I'm So Tired of Feeling This Way

I'm tired of feeling stressed, confused, frustrated, and tired. I feel like I'm part of an endless cycle of grief in different forms. I cant seem to keep up in my classes, my soccer skills are already slipping, and my sanity is going. I'm tired of this constant feeling of not knowing what I want because its making me freak out! I'm also very tired of people telling me that I've changed, and that they miss the old me, and I seem pissed off all the time. Well, I wonder why? Shit happens guys, and sometimes it just hits hard. Right now, I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it, and being a standoffish jerk, who is becoming more and more distant from people seems to make it easier for me.

I talked to him today, because I thought he was mad at. He wasn't, thankfully, but we did get to discuss how we are tired of the same old shit, and our lame emo lives that we lead. We feel like we are just going through the motions in a blur. I have told him how unsure I am about what I feel towards him. He of course has nothing to say in return, but I'm okay with that. I told him that I want him, but I don't know how much, and to what aspect. When things are going good, I want him more, when things suck, I'm just oblivious to how I feel towards him. I just am so confused about it. I am trying harder now to get over him, because I just know that the fighting between us will never get better; we have extreme highs and lows, and that is just too scary for me to deal with right now. Who knows what the summer will bring us?

I have been very excited and nervous about one thing in particular. Prom. I'm trying to get a date, a foreigner haha. It seems to be very hard to obtain them. Jana and I are panicking at the thought about the two boys we have asked to take with us; one was so unsure last time, and one we are hoping will sway the other. Another thing is, what if Cam expects me to go with him? What am I supposed to do then? I would hate to have to turn him down, but he isn't making any move. So I have no idea how that is going to go. We shall see.

I feel like I'm part of so much drama! Oh well, its high school, and drama makes in interesting.

Second Randomest Blog Ever.

I'm gonna go ahead and be random again.

I was really excited to hear that plans fell through for you yesterday, A. because I though that the plans were meant for today and I was dreading for it to happen, B. because I could stop internally worrying about the "my turn" crap. For now. Then you had the add a frowny face and I had to be stupid again, once again explaining my jealousy. You also had to reassure me and I had to act happy to have us both keep our sanity that we just got back. It's very tiring to be so unsure of something from both ends of the spectrum. I just don't get it...

I re-took the matchmaker ordeal on career cruising, and still got writer! I would love to be this in my future, but I know that there is nothing in it for me whatsoever. That's when I figured out that it was slightly my destiny to work as an extremely awesome secretary for Donald Trump, because I keep seeing myself in the pantsuit; that's all I'll ever be good at is secretarial work.

I somehow managed to get through have of my homework today. I magically received the motivation to stop sucking at life, and got some of it done.

Randomest Blog Ever.

Here are shorten highlights of my day (maybe not too short).

I totally felt butterflies today. First time in a long time. I'm also confused as to why you did it. Maybe just being supportive? I'm gonna go ahead and say that's the answer, because I don't see any other reason for you to be like that, other than...but all I want to say is thank you. It wasn't a big deal, and I'm sure it wasn't meant to be, but we all know how I like to sweat the small stuff. Then the sparks had to leave with that text. Bleh. I'm keeping my mouth shut, or at least I'm trying to. But seriously, when is it my turn?

I had an epiphany! What if Franz Ferdinand toured with Kaiser Chiefs? Beautiful irony...

I love Donnie Darko even after seeing it a million times.

Fuck math. I think I did bad on that test AGAIN. Why do I freaking suck at math? Its not that hard, but my stupid brain just cant comprehend that crap!! Blehhhh fml.

I'M SO GLAD ITS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE SPRING!

Stressed!

Heading for a breakdown. Literally. I have so much that I need to do, and there is simply no time.

He hates me now. He told me he wished we never met.

There is no way I'm going to get over that fact.

I failed yet another test in my math class.

This is the last time I can retake a test to help my grade.

After that I'm screwed.

I'm going to intentionally turn a twenty page paper in late to help me relieve some stress.

Not that that makes any sense.

I have my first game on Thursday, and we are going to get our ass whooped.

I'm too busy worried about showing off to my coach that I cant see other girls need more help.

I have to spend the night at a girls house to help her not be depressed about her dad dying a year ago.

He wont ever talk to me again.

(See? I cant get over it)

When will this all end?

My vocabulary is growing, and it's shocking people. I have no idea when this happened, but I find myself enjoying the use of big words. Today at soccer practice, I used the word tenacious. I have no idea where I even heard that word from. I laughed to myself after I said it, because I was just so proud that I even knew how to use it. I figured I had used it right because my coach/ English teacher didn't make me look like a fool at my use of such a big word, she was just as shocked as I was. I smiled to myself for the rest of practice.

