Depressive Jealousy

The big green monster inside of me is beginning to subtly lash out. The victim: Rosie. I'm not terrorizing her or anything, but silently holding in my emotions, and looking pissed off when I see her. I don't mean too, it's just my subconscious taking over.

The first thing that started it off today was the realization that I didn't have a "Good Morning" text on my phone from him like I would every Saturday. So I sit in my bed and wallow in myself pity for not getting a sweet text and for knowing that I wont hang out with him today. Then I make it down the stairs where I come to find out that Rosie has been cheerfully texting her boyfriend since 8 o' clock this morning. Inwardly pouting some more, the day goes on, where I come across another realization; Rosie has to hang out with him today for at least an hour. Not alone of course, but for a group project for HOSA. I take that as my cue to make it to my parents' room to clean it, while blasting music of my hopelessness, wallowing in self pity some more. Shutting myself in my parents' room was a good way to escape and clear my mind a bit. I make it downstairs later on and sit at the table, being lame and playing Sims2. Rosie comes home, but leaves in 10 minutes. Guess where she goes? That's right, Josh's house. I am really miffed at this point, and call Bri's house about four times to try and make plans. Becoming more mad at myself when I forgot that she wasn't home, I make it to my room and clean the whole entire thing; going over things twice, ripping pictures off my walls, blasting music, re-organizing already well-organized things. I cant take it anymore. I call Bri again, and she answers. We make plans, and I get out for the night. I casually bring him up in conversation, Bri forgets that we aren't dating, and I remember that I'm supposed to be hanging out with him then. The night goes on, and he is still there in my mind the entire time. I tirelessly think of him, and hope that he texts me, wonders what he is doing, think about what we could be doing right then and there, and wonder if he would come to my first bonfire. I didn't mean to mentally ditch Bri, but I was there, I was enjoying myself fully, but I was still internally moping; becoming more pathetic by the minute. Moving on seems too impossible right now. I don't think I want to just yet, silly as that may sound. I like the feeling of liking him, it makes me feel like I never have, even though its so incredibly hopeless and simply pathetic. I have plenty of time anyways.

Gah, this sucks. I regret to say that I am still paranoidly conscious of where is in relation to me at all times. I thought it would be so easy to move on, because I wasn't as into the relationship as I had hoped I would have been. This is not the case. I am having the hardest time of my life. I seriously can't seem to get him off of my mind. I always light up when he is still in the room as me, or when we get a chance to talk ( regrettably not too much today). I'm afraid that he has easily moved on, and that he is already talking to another girl. I know we are supposed to move on and such, but i just can't, not yet. This whole "best friend" thing is just not working...

Call Me Crazy

I hate my Bioethics student teacher. I know its mean, but I really can't stand to listen to anything that comes out of her mouth. She just really gets on my nerves really fast. Like today for instance. She spent the whole hour discussing horses. First of all, I hate horses, and I do not find them interesting in the least bit. Second of all, cloning creeps me out. So put the two together and I could give a damn about what you are talking about. Yes, it was about what we were discussing in class overall, but I really don't think we need to waste our time discussing that when she said we are already a week behind, and that this information is not going to be on a test. Bleh.

So I really hate how much we are better friends then in a relationship. Today was a whole lot less awkward then I thought it was going to be. I don't want to say that made me mad, but I was just sort of miffed at the fact that we were made to be just friends. It's annoying. I'm glad that we can go on as great friends, laughing with each other and just acting normal. I don't know if I can call it jealousy, because I cant be jealous at myself can I? I guess my relationship-self is jealous at my friend-self. I'm not too sure if I'm making any sense at all right now, but at least I know what I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure that's all that matters. I hope...

