Oh Heart, why hath thou forsaken me?

(Slightly blasephemous title. oh well.)

I seem to be doing a lot of stupid things lately.

Heart, why wont you speak louder and more clearly?!

At least I dont feel that bad about it...

But come on, its driving me insane!

GAH!

So my day was really frustrating, and its just now unwinding. Today is the kind of day that I wish summer was shorter. Gasp! I know...

• Mott was alright, but then the money part was kicking my butt.
• How do I not have financial aid?! So FAFSA can just suck it haha.
• Cam and I are alright now I guess. Friends. That's it. That's okay. I can live with that.
• My foreign friends are coming to me for answers. Uhh...
• I just realized Jana is leaving in a month. I'm going to go cry now.
• Soccer scrapbook was a waste of my time. Thanks coach. Sheesh.
• I need new friends ASAP, because some of mine seem to be pissing me off lately.
• My phone is like exploding. I'm getting sick of it turning off and not sending texts. Bleh.
• I think I should have moved away.
• I cant wait until July, because all this open house nonsense will be over. I'm already sick of it.

The Transition

I'm not exactly sure why I'm blogging. There really isn't much to say. Its summer, I'm sick, he wont talk to me anymore, and today I have a districts game.

Thank goodness for the summer. It has allowed me to relax and calm down from all the craziness of school. Although it really isn't summer for me because of all the ridiculous open house things that I have to do. My mom freaked out last night because apparently I wasn't being helpful, even though I have been doing everything she asked of me. She called me ungrateful because I don't give anything in return for all the things they do. Then she proceeded to take my phone and laptop (but I have them back now). See, what I don't get is why do I owe her so much of my time for spending the night at a friends house for one night, when Rose is allowed to spend eight hours a day with Josh, everyday? Seems a little stupid to me, but whatever, I guess I don't get a say in my family anymore. Also, being sick doesn't really help matters, but then I'm just a crappy mood all the time. Bleh.

To make my summer just a little more miserable, Cam wont say one word to me. After the bonfire, things got blown out of proportion and he said that I was too high maintenance for him and that I don't make him happy. Well first of all, I wasn't trying to get back with him at that point. I knew he just broke up with CV and I didn't want things to get weird between Cam and I. Second thing is that I had every right to be a little upset at him for leaving my party early to go drink with a crap load of other losers. Apparently he sees that as a good reason to end a friendship. Whatever. If he doesn't want to respect me, or even work for our friendship to work, then he isn't worth my patience or kindness. I guess I have to thank him for one thing; for helping me move on. His stubbornness and selfishness reminds me that I don't want to go back to that. I just need to meet some new people to really get me over him.

Kill by Jimmy Eat World

Well you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to youI pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Incoherent

Well isn't that a great way to start my summer? being told that I don't make someone happy and that they don't want to see if I change or not. It makes me feel all warm inside...

WTF?!

And just when things were looking SO good for once. I felt happy and like my old self again, and now I feel I'm sloping towards that point again. I'm already sad because its the end of my high school career, and everything starts all over again.

I'm losing people without even a fight; they are the ones not fighting.

I guess I'm not making myself clear to them.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND THAT'S WHAT THEY MAKE ME FEEL- HAPPY.

It isn't a commitment, it isn't a life-sentence, it isn't totally time consuming. It just takes some talking, texting here and there, the occasional visits, and laughter. Is that too much to ask? Do I really need a second chance to earn my own happiness?

There is the fight I predicted. Right at the start of my summer. Awesome.

The Fight

I'm on the edge of my seat just waiting for it to happen: the big argument. The ferocious fight ready to tear what we have patched up into tiny little pieces. Its almost expected that it should be happening any time soon. I'm almost worried that it hasn't yet. We had a little tiff today, but that was almost nothing. Just telling me to stop complaining, and both of us getting annoyed of each other. I really don't want it to happen, because everything is going pretty good right now; except for the jealousy part. A fight would simply tear us apart, and I think that would leave us a shaky friendship for the summer before we leave. I really don't want that to happen. Its almost inevitable that there will be one. I'm really worried as to why it hasn't happened yet. What is going on?