I Hate Change

I can't really find a good explanation for my crappy mood, except for the fact that I can feel how bad things are going to get. I feel extremely overwhelmed. I feel the depressed mood, and the boring unhappiness settling back in. Things just aren't seeming happy like they used to. I'm feeling tired and moody, and I'm having a hard time enjoying certain aspects of life that used to be so easy for me to enjoy. Like today, I was sitting in my room with some of my really good friends, singing Regina Spektor. How does that not make me happy? All I could think about the whole time was what was happening to all my friends. My time left with them is short. I just keep feeling more and more crappy as the days goes. Don't get me wrong, I have the good days as well, but I still have the constant reminders of what is to come. It also doesn't help that I've managed to piss my best friend off. I still feel ridiculously horrible about it, and he hasn't said one word to me all weekend. Boy, do I feel like an ass.

The pattern is happening again:

Thursday Night.

Friday Night.

I bet you tonight for sure.

Maybe even tomorrow as well, if things don't lighten up.

I'm out of ideas about what to do now. I've apologized and I've asked you to the movies. What more do you fucking want? Blehhh. You are just one stubborn, big-headed person.

I would be the one to get everything going as I wanted, and then fuck it all up.

FUCK

Rainy Monday

I don't mind

You're someone that ain't mine

But someone that I'll get

And you don't know how

Hard I've tried

To convince myself that I

Can easily forget

But you left this feeling

Here inside me

One that never fails to find me

On a rainy Monday

I feel it inside me

Like the days of summer

On a rainy Monday

I feel it inside me

In the hopes of one day...

I won't lie

I still can't say that I

Admit we went too far

And you won't see me change my mind

But I really wish that I

Could forget the way you are

But you left this feeling here inside me

The battle in my mind still fights me

I can see that you're not beside me

But I still feel you shine inside of me

On a rainy Monday

I feel it inside me

Like the days of summer

On a rainy Monday

I feel it inside me

In the hopes of one day...

Let Me Run That Past You Again

These decisions we made have helped me realize what we have, and what we have lost. I knew that something like this was already forming, but I'm glad we got the chance to say it. I'm glad you realize what you have done, and want to take the blame for it. I no longer feel the need to beat myself up for it, and punish myself for making it unclear to you. I'm willing to go through all the problems and troubles that we seem to make, and see what happens in the end. I know you aren't ready to admit certain things, but that's okay, because I'm not either. I am not ready to fully open up to anyone, especially you, and I trust you the most out of all of my friends. I now know how much i mean to you, and that also lets me know what these decisions mean to you. I'm glad you have broken down some walls for me, and allowed me to hop some of those fences. I feel as if this will let us know each other again. I really missed not knowing, I hope you did too.

Speaking My Mind. Sort Of...

Here are a few things I would like to say to some people, but don't really have the guts to.

• You really should think about more of how you say stuff to me. You know how much it hurts me when you have to go and be a smart ass for no reason. I know that you are scared and I am too. At least I already had the guts to tell you this. Just fucking say it! You know you want to, deep down, because we all know that it will make you feel better for just saying it. I wouldn't have to tell anyone, and I doubt I would anyways, because if you ask me to do something for you, you can bet that I will do it for you. That's how much you mean to me. Cant you see that I want to help you as much as you want to help me? Its okay to seem weak once in a while, it wont offend me, or make me think less of you. You know that you still have that part of me, and all you do is toss it around, going one way, then another.
• What the hell are you doing? Gahhh! I have no idea what is going on with you anymore. You confuse me. You say one thing, and do another. There's a word for that, oh yeah, HYPOCRITE. I miss the old you. We don't care what other people think of you, because you didn't care at first. Now all you do is bend to others ways and follow in their shadows. It's annoying, and its not like the old you at all.
• I have no idea what to do with you. We'll see.
• I miss the old you as well. I miss the carefree you, where the only thing that mattered was what happened on the weekends. Now you care too much about your looks, and others opinions, and it makes me sad. I hope that when you are able to spend more time with your true friends, then you will be drawn back to your old self, and not dwell on the past so much. I guess I am partially to blame, because its been hard for me to be there for you, because I get caught up in my own drama. I'm sorry for that.
• Thank you for not seeing me as the pathetic soul that I, and others, make me out to be. This process is driving me just as crazy as everyone else, and I don't think that people understand the emotion behind it. You seem to, and that is amazing, and gives me some relief.