My Best Friend

Two weeks. That's all it took. Actually it was twelve days. It took exactly twelve days for me to realize that this wasn't going to work. I had a feeling it wouldn't. It all started when I was trying to tell him differently about something, and it blew out of proportion. He said that I had changed, and my friends have done bad things to me. I knew this had been bugging him, but I was glad he knew how i felt just a month ago. He then began to toss ultimatums at me, expecting me to choose one or the other; my friends or him. I wanted to choose him, but I had to know what that entitled. Asking what I would get out of that gave him the wrong idea, and he told me I chose my friends and I had failed the test. I was going to choose him, but I didn't know if i wanted it. I love him so much, but I wasn't happy. I was happy the first week we started dating again, I was so happy that I knew something that nobody else did, and that I got to keep what we had as something special. Then the love started to dwindle down, as things became awkward for me. When something wrong would happen, I would imagine myself with someone else, to see how the situation would have happened differently. Not knowing that person well enough, helped me to keep on going with Cam, because I loved him most of all.

I'm not too sure why I kept fighting for our relationship to stick together. I guess it was the fact that I didn't want someone else to have him, and that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I felt that he was mine to be had, because we love each other and had been through so much. He was just as much a part of me as I was a part of him. Basically two peas in a pod. I convinced myself that I was happy, and that I was lucky to be with him. I wanted to do anything to please him, but that didn't turn out as I had planned. I began to worry about losing my friends. With college coming up, I dreaded losing anyone that I might lose in the future; I want as much time with them, as anyone else.

So now Cam and I are holding the "Best Friend" title. At least I think we are. I think it was made to be that way, as much I would like to ignore it. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that some things happened, and I wish that some things didn't. I don't regret much except that I didn't love him as much as I had wanted to. He still means the world to me, whether I can be with him or not. I'm still going to care for him, watch over him, laugh with him, and be with him when he needs me.

He is my best friend.

True Friends?

I find it quite annoying when people tell me to hang out with. My friend asked me today that he wanted to hang out Friday, and I told him that I would get a group of people to get together to hang out. I also informed him of my lack of money, and that I would need to go somewhere cheap, or free, preferably the latter of the two, hinting towards Borders. As soon as mention the fact that I would like to make it a group thing, he starts to name off the people that are my good friends who he doesn't particularly like; calling them annoying and insisting that he "needs time just with my favorite twins." I nicely informed him that he mentioned some of my best friends, and that they really aren't that bad. I'm hoping he feels stupid for his dumb comment, because he hasn't hung out with these people very much, and don't know them as much as he thinks. I hate the human nature of being judgemental, it can really piss me off.

Speaking of judgemental...

Another thing that really aggravated me was the fact that people were talking about me in class today, while I was listening. They were of course talking about Cam and I, and pointing out that we were "making flirty eyes" at each other. The thing is though, that they had to whisper it to everyone else in the class first, before proceeding to laugh some more as Cam and I gave questionable looks at each other, causing more looks and disrupting the whole class. Its not like we couldn't hear our names being spoken around to everyone. I asked him what they said, and he said he wasn't sure. So the rest of my day was spent being lamely paranoid about the fact that people are still poking fun at me and Cam. I know that what they did wasn't that big of a deal, but it hurt me that people I thought were some of my good friends, insisted making a big deal out me and Cam. Why cant you guys just get over it? I know that most don't approve, but I think I can make my own decisions now. I just wish that people would at least support me a little bit. I support some of my friends when they do something or say something that they I don't really agree on, because I know that's what makes them happy.

Little Misunderstandings

I hate misunderstandings. They always seem to be the cause of all problems; if people get the wrong idea about you, or you don't elaborate enough. It also causes confusion on whose fault it is, not that it is any one's fault anyways, but naturally, its human nature to blame someone. So not knowing who to blame can make a bigger argument in itself. Which can be very annoying. Personally, I think it always make me feel better to blame someone, but if there is too much confusion in the matter, its better to walk away. Not that I do, because I'm just too stubborn and would prefer to be right about everything, but you know, that never works. Which can also add to more problems, being blown out of proportion, and can lead to various different consequences, all usually sucking in their own way. It's great you know?

