Love.

I'm not strong enough to say yes or no. I'm not sure what would happen if I answered the question at all. I just wish things didn't have to be this way. So many things are getting in the way right now. Was it always meant to be like this? Was I the one destined to make the choice? Was I the one who would always feel torn like this? I hate that it has come to this. Why now? Why me? Why this? Why this only chance? Why has this happened to you? Why couldn't this have been happening when I prayed for it every single night? Why did I finally decide to give up? Since when did I lose hope in things? I can't take this right now. I wish that this never would have happened. I wish that this was said to me a month ago. I wish that I never chose to forget. I know I never forgot; I still pray for you. I just wish that it would have been answered at a more convenient time. I wish that I didn't feel this way. I think I can truly feel my heart ripping in two right now. One side is for you, the other is for God knows what. I know what is holding me back, to some extent. I am living in fear of the future. I know I should just let things happen, but what if it ends worse than I could ever imagine. What if I come to realize that I could never love you back? What if that old feeling has gone for good? What if I can't find any way to let you come back to me? What if my heart never wants to open back up for you? What if we end up going our separate ways? I have no idea how to go about this. I know that everyone will hate me for this. I just don't know. My eyes hurt from crying every night so confused and depressed with all of this. My heart aches at the thought of losing you forever. My mind is pulsating from going over everything in my head hour after hour. I do pray every night that things would turn around, but now that they have, my heart feels as though it is made of lead. I don't know if I am willing to let it all go now. I think I am losing it. People are noticing now my sanity going. I don't see why something like this has to be so stressful. I can't take it, yet I am almost willing to throw everything out the window just to show that I can do it, that I can prove people wrong. I wish that it didn't have to be this hard. I wish... I wish that loving you was a whole lot easier.

Well she want's to be the queen
And she thinks about her scene
Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to be the queen!"

Please just say something. I know you want to say it. Age shouldn't matter. Sheesh. You came so close to slipping up last night, and the night before. I know you want to get it out of your system, so do it! Please...


Why do you always do this to me. Do you like to haunt me, because it seems like you do. I'm sorry that I have grown to like you less, that is just the way of life. I know you have found some renewed feelings for me, but I just can't take it. I am so tired of feeling this way. You make me feel guilty for living a life away from you. You toss out ultimatums as if they would affect me, but you know in the end that they have no effect at all. Please, just help me out a little be here and give me some time, or something...

Pity.

I can deal with you hurting me over and over again, but I can't stand hurting you like this. It's killing me.

Strange.

Things are getting strange all around.
The relationships I seem to have had with some of my friends a couple months ago have changed and gone places I never would have thought they would go.

Books.

As soon as I make it home from my class tomorrow, and have turned in my last paper, and have thrown my books on my shelf so that I can forget all about them...

I AM GOING TO READ A GOOD BOOK.

Many of them in fact. I have fallen SO far behind on my reading for leisure kind of thing. I feel at a loss without a good book under my nose. I miss being a book nerd oh so much. Good thing I have about a years worth of unread books on my shelf currently. I think I shall tackle those first before heading to Border's to buy more. I need to finish Artemis Fowl, Blue Like Jazz, Lullaby, and Brisingr. I know, I know, I'm a tad behind because I started Brisingr in the SUMMER. School happened, and therefore, I lost reading time. Well now I'm getting it back. Thank goodness.

Sorry to complain about my lack in nerdiness haha.

I'm praying for you.

I see a pattern with your suicidal thoughts.

