April Showers

I wish I smelled like rain. The pure smell of everything new is just a joyful scent. It may be dark and gloomy, but it makes me so happy. I stood at my window for nearly ten minutes taking gulps of fresh air, and experiencing the dewy, mucky smell with every ounce of my lungs. I gazed longingly at the puddles forming lochs in my backyard, and daydreamed of jumping and splashing in them. I watched the cars drive by and splash the grimy water at the shoulder of the road as they sped by. I saw a rabbit having its meal amongst the damp dandelions. I sucked in more air.

Mark was right...

...this feeling will take at least two months to go away.

I still get that burning feeling in my stomach, those bad butterflies, whenever I see them. Luckily, I never see them together, but I still cant stop thinking about all what its like for them. It was exceptionally weird today, because we all had games at Powers, she had softball, he had baseball, and I had soccer. I kept wondering if he could see me or not, and then I thought that he would prefer the softball field more than the soccer field anyways. Every time I looked at the baseball field, I internally swore to myself, and just had to try and shake any thought out of my head.

So today I wasn't sure what to make of this situation. Usually he and I are determined to avoid each other at all costs, well at least I am; I avoid glances, talking, recognition, walking near him, the whole shebang. So in my usual hurry to be away from him after second hour, a class I share with him, I swiftly made my exit with Angie to go to our next hour we had together. The weird thing, was that Cam followed. I was like uhhh? he usually goes the other way now, because I think he tries to avoid me too. I tried to ignore it, and continued to talk to Angie. She began to comment on how my hair tie is green, and does not match my outfit in any way. I tried to explain to her that I ran out of normal colors, and I didn't want to use the yellowy ones. She still was saying that I horribly clashed and tried to make fun of me, and I laughed along with her. I stole a glance back at Cam, and he was smiling too. Was he part of our conversation now? I tried not to feel incredibly awkward, or I made it out to be that I wasn't, because Angie seemed fine with it. Then we got on the argument at how I don't really like blue compared to green, and that I would rather wear a green hair tie, rather than blue because green is my favorite color. Then we got to the corner where Angie and I usually turn to go upstairs, and Cam would go the other way. The he said, " I personally think a blue would look better."

??????????????

What the hell does that mean? I couldn't tell if he was joking or not! He said it with a smile, and Angie laughed and said, "Thank you!" I was literally dumbfounded. I'm still debating with what was going on. Was he being a smart ass jerk, or was he trying to talk to me and what not. Gahhhhhhhhhh. Jana says thinks that he wants to talk to me again, but I really don't think he has any need to. This is what he has been wanting; to not be friends anymore, or just acquaintances. He has told me this countless times. So what the hell is going on?!

I'm Trying Okay?

I'm sick of it. I know I should be over this. I'm tired of hearing, "you just need to do this," "you just gotta do this," "hold your head up," etc. Well Fuck It. It's obviously easier said than done guys; I know you know it is. So yes, I am going to go to school tomorrow with my chin up, trying to look as happy as possible for a person in my situation, and then I am going to see them and it will all come crashing down. That mask will get torn to shreds with a single glare, and I will begin to crumble where I stand. Then I will want to go hide, and stop talking to whomever I am speaking to, and run away in fear. Then I will go home, and do the things I need to, then cry all over again. Then the same thing will happen the next day, and then the next day, and possibly the day after that too. I never know when the cycle will end, but it does eventually, because I notice that I have stopped crying before too long. Then I will become an angry person, distant, and submissive. I will try to prevent this as much as possible, but I have found that no matter how hard I try, I cant ignore the facts, or the way I feel. Yes, I do have feelings for him, as much as I hate him now. I just need to find something to clear my mind, and just try and let things go.

I managed to box up all his crap; everything but a white shirt, CDs, lotion, and spray, because I use those things all the time. The rest is in a box under my bed reading:

Cameron McDonald

4 Times

Fuck Him

Then today I was in such a...fit I guess you could say, that I managed to run to my room crying once I came home from Ashley's, and cut up a sweatshirt that he let me borrow.

I have no idea what has gotten into me.

How Does One Heal A Broken Heart?