Dizzy

I almost told her today. Many people already know; some of them, I told them to keep it quiet, others, I told it was nothing new. I just don't understand why I can't tell her, my own twin sister! I think I'm starting to become afraid of her. I don't know why, but I'm just so afraid that I will let her down so much that we wont even talk anymore. I would hate that. So why can't I do a simple thing and just tell her what's going on. I'm sure she already knows, and I'm sure someone may have told, if they haven't already, then it's coming. It should be easy to say, "Rosie, I am dating Cam again." I find that it's not. I came so close to saying it. She was telling me how one of her friends used her as an example for her religion class, saying that Rosie and Josh are a couple who love each other and will wait to have sex until marriage. I almost said, "why didn't she use me as an example?" then I refrained, because I was afraid, plus my friend doesn't know we are dating yet either. Gahhh! I don't understand. I am more willing to tell my friends who I have only know for a few years, than to tell my sister who I've known since before I was born! I feel like I have this guilt I'm carrying around with me, because I haven't told my family that we are official yet. I know my mom has caught on, because she asks me normal conversational questions like, "What is Cam doing after school?", When does Cam work?" These are questions she would ask when Cam and I were dating before. She hasn't said anything about how she doesn't like the idea of us dating again since 2 weeks ago, and I'm glad. It would make me feel even more guilty. I don't know why I have to be with him, but I feel like I do. I can't stand to be away from him, and I care way too much about him than to let anyone else have him. Selfish I know, but he feels the same. Cam and I are so ridiculous and so crazy, I don't understand how we function, but we do. It makes me so happy to know that he wants me to be the one to cheer him up, and to be the one the he says good morning to as soon as he gets up and turns on his phone. It almost cancels out thee guilt I have being with him, because it's such a relief that we are on the same page with each other now. I just pray that we can both keep our promises, and I just hope for the best.

The Middle

So I don't know why I'm dumb and never realized it before, but I have found a song that sort of defines my life right now. I'm dumb for not noticing it because A. It's by my favorite band and B. because I love this song. I feel really lame that I didn't pay enough attention to lyrics before, but I will do better and work on that. Here is the song. I bet you can see what I'm talking about.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time,

little girl you're in the middle, of the ride.

Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.

You know you're doing better on your own,

so don't buy in.

Live right now.

Yeah, just be yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time,

little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just do your best, do everything you can.

And don't you worry what the bitterhearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time,

little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

It just takes some time,

little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Also, I thought it would be cool to inform you that I am starting my story today. I'm not exactly sure on how it is going to go, but I do know what its going to be about. I know this isn't very original, but I'm going to write the story about how my mom and dad met and what not. I really like their story and find it very cute. Basically my mom was abused and she wanted to get away, so my dad helped pay for her to go to college and what not. I am definitely not going to leave it at that, and I'm going to add more. I am also thinking that I will make it seem less lame and more uh interesting? yeah, that sounds good.

By the way, I came up with this idea when I fell asleep in class today. So I have to thank Mrs. Royston for her lack of picking an interesting subject to teach.

Happy Halmark Day

So, I wake up this morning, and my curtains are drawn mind you, and I see a nice bright light shining through. The first thing that pops in to my head is SUN. I was like, sweet! the sun has come out today!!! NOT. I get up to pull back my curtain, and it's SNOW. Let me tell you, I was pissed. It snow all day. I was like, "seriously?" The next bad thing that added to my morning was that I skipped breakfast to do laundry. I literally, and I'm not lying, I alone had 10 loads of laundry. It was ridiculous. So I spent from 10 until 2 doing laundry. It was great...
The rest of the day was super lazy and what not.
That's when I came to a conclusion...
I don't really read much anymore. I used to go through books like a fat person would go through cookies. I mean, I read for school, sort of. That's not reading, that's "let's read these books and learn to hate them because we study them too much." I have so many books that I need to read. I think that will help get the imaginative juices flowing, and then I can write better. I really miss it.
By the way, today went well. I hung out with Cam and Drew. Cam and I felt bad to leave Drew home alone today while his girlfriend was out in Ann Arbor. So he tagged along, and we had lots of fun. Cam is being quite the gentleman :D. Also, his hair is now BLACK. I couldn't get over it the whole night, and I couldn't stop looking at it. I lost him in borders because I was looking for a red-head, not someone with super brown/black hair. I'm not really sure what color it is yet. In some light you can still see his red hair, but then its just super brown in others, and others it looks like gray. Not too sure yet.

Uhhh

I know I already blogged today, but I felt like I should talk about this because I feel really bad.

