School.

This is how I feel about it right now.
Only one more day.

Amazing.

What an understatement.

Wow.

I'm glad you think I'm going to do nothing with my life, Mom. So now only the daughter who knows that she will earn the most money is allowed to go to elite schools and four-year universities? I'm glad you think I am just going to be a bum. Its good to know that you think I'm only going to Concordia because Josh went there; that was a low blow when Rose told me. Its also good to know that I will just be wasting my time at GVSU, and I should just stay here because its cheaper and I will be able to afford it, and all the classes are the same. Thanks, Mom, it means a lot.

Needtobreathe.

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders.

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders.

Doubts.

I feel very uneasy about all the school stuff still. I feel so sure about CUAA for one second, and then I start to freak out because I don't have the money, or what if I don't want to go into a churchwork branch? Then I think of what would be better about GVSU, and I think about what I would take there. I mean, I could still take psychology, but is that what I really want to do? I don't know what to do. How can someone be so indecisive? I guess I can't make any decisions until I take the tours. I will go to CUAA this Wednesday and see how I think of it, even though I have visited that campus numerous times. I just feel weird at the thought of me working in a church. Don't you guys? I mean, I don't know. This all doesn't make sense. I am so confused right now. I look at both sites and try to figure out what is going on. No matter where I go, I will have friends to be with, but I am really just worried about what I will be studying.
This is all stressing me out way more than my exams and papers.

Choices.

Church Work or Social Services or Child Life Specialist Concentration
Those are the three major branches under Family-Life Ministry
Those are also only my Concordia options, I need to look at GVSU too.

Closure.

Finally, some peace of mind.

Desultory.

I'm in for the final stretch. I cannot WAIT until summer hits, and being in college means that it will hit sooner than ever!
That really does make me happy.
I just really need to crack down on these papers. I have no freaking idea what I am gonna do about this Anthro paper. I only have a week to experience a new religious/supernatural belief. And no, I refuse to do anything that has to do with palm reading, or tarot cards, or Ouija boards. That stuff freaks me out, and I was raised to stay away from it, and that is okay with me.
Yesterday, I made a list of things, or rather, I started a list of things that I could do to better myself over the summer. The list mostly has to do with health and money, but I think that is a start. I have to be honest, I think vacations and road trips will be minimal for me this summer. Especially since I need to look into colleges and save my money. One of my rules is that I am only allowed to take out 30 bucks from each paycheck, and 20 of it has to go to gas, and the other 10 is for spending. I really need to save my money guys, its just the way it is.
In the past couple days, and after I wrote my last entry, I have done a lot of praying and talking to Chris and Josh about CUAA, and I think that is looking more and more like a possibility each day. I really need some time to look at the program online or something. I do have a chance to go and visit CUAA with Rachel, Chris, and Andrew, so I may take them up on that. I just have to ask Robin not to schedule me that day. That should be interesting.

Calling.

