now. I can't tell whether I am up or down. I feel like I am back at square one, but not in my little piece of heaven like I was three years ago. I need to know if I am making a bad decision, or a good one. I mean, does it really matter? I am young, right? Shouldn't I be willing to make a fool of myself for those I care about? Shouldn't I know that time will only tell what is to be? Shouldn't I understand what doesn't happen now will never happen again, or it could by chance? Things are determined now, and I think that is another thing that scares me. I think that I finally realize that this might actually be "crunch-time." That this might actually be where I start to find myself- to find myself as I am with someone else. I may only be eighteen, but I feel as if I need to start making life decisions now, besides on my education. These decisions decide who the fuck I will turn out to be, because I sure as hell don't understand right now. I feel like I need to give this a chance, just a chance, and see how it goes. I feel like I can't let this go untouched, I feel as if this might be a very important chance. I also feel like, if I don't take this chance, I will lose him forever, and I just can't let that happen. I am so conflicted, I just don't know what to do. He is giving me more time to decide this time around, but I feel weird, because this kind of thing is usually never up to me. My decision-making side of me feels embarrassed and mediocre to this problem at hand, and I really need to get some stuff sorted out. I guess just one girls' night wasn't enough; I will take tomorrow too. I know, not matter what, I will receive much grief from this, from either decision, but I know even more so if I am to say "yes." But who is to care? I feel as if I need to make these decisions, although whichever one I pick, both will probably feel wrong at first, but I think that is something that I can get over, right? I will know when it isn't something that needs to be, right? Why can't what I am feeling be said so much easier? Why can't I just drive over to his house right now and tell him what's what? Why can't I just call him and tell him to fuck off? Why can't I make him disappear? I want this to work, but it scares me. I fear that this will all come back to bite me in the ass. I just need some time.

In the words of Chris-

Ah, fuck it.

Feelings.

Things feel a little weird with all of this. People keep telling me about all of these possibilities of what is going on in his mind, but I just don't know. I think people are thinking that I want something serious right now, and I kind of don't. I have nothing wrong with just hanging out with a guy who happens to be a little too cuddly- we are both lonely people, whatever. Yeah, I think this kind of sounds slutty, but oh well. I kind of think that I just need to let things be. I am going to ask him, however, that I think that he could be using me as a filler, but then again, aren't I kind of using him as a filler as well? It's all confusing, and I do think he is a cool guy, but of course, there will always be setbacks- that's expected. I will just continue rolling with the punches.
There was another pointless, love-life blog for all of you.

But.

I gave him doubts. That took me TOTALLY off guard. Things just took a nasty turn I hadn't expected, but was hoping to expect, but didn't foresee them happening, but feels some sort of relief in them, but doesn't want to hurt him, but didn't want to force myself, but I felt he deserved this chance more than any other one, but then I turned it into shit, but I know I will regret this, but I can't live this way, but did feel something the other night, but it wasn't enough to make him see, but it was enough to give him doubts.
But...
I'm sorry.

I'm walking on sunshine, but there are still a few clouds in the way.