So I just found out this past weekend that my kindergarten teacher died. I always thought she was nice and that I liked her. Come to find out, I hated her. My mom told me that I didn't like her because she was like my grandma. That would would make sense as to why I hated her, but I didn't know I actually did. I feel so bad that I hated her, because

1. I didn't know I did, and

2. because now she's dead

Apparently she went to my mom when I was little, and she was confused as to why I didn't talk to her or acknowledged her. I was going to her funeral, but now I cant for many reason. I kind of wish that I could go now so I can make it up to her. Maybe she realized that I really didn't hate her when I got older and I was nice to her, just like I thought I was.

Please Take Care of My Heart

I'm sitting at the dining room table again, jamming to music, and watching my sisters cook and prepare my mom's birthday dinner. I'm so helpful :D. The music lyrics are reminding me of what happened yesterday. Everyone knows what happened yesterday. Or do they? I'm hiding so many secrets now, its getting crazy and my mind is even more cluttered that before. I need to let some out, but I cant tell ANYONE. I'm sworn to secrecy. One is until the time is right, another cant be known ever, and one will never be understood. Its like my life is ruled by these surreptitious thoughts. I wont be able to keep these all confidential for very long.

Whoa

Oh Shit.

That was whoa.

I'm not too sure how it will go from here.

Still undercover for no reason, but to keep my family out.

(Some of them already know, and may have passed it on).
I now have reached the stressed point that I talked about.

Thank God I have friends who stand by me 100%.

The Truth is Hard to Swallow

I love the rain, but damn it, it took my sun! I knew the good weather couldn't last. I guess I should have known, seeing as I live in Michigan, "The ridiculous weather state." I was all excited for the nice weather, and the awesomeness of the warmth, but no. Now I am stuck being warm and wet. It's gross and does not bode well for the upcoming soccer season.

There has been a lot of unexpected things happen this week. My head is spinning by how fast things are going by, even though the week feels as if it is taking forever. I cant seem to make the things slow down, but I don't know if I want them too. Actually, I think it would be nice if they did. I would be able to let my mind receive some relief, and get a chance to take a nice deep breath. I feel like things are going so fast that I cant be sure if they are going as planned. This causes my mind to jumble more, and get more confused. I don't know if I am to the stressed point yet, but I feel as if I may be getting there. I need to just get some stuff off my chest, and I think that may help things out a bit. There are some things I need to say to some people, and maybe some questions to answer by others, because I know they are coming. People have managed to figure out whats going on, and its pissed them off or disappointed them. I feel like some of the decisions are going to hurt me in some way, but I know that whatever choice I make, I know that I will upset myself in some way. I'm just hoping that maybe my friends can at least understand a little bit, or at least not talk about me behind my back when I'm sitting at the same table. It's getting harder and harder to be happy with everyone, but I am trying my hardest. At least I'm not crying all the time anymore...

My God It's Beautiful!

57 degrees never felt, looked, or smelled better.

It's even getting lighter longer! This first sign of spring has brought the most happiness from me. I can feel the new and good things coming, and I know that they will come in full swing when the time comes. The glorious sun is shining its promising rays on me, and I hope to God that those rays do bring those promises, or at least keep them. I feel as if all I live on is promises now; hopes and wishes for the future that could bring about what I want or my greatest fear. I feel like I am living the biggest secret of all. No one knows what is going on. Only I and that other person do. That is what is keeping us going at this point: the fact that what we have is unknown and growing stronger by the moment. I feel as if it may be a little unsteady, keeping all these promises behind everyones' back, but I think that it will prove what we really have when the time comes. I pray that I figure out what I really want from this, and that things will start to unfold as emotions start to come out, and even get forced out. I wonder how long we can keep this up, this passionate secret that I hold and the emotions that we share.