I'm such a pathetic person. I broke a promise I swore I wouldn't; I cried today. Hard. I just couldn't help it. I kept telling myself everyday, "its okay" and "you can do it, there i no point in crying". Yet I still did. Everyday I felt myself getting closer and closer to that point. Then I saw the next day after we talked, that she had on his hoodie, and I had no idea what to think. That tore at me even more, and didn't help that I saw her everywhere all day long.

Then there was today. I saw her at the lunch table, and I saw her laughing with her friends, and I felt that hole tear through my again. I thought I was done with all of that, but then I just saw her and I just had to stop right there, and cower. I wanted to put my head down on the table, but could only muster taking a drink out of my water to keep my cool, and put my head on my bottle when I was done. Of course I suck at being inconspicuous, and it went noticed, and they clearly realized what must have been going through my head. Then there was after school. I was walking out of the cafeteria, because I needed to get my game food to eat, and he was there as soon as I opened the door out into the hallway/gym area. I quickly glanced at him, and then continued walking with my head down to the locker room, and he continued to walk behind me. I wanted to say "hey", I wanted to slow up my speed to walk with him and just talk to him, I wanted to give him the biggest smile ever, I wanted to turn around and smack him in the face, I wanted to scream at him for making me jealous, and I wanted to let him know how much of an asshole he is. I kept walking, head down, trying my hardest not to cry or give my thoughts away. Then I saw her, standing with her friend, and I knew that she saw him behind me. I'm also sure that the look on my face freaked her out, because I knew he was behind me. I just about lost my mind at this point, and I started to walk faster, trying to get away from the sound of his dragging feet from his walking. I glanced at her as I quickly passed her, and ran into the locker room. I didn't want to break down and cry yet, so as soon as I was in the locker room far enough, I took a deep breath and shook it off. Then when I had made my way back to the cafeteria, people were talking about prom, so people of course asked me what was going on. Some haven't been updated yet about what happened between me and him, so I had to go into the story, and of course further explain my jealousy and my frustration about her. Of course being oblivious about the signals my friend were giving me, I kept talking, saying I shouldn't be jealous but I am, and I hope that she saw him as a douche bag, and how I she is a boy. Then a bit later after I had got it all out, I looked over at the other table, and I saw her looking at me with a bewildered look. All I could say was "fuck." I wanted to say sorry to her, but my friend told me that she needed to hear those things, and then we laughed about it; I only laughed on the outside, and felt guilty on the inside.

Of course, then it was brought to my attention just minutes ago that he is going to prom with her, and that they are about to date. One of his good friends told me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like shit. I cant be happy at the moment, and one of my favorite movies is playing in the other room, and I am typing my fucking day up on here. I just want to go cry so more. He's going to have another girlfriend already? Is that even okay? Am I supposed to feel disappointed and shitty? Why does it have to be this way? God, I just want to say something to her, for warn her, and tell her that he is something special to me, but I know he cant be that to me anymore. I've lost the only person that knew everything about me. He definitely took something from me.

I used to have time set aside just for him, to text him, to call him, to hang out with him, and now I just feel so guilty when I am talking to other people and ignoring him, but I know I cant be this way. This damn hole is back, and this time it wont be filled, because someone else is taking my place. Someone more fun, and has prettier eyes, can make him laugh all the time, someone who he enjoys talking to, someone who can make him smile no matter what, someone he wont argue with him, someone who wont be clingy, someone who will give him just what he needs, someone that isn't me...

The Potentially Hopeless Me

Laugh less.

Dream more.

Talk less.

Think more.

Burned

Today, my scalding hot water served many purposes.

A. Warmed myself right up after my game.

B. I was pissed that we lost, and my water knew it.

C. I am slightly frustrated, and confused, about some things, so it allowed me to think.

D. It calmed me down from all these things in mere minutes.

Two Options

(haha lame I know, but its SO MUCH FUN, for no reason at all)

A. I use all of my $140 that I obtain from the twin study to pay for a brand new laptop, containing Vista and no problems in the future, more memory, bigger battery. My dad will pay the other half of the costs.
B. Or I use only $70 of that money to buy my dad's old work laptop, just like mine, that has a smaller screen than my current one, same battery size, and regular software, and may face the same problems that my current computer is facing.