Stressin'

Wednesday cannot come soon enough. I am soooo tired of studying and going over Chemistry stuff, my head could explode!
Speaking of which, I think that I might actually do pretty decent on my exam. I did pretty well on my last test which, hopefully, really helped my grade. I get a giant periodic cheat sheet for the final exam, which I can write anything on it, as long as I don't deface the stuff my professor printed out on there. I have been going through my book trying to figure out what stuff I really need to focus on. So I will be studying my butt for my Philo and Chem exams on Tuesday for the next couple days.
Next thing on the list to mention, I think I might be getting a job. Yes, I know, praise the good Lord! Haha. I was talking to my friend Cathy and she told her old boss that she should hire me, and now I'm waiting for a call from her. Cathy told me she is pretty forgetful, so I should consider texting her to let her know that I'm still alive. I'm not sure that is a too reassuring thought. Anyways, I know the owner, Robin, and I have coached her daughter in volleyball, and my mom has taught her kids. So she DOES know that I am a real person. She owns the Mrs. Field's in the mall, and now the new one opening in Grand Blanc. I would more than likely work in GB which would be AWESOME, but beggars can't be choosers. I REALLY hope she calls back soon; I'm getting anxious.
On another note. Things with Cam and I are just dandy now. We only talk a little bit here and there- not an everyday event. This moving on process is kinda sucking, but it's happening. I think.
Things with Josh are getting...weirder? I'm not too sure haha. We are really cool friends, but it's just weird. We both flirt, but want nothing to happen. That's good that we have that understanding. I mean, it would be kind of awkward to find out he thought differently, because I mean, we hangout almost every other day, so that would change things. He's a good kid.
I'm still debating about future kind of things. I don't know if I want to go to Northern, although I have found it VERY appealing. I'm just really unsure about a major still, and so therefore, don't want to make too big of decisions yet. I know, I know, people change their majors a million times, but I at least would like to know which field would at least get me a taste in what I would really like to do. Another thing is, I really just need some money to make living so far away from home, more realistic.

I have this weird mixed-up kind of feeling going on. It's just a kind of blah feeling, and I'm not sure I like it. I feel sort of torn, and I feel sort of tired. All I do is think about what may be causing this feel, and I think I have a pretty good hunch. I almost can't take it anymore. I'm really trying hard, but I don't want to grow impatient, and I don't want to totally lose it before I have the chance to see if I can really get away from it all.

I don't know how many times I've said this the past couple days.

I NEED OUT.

I am seriously going insane. My mom is a fucking psycho. I need out. I seriously do. I'm trapped in this little Hell called my house, and there seems to be no escape. Anywhere but here sounds good right now. Nothing seems to be going good right now. I don't have Cameron in my life in any sort right now, I'm failing Chemistry, and there seems to be no escape for me. I'm so tired of the stupid shit she puts me through. I'm currently trapped in my room so that I can avoid my mother and I don't have to hear here get pissed about God knows what. I just fear the day that I realize I can't leave, or that I somehow find something that keeps me trapped here even more.
The only reason I stayed here was because I knew that all my friends would make their way home somehow, and I would be here waiting for them. It has worked out perfectly until all my friends decided to not be my friends anymore. Mostly I stayed here for Cam and Bri. I'm glad I did, but I really wish I would've made more of an effort to go somewhere else. Everything is going to shit, and it seems like I can't do anything about it. I guess since I'm trapped here, I can study for Chem, but I seemed to have left my books in Bri's car. I'll get it sometime I guess.
Then, on top of all that, I keep having my crazy ridiculous dreams. The water people one the other night was scary as shit. Oh well, those will pass too I guess.
I wish there was a way to get out sooner. I really need to work harder on getting a job, or I'm going to be really fucked.

Deja Vu

Just Friends.

Apologizing means you won't do it again.

Lists, Lists, Lists.

Recently, I have been living my life by lists:
A list telling me the things I need to accomplish for the day.
A list telling me what I should save my money up for when I get a job.
A list of all the places I should apply to next.
A list of things that I need do in order to have the house cleaned by Saturday.
A list of the chemical compounds that I need to have memorized by my exam.
A list of the terms I need to have memorized for my Psychology test tomorrow.
A list of the things I would like to buy my family for Christmas.
A list of all the people I need to catch up with because I feel like I don't even know them.
A list of lists that I need to finish.