So as I was sitting outside on the paved ground, waiting for my mom to come get after soccer practice, and I was taking in the beauty of the warmth. During my jumbled day dreams, I realized that I no longer have the amazing imagination that I once had. I'm pretty sure that others have thought about it, but I felt the full blast of this missed quality just a bit ago. I could imagine many great things with the help of my sisters. We played in our hollowed out pine tree and played anything from pioneers to princesses. We were the amazing creatures who ruled the place, and governed the land, and took over the trees. We were free to think what we pleased and enjoyed playing along with whatever we came up with. Nothing was too weird or too strange for us to do. We make silly concoctions of the weird plants and from fruits that we were able to reach. I miss that imagination that I had. It was so pure and so fun. It's not that I don't have one now, but it lacks the perspective if naivete and pureness of a child. I wish I could reach back and retrieve some of it back. It was lost as the years went by, and I had to let go of those childish ways in order to achieve what I must to reach the future.

Damn responsibility.

I am so sick of my family. I'm sick of the way then gang up on me, and wont let me go. Rosie comes to me and tells me that I need to stop hiding and that she is sick of people asking her whats wrong with me. I'm sorry that my life kind of sucks at the moment. Maybe I really am suffering from minor depression or something. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm sick of the cold. My mom wants me to bond more with them and hang out more with them, and not hide out in my room. I don't know how long I will be able to stand that. Its not that I don't get along with them, I am just sick of their opinions. Yes, yes, they are entitled to them, but do I have to be forced to hear them? I know they want to help me, and they will always be there for me, but I wish that sometimes they would get off my back and stopping telling me that I am all wrong and they know best.

I'm Just a Little Too Not Over You.

I came to an amazing realization today. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, and why it has never crossed my mind. I guess its because I'm too worried about making people happy. I feel like its my job, but it really isn't. I should look at it more as a hobby. Don't get me wrong, making people feel good is the best feeling ever, but when do I get a chance?

So when I got home from school, made myself some of the best tea, sat down at the table with my dad's crappy laptop, and ate some delicious Andes chocolates, this is what I came up with:

I have to disappoint people in order to not disappoint myself.

I feel like this is a harsh realization, but I feel as if I am way too concerned about what I do and how it affects people. I want to live, and not have others rule over my life.

What happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms?

As I was in the shower, every song that came on the radio was for me; White Horse by Taylor Swift and Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

I have never cried harder.

I have never felt more hopeless.

I have never felt more lost.

I have never felt more alone.

I have never been more depressed.

I have no idea what to do.

I still love him, yet we hate each other. We cant stand each other. We are no longer a part of each others lives. My heart is even more torn now, to the point where I think there is barely anything left.
After this realization in the shower, I collapse. This has only happened to me once before, and that was during a volleyball practice. Never out of whatever I'm feeling or something. I'm just so weak and tired. Tired of all of this. I wished it never happened.

I wish we never dated. I wish I never had feelings for him. I wish I didn't call him to hang out the day after Drew's birthday party 2 years ago. I wish that I didn't call him that night to talk to him until 3 in the morning. I wish I didn't say yes to going out with him. I wish that his family never met me because I love them all. I wish that I had never had him come to my bonfires. I wish I had never taken him back. I wish that I hadn't done all those things alone with him. I wish that I didn't ever hold his hand. I wish that he never bought me that damn bracelet. I wish that I could just burn all the clothes he gave me, and I probably will. I wish that his new dumb ass girl friend cheats on him. I wish I had made out with Brad more. I wish that I made out with Brad right in front of him. I wish that he was crying right now. I wish that he is in as much pain as me.

I fucking hate him and love him at the same damn time. Why does it have to be this way?

Sweet Dreams

I miss my old dreams. I miss the ones where I would wake up and laugh at my subconscious, thinking "what the hell am I on?" They were always so much more entertaining, and my family would get a kick out of them when I would run down the stairs and say, "You guys have got to hear this dream I had last night." I had one once where the Disney Queen had death eaters attacking me and my friends and we had to help save everyone, all during Fred and George's piano recital, and I was dating George in the dream. It was pretty epic and pretty weird.