One friend says one thing. The other friend says another. Another one doesn't really says much. The first one I would like to believe more, because I am closer to them, but the second one makes a good point. I think I need to investigate this more myself. Get a good perspective on it. Sometimes it's just easier to do things yourself.

Quotes

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You aren't very convincing."

"I seem to be fooling everyone else."

Quote from a book that I feel like describes me at the this time. Luckily, I'm not suffering for family problems, otherwise that quote would really pertain to me.

I also found this other quote while I was browsing photography pictures on photobucket (haha).

"I live in a world of fantasy

So keep your reality away from me

I see what I want

I want what I see

And that is all okay by ME"

He Really Is My Prince, and I'm So Glad To Have Him

If I had a freaking dime for every time someone brought up their awesome relationship to me, or started talking to me about their wonderful "prince" or "princess", or how perfect their boyfriend/girlfriend was,

I WOULD BE RICH!!!

I just listen. It seems like they are drawn to me for help or something. Do I look like a relationship specialist? Maybe its because I'm drawn to the cutesy cheesy things. I have no idea. All I know is that this is not helping me with any problems right now. I still have that damn hole, and I still have this intense jealousy. I just don't know what to do anymore. This is getting out of hand, and I feel like I'm going to snap sometime soon. Luckily I made the soccer team, and now can burn off some of this anger I feel. Not that my team is good or anything, so I can be aggravated about that too. Yay! My life rocks...

Sarcastic title if you didn't catch that...

It's Burning Through Me

Sunday night.

Monday night.

Thursday night.

Friday morning.

Saturday day and night.

Sunday night.

Monday night.

Tuesday night.

What is wrong with me?

Stupid Memories, I Hate You

I thought that soccer would help consume some of my mind wandering time, but it hasn't. I remember how soccer and baseball are at the same time, and then that leads me to him. I remember playing in my soccer games, and rushing over to catch the second game of the night to cheer him on. I still find myself drawn to those happy times that cause me to be depressed now. I really wish that my subconscious memory would leave me alone, but it feels the need to bug me about what I don't have anymore. I am also faced with the fact, daily, that my friends are in the happiest of relationships, or talking to the most amazing person ever, and I am, once again, burrowing deep inside myself to those amazing memories to relate to my friends. I don't know if I can even call them amazing anymore, now that they lead me into a sort of sadness that makes me jealous and submissive. Everyone comments on my bad moods, and I haven't been able to come up with a better excuse except for, "I'm not feeling well," or "I'm just tired." That isn't really the case at all, unless you count the hour I miss of my sleep because I am kept awake by my jealousy as my sister is texting her boyfriend in the room next to me until odd hours in the night.

I feel like I am being unfair to him for feeling this way still, and that I'm having such a hard time getting over him, especially since he knows. We are both trying, but I think I am failing more than he is. He just works all the time to get his mind off things, he looks forward to it now. I get to mope around at home, listen to my sister talk about her boyfriend, listen to my other friend talk about his girlfriend and what they do in their spare time, and just take it all in, and sulk some more. It gets really old, but I cant seem to find a way out of this pattern.

I was hoping that soccer would be able to clear my mind, focus on the game, and fill that dumb hole I have. Yet I still haven't made the team, and I have no idea if I am (seeing as how today went, which was pretty atrocious). I feel helpless, not hopeless, but I feel pretty lost as to how my life is going at the moment, and that I am just disappointing people by not moving on. My friends say, "Well he wasn't that great anyway." I guess they cant really grasp the problem at hand, because not many of them can see what I see in him, so I will take their ignorance and just shove it to the side.

I dont even know why typing this is making me cry. I think I'm going insane.

This Can't Get Any Worse

So this week sucked.

I missed a day of school.

I find out that I'm failing a class.

My mom took my cat to get euthanized.

Fuck My Life.

Failing Math = No Soccer

I missed school yesterday, because I was sick. I come back today, and I learn that I am FAILING A CLASS. That does not happen to me, ever. The lowest grade I have gotten in a class was a D, and that was for like three days because my teacher hadn't plugged in a any work for two weeks. I cant fail. I'm a senior, I have soccer tryouts next week. I can not have a 49.5% in that class. I have never understood that shit. I cant believe I'm failing. I just cant believe. I get all the work done, I try my hardest to understand it, but I fail those damn quizzes and tests. I just got a 31% on my last test. I get to take it over, if I get a lower grade, I have to keep it, and then my life will be fucked up more because I cant play soccer. I don't know what I will do without soccer. I know I seem to be freaking out, but this is what I have been looking forward to, and working for all year since I didn't do volleyball. If I don't raise my grade by next Friday, then I am screwed. Gahhhhh!!!