This Needs To Be Said

LET ME MAKE MY OWN STUPID CHOICES

If I want to wear my heart on my sleeve with his name on for however long I want, then damn it, let me do it! I'm so freaking not over him that its getting ridiculous. What he says to me just draws me on more. He wants us to stay really close friends, and I'm not going to say no! I want him right there with me. He is like my best friend. I think he is the only person who TRULY knows all about me. I tell him EVERYTHING. Right now college seems pointless. I don't want to meet someone else, I want to be with him. Damn! Why?! Why do I do this to myself? I have no fucking idea, but being naive and blind to everything else just FEELS good right now. I want to finish out my high school year with no regrets, and this is one of them: Give him your heart. I know he already had it. I can still feel what he has done to it. Those scars burn every now and then, but the pieces he has touched have been some of the best moments of my young teenage life. I emphasize "teenage," because these decisions are completely irrational and probably hormonal for all I know. He means the world to me, and I doubt he even knows how much. Yes he knows that I still feel strongly for him, but this renewed feeling has made me see what he is to me. I don't know what I would do without him, and it makes me feel so good to know that he needs me in his life too. So what the fuck is he doing with her? Who knows?! I do, and only I will know. Its not my say to tell him what to do about anything involved with her. Its not my place to degrade her in front of him. I do it anyways. I have turned into a bitch towards her. I have intimidated her. I have made her worry. She has reason to. Me, and only me really knows what he feels for the both of us; this disastrous triangle of teenage emotions. I don't know if I will ever get the chance the meet this mysterious "Mr. Right" that my friends speak of, but I know that I don't want to if its not him. I need him right now. That's what I'm going to live with. If he and his current girlfriend meet a sad ending (oh no...) then I will gladly be there for him until we part for college, and longer. For right now, my mind thinks of him, and my heart yearns for him. They think mixed up things. My heart also throws up red flags when we flirt; getting close and sharing laughs and secrets. These secrets and laughs make me feel butterflies. Good and Bad. I'll take them, because I'm glad to know that I still feel something for him. Do I still love him? I don't know. You tell me.

A Few Questions From The Drama Queen

What the heck is going on?
Why was I such a bitch to my mom today for no reason?
Was it really that big of a deal to scream about it?
What the hell do you want? Figure it out okay?
Why do you do this to me?
I think you are really trying to kill me, aren't you?
How much longer?
How many days now?
Why cant you understand?
Why do you care?
What did I do?
Will you please just tell me how you feel?
When will you realize how much this is making life suck for all of us?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why am I so stressed out?
Is it really necessary to go on like this?
Do you like this?
Do you feel miserable too?
Do you feel confused too?
Do you think this is just as fucked up as I do?

I'll Be The Greatest Fan Of Your Life

I feel like I haven't written, or blogged in ages. So much has happened in the fast few days, that I feel like I'm going through life in a blur. Prom was fantastic. I had a very controversial dance with Cam, but I'm over it and it was totally worth it. You guys probably don't understand, but he has owed me that dance since the fall, so please just let me live with the joy of it in peace. Thank you.

He and I are just living as friends currently; this was his decision, and he seemed unsure about it. So I guess I have to wait and see how that goes as well. I'm trying my hardest to get over him, but something keeps pulling me back to him. Maybe its the fact that he tells me that he enjoys having me as a really close friend. Maybe it was the other things that he said to me in confidence (that I will not share with you now). He seems to have a spell over me that has him in total control of my heart and my well being. I have told him on several occasions that I think he is trying to kill me, but he just just keeps telling me that he would feel at a loss without me to go to about some things. Sometimes I feel that I talk to him more than he talks to his girlfriend, but oh well. That's life I guess. We are naive adolescents who don't know what they want. We need certain people in our lives, even if they cause problems. Maybe that's what makes life so charming; these complicated relationships that make us fight for what we want. I know that's truly willing to fight for: someone I care so much about that I cant imagine life without them, no matter how hard it is to live with them. I really thank God that he has given me these people to fight for. That's what Cam seems like to me; someone worth fighting for, because I know life would not be the same without him, even if its hard to love with him.