Now my dreams cause me to wake up crying. It's so stupid, and they are so depressing. Especially last night. I thought I was over this whole thing with him, but this dream really told me that I wasn't. I hate it. Somehow many of my friends are at this huge house, and of course he and I are acting like we used to and what not. Then he changes his mind and wants my other friend. I don't know why he did it, but then he goes home to get something and as he is walking away from the house I am screaming "You broke my heart! You broke my heart!" over and over again. He comes back shortly in his car and stays the night with her in the room next to me, and the whole time I am saying "He broke my heart, he broke my heart." When morning comes, I manage to make it down the stairs, dragging my feet and tears still pouring from my eyes. I tell my mom that he spent the night here, and she says she hates him and wishes he wouldn't do that. At that second, both him and my friend walk down the stairs awkwardly and he walks out to his car. Then I scream at them, "You broke my heart and I hate you!" over and over again.

Then I wake up, depressed, crying hard, and not knowing what to do about it. I cant laugh at myself for this dream, because deep down i know its true.

To add to that, I now know who that dumb slut is who made out with him when he was drunk. When I see her in the hall, I just want to pull out her hair and shove her into the locker. It makes me want to cry every time I see her. I bet she cant even begin to understand what she's done.

When You See My Face, I Hope It Gives You Hell

I hate to use the lame analogy of my heart having a piece ripped from it, but that's how it feels right about now. I know that not everyone is a fan of the Twilight books, but they do have some truth to them. In the second book, New Moon, where she is so lost and so sad that she cant even breathe, I now understand what it feels like. I almost passed out in the shower, crying my heart out when it happened. I had to grip to the wall when I realized that I wasnt breathing enough.

It sucks that he finally gave up when we were making plans to hang out together. My feelings dont change for him, but we cant be anything if he keeps shutting me out and pushing me away when all I do is care. So Iguess that I have finally come to a decision, or we have for that matter.

We are done.

Laptop, Glass Bottle Coca-Cola, And a Warm Fire

I managed to be even more lame than I already am, and write a list so i could know what to talk about. The list grew throughout my day of school, so I think I'm going to narrow it down a bit. Haha I'm lame.

The status of my whole ordeal with him: It's all fun and games for now. Lame, I know, but we are still trying to figure out what we want, and that means spending small amounts of time together. If anything, we will just be best friends. I don't know if that sounds good enough or not, still trying to search through myself about this whole ordeal. I'm also wondering how these weekends coming up are going to go. Saturday is the dance, and he is going because he told me he owes me a dance. I feel happy that he will do that for me, but I wonder what that's going to do to us in our minds. I don't know, everything seems to affecting how I think about it, and I just need to let some stuff go so that I will be able to understand myself better and know what I want.

I think I keep hoping that I will wake up and someone will be there for and I will be totally happy with them; hoping that it will be him. I know this sounds really stupid, but I feel kind of at a loss that I don't have anyone to really care for. I mean, he knows that I do, but I think that it will end up just us being best friends. Which always sucks, whether you want it or not.

I don't know, I kind of feel my sanity slipping away. Okay, that sound over-dramatic, and Hamletish, but that's the best way I could put it. I noticed I don't clean my room at all anymore, a habit I used to have as soon as I got home from school; I just leave things lying around until its the weekend or until I have a good chunk of time to do it. I also find myself not being able to sleep, as I've said before. Another thing is that I keep avoiding my parents. I did it a little before because they would always ask me silly questions that were too personal for my liking, but now it seems to have grown to bigger proportions. I am afraid that they will ask how I'm doing and all I will say is "fine", when I really don't think that I am doing fine. Fine isn't even an emotion. It's a lame-ass excuse to avoid confrontation and it allows people to stay hidden in themselves. Someone like me. I can't seem to bring myself to really spill my guts out anymore. It used to be so easy only a few months ago, but I got tired of people getting sick of my crying and sick of my problems and wanting to help. I was tired of people helping me. It's just a hassle and they don't need the burden or to feel the pity of my problems. I would much prefer helping people, and them having them to help me in-return. Sometimes I do feel the need for some help, but I don't tell the whole story, or all that is bothering me to that person. I don't think anyone really does. I know that I beat around the bush and hope that I get the answer that I am looking for, or maybe hoping that that advice will suffice. I don't know, call me crazy.

Time to totally change the subject around.