I need a new laptop ASAP, mainly for college, but also to watch Skins (haha), and because mine just had a hard drive crash. YIPPEE! I don't want to pay to get it fixed again, because I am tired of waiting around for my computer and using my sisters or the family computer. I am currently on Rosie's and I cant do ANYTHING on it, because she thinks that I will make it explode. She' probably right...
Either way, I don't know what would be a smarter choice. No matter what, I have to wait 45 days to get my money from the twin study, because I have no other source of income, and I don't really want to give up my privileges of a nice, tiny allowance that allows me to hangout with my friends on the weekend (and when I say tiny, I mean 5 or 10 bucks a week).

Made About My Previous Blog.

Haha, lame I know, but it was fun, and I wasted about 20 minutes procrastinating on this website: wordle.net!

Surprisingly Unphased

I know I should be beyond pissed by how much I have run into this trap, but I have become so numb and used to it by now, I seem barely phased by it. Its sad actually, but I know that I will make matters worse like before if I continue being dramatic about it. I don't know why I kept fighting, only to know that he would continue with the same pattern; causing us to fall for each other all over again, getting pissed, and starting from scratch. I'm sick of his cold feet, and I'm slightly glad that he will retain himself in the future, even though its a sad thing to accept. I am more willing to move on now, and probably will become annoyingly flirtatious as I tend to do. I don't want to spiral into depression or whatever the hell that was just like a month ago. I don't want to waiver in front of him. I want to keep strong, but still remain friends. I just need to keep my head up.

I Think It's Trying to Tell Me Something

This is the second time I have had this dream, but this time it was a little different, but always having the same concept. I think it's trying to tell me that there are about to be some major changes that I cant really stop from happening. DUH! I'm going to college. Here's what happens:

My sisters and I are laying on a massive bed in my room, but my room doesn't look like my room. My dream room is robin's egg blue, with old-fashioned furniture, and a giant king-sized bed with a big white cover on it. There is are two dressers that looks like they are from the 1800s, a small white dresser that has only two drawers and is like a bed side table, a brown paper bag with something inside that I'm have no idea whats inside it, and there is my white radiator still there. We are laying the bed, dozing off, and periodically one of us would wake up and we would notice that things in my room are all changed around. Then we would fall back asleep, and one of us will wake up and scream because things are moved around again. I tried to stay awake and watch for the things to move, or to see who would move them, and I just kept falling asleep. This would happen all night long. When the morning came, I decided to get rid of everything that was inside those few things and to clean from under my bed, throwing out garbage bags of clothes and books. The next night, the same thing happened. Then I woke up.

Why couldn't my dream have told me something more useful than this weird cryptic dream?

This Isn't Exactly Deep, But Mine Hardly Ever Are

So this snow is totally kicking my butt. WTH. There is NOT supposed to be snow on the ground right now! There needs to be flowers, green grass, sunshine, and little kids splashing in puddles with cute little rain boots on! Not this nasty, mushy white crap during Spring Break! I am thoroughly appalled by this. Sheesh. Michigan, what the hell were you thinking?!

On a happier note, I am excited by my plans for the day. I get to sit around and do basically nothing; homework here and there, with a few jobs thrown in to keep me on my toes. Other than that, I have been sitting on my computer, listening to music, texting, IMing people, and just playing games and what not (I would otherwise be outside, but the frickin weather sucks!). I even got my room to its cleanest potential by finally putting away ALL of my laundry for the first time in ages, leaving only one load of whites, because its just a bunch of t-shirts (can't exactly wear those in the snow...). Later, I will go to Cam's house to watch the Opening Day game of the Tigers at 7, and then it will finish just in time for the MSU championship game at 9.

Sounds like an amazing day to me.

The Fire Within

The flame burns anew; both are so confused. No one remembers how to keep it going, or how to put it out. There is no one who can direct them, or to guide them in anyway because they are part of a new type of foundation. This foundation that can be faulty or can be strong. They aren't sure if its an unwanted hunger, or something that should be let loose into the wild as it burns everything in their paths. There is no confidence, or pride, or reassurance. There is no one they can confide with, or seek help from. They can receive thoughts and ideas, but those lowly opinions hardly matter at all to them. Some of their feelings are hid, others are cautiously spread verbally or physically, unsure if that is the right thing or not. There is a simple wish, and a simple hope to figure out what all this means for them. There is a need to know this flame, this spark of fiery emotion. The need to learn. The need for answers. The need to be sure of what's next.