So I have been doing a lot more writing. Obviously. I "write" on here and I have my journal and my English class. I came up with a super lame story idea and I'm not too sure on how I want to develop it yet or what not, but it just came to me a couple days ago. So we'll see. I also am currently writing a paper for English, and I thought my intro paragraph was awesome. I never write good intros, and this is the best one I have ever done. Read It:

In Ian McEwan’s novel Atonement, Peter Mathews uncovers some of the deeper meanings behind the story that unfolds surrounding Briony and her walk down a road she chose. Mathews explains that “while the novel demonstrates the potentially tragic results of hasty judgment, its increasing ambiguity self-reflexively turns this logic of shame back onto the reader, so that the book’s conclusion leaves us, as witnesses, to ponder our own ability to testify about the story that Briony has just described.” In his analysis, Mathew explains Briony’s story through secrets and mysteries, paradoxes, morals and religion, and knowledge of the situation.

Awesome isn't it? Nope, didn't think so either, but I'm proud of it all the same.

I Need Sleep

I don't really sleep anymore. I haven't really been sleeping for about a month. Sure I sleep, but I can't really fall asleep. It's like I have to force myself to be peaceful and clear my mind.I'm not exactly sure why. I believe I am thinking too much when I am about to go to sleep. Like last night for instance. I kept thinking about possibilities if I were to do something, or not do it. When I am lying in bed, its like the only time I have to myself, and therefore I think. I'm sure most people do it, but now it is causing me not to sleep. Last night it took me over an hour to fall asleep; on regular nights it would take me about five minutes to fall asleep. I'm not sure what to do. It's not like I can stop thinking, that would be bad (haha). I guess I just need to sort some stuff out and figure things out. There are a couple major things on my mind, but I think I will be able to breathe easier once I figure out what I'm going to do about the whole thing with him.

Just Like A Crow Chasing A Butterfly...

Damn snow! I want spring!
I just came across my bonfire pictures from last year. Man, do I miss them. It needs to get warmer ASAP so that I can have them again.
Moving on...
Today I have a lot of homework and it sucks. I'm using this whole blogging ordeal and a "break" because I so do not want to do my work. I have three major things I need to work on.
1. I have to do a project on Hamlet themes; ours is human frailty and weakness and how it affects behavior. So lame. The project has annoying petty details that mess everything. If we get any of those details out of order, or don't do them right, it affects our grade majorly. Dumb...
2. I have to analyze a critical analysis on the book Atonement by Ian McEwan. It's awesome...not. Its also due this week along with the project mentioned above. I have no idea how to write this paper, so I have to bs the whole thing. Sweet...
3. I am so behind on my FST homework that its ridiculous. Its all due Wednesday along with the Hamlet project. YAY!

Shoot me in the foot.

By the way, I am in love with the new Shinedown CD. Thought I would point that out.

I Believe In a Thing Called Love

I'm still confused about how I feel. It's annoying...

I talked to him quite a bit this weekend.

On Saturday, he texted me after the dance, and we got into some serious conversations. There are some things we both definitely miss, and some things that most definitely would have to change. Then we talked for like five seconds yesterday, but I did get the chance to ask him one simple question:

Do you really want to be with me, or do you just like the idea of me?

Here is exactly what he said:"I did love you and want you, but I am not completely sure what I want at the moment. Just give it time. The most important thing at the moment is to make sure both of us know exactly how each of us feel."

I would have to agree with this. I'm so confused right now it's ridiculous! I still have feelings for him of course, but I think I need to take this question into consideration too. I do really like the idea of being with him, but is it worth it all?

Most people would have to say its not, but I can't go on listening to what people want me to do and do as everyone tells me, that's never going to get me anywhere. Plus I'll be doing what THEY want me to do, not what I want to do. It's a confusing process of searching myself and getting to know my heart a little better, but I find that this has woken me up a bit.

I think I would still be living in the shadows of my mind had I not had this opportunity to visit my heart which hasn't been visited in a while. I've come to a conclusion that some of the things that happened between he and I was because I was ignoring what my heart told me, and just going with my mind and agreeing to what my friends told me; I assumed that they knew best. Now, I'm not sure at this point who was right and wrong, but that's all in the past, and now I have to learn from my decisions, and where they have taken me at this point in time.