So today was Josh's big presentation. It really gave some insight on how much the church is losing its youth, and how we can help get those kids back. Having him as a friend though, I already knew a lot that information, I just didn't have the numbers that went along with it. Shocking numbers, St. Paul is such a good example for this because from freshmen to seniors in high school, we have had 80 become confirmed members of the church, and only 15 of them show up on a regular basis and actual DO something in the church, whether it be bible studies or game nights, or even big events like out-reach programs. It truly is a depressing thing, and I see it all the time being a part of SP and this generation. I really want to do something to help.
Which brings me to my next point.
As I grew up in SP, school and church, I have heard a lot about "God's calling" for people in their professions. Chris was really good at cars and whatever, but he thought God was calling him to do something else. My mom wanted to be a nurse, but she thought God was calling her to be a teacher and work with kids at a Lutheran school. My pastor worked in the Marines, and he got God's calling to become a reverend. I think that I might be getting my calling.
As I have spent the last sixths months getting closer to Josh and Chris as friends, I feel like I have really wanted to help them in the aid for getting more youth. I mean, look at all the things I took up at SP! I have done volleyball, lock-ins, SNL (Sunday Night Live, aka, game night), small groups, and the list goes on. What if I am supposed to continue my work towards the youth? I am not saying I want to be a deaconess, because those kind of creep my out and are part of a different Lutheran denomination. Its just that, I feel very strongly for the youth at SP, and I think they could use A LOT more help, and I think I might be able to lighten that load.
After Josh did his presentation, I made my way out of the church because I had to go help in the nursery for the voters meeting. I stopped out in the narthex, because I wasn't exactly sure on what I needed to do. As I stood out there, Josh, his family, pastor, and Mr. Froidenberg (no idea how to spell that man's name) made their way out too. My dad, before the service, had an interview with Mr.Froidenberg for Josh's sake, as part of Josh's final project. Anyways, Mr.Froidenberg was informed that I was at Mott, and didn't really have any direction towards a major, and that I was really involved in the youth at my church (Thanks Dad). So, as I stood out there waiting for directions from Liz, Froidenberg bee-lined for me. I was so glad to be forewarned that this might happen, but that didn't stop me from freaking out on the inside. I was talking to the head-honcho and a very important man in the Lutheran world. He basically started this Family-Life Program in the Lutheran Synod. As I calmed myself down, I was able to consider what he was saying. He was very excited that I did consider Concordia at one time, and he would really like to seem me in that branch of work. There are also many different branches in that field, like working with families who have ill children in the hospital and need support, or families that have adopted kids and getting them included. The list goes on. He seemed very interested that I was still so involved in my church, and I was really willing to hep Chris and Josh with all of their stuff. He told me to talk to them both about it, and see what I think. My dad told me I could expect him to call too. So that should be interesting.
As I walked away from Froidenberg, Josh's parents saw that I was talking to him, and they were very excited too. They think I would be great at doing what Josh does, and they think I should consider Concordia too. It was a very awkward moment for me, because I didn't know Josh's family as well, but they were thoroughly excited for me and the fact that this was something I might want to do with the rest of my life.
So far I have been thinking how rewarding this kind of job would be. I would be responsible for all these kids and their faith-lives. I would be able to bring those lost closer to God, and be able to show them that this is truly something to be proud of, your faith. I would get to work with them, and not have to teach them haha. I could still coach, I could have another job, I could make this as a career, I could work with families, I could help friends, I could help those who want to see their kid in more involved in things. I think these things are all very exciting in their own way. So who knows, you guys might see my living in Ann Arbor in a year or less. I also considered my messy, and not so clean past. I would feel so guilty leading kids to be better than me, if I could not originally treat myself the way I was supposed to. Then I look at Josh (don't take that the wrong way), but he has a past similar to mine, and he takes it as a sort of testimony as to what made him stronger in his faith, and decision to continue on this road through ministry. I don't know, its just something else to consider, and something else that might need some deeper thought.
This, and other options, are all great things to consider, and will definitely need to be prayed about.

Rambling.

Today has been one of the most laziest days ever. I have literally sat at the dining room table for about 6 hours today. I set up camp here this morning when I wanted to work on my paper, and got all the research done, the works cited done, and two pages. I think that is a very good progress since the paper isn't due until Thursday. The only thing is that I need to have a PowerPoint for the project too, but I signed up to present on the last day of class, that way I have to to get underway on my Anthro paper/project, and to ensure that I attend English class everyday so I don't lose points.
The rest of my day has consisted of my eating horribly (the little of that I have ate), baking cookies, and researching the list of movies for an Oscar-Winning Marathon with Bri (and anyone else who wants to join) for the summer.
I really need to focus on eating better, and working out more. For the sake of the summer coming, and in the long-run, the fact that diabetes runs in my family. I have a list of things I plan on doing everyday for this summer:
1. Run if I can't swim, swim when I can't run. I will do both if and when I have the time, because doing both would be REALLY good for me.
2. Eating WAY healthier, and only allow myself one dessert-type food a day. This cupcake bunging needs to calm down, but I have a feeling that we will only make more as the summer comes closer. I need to learn some self-control.
3. I need to start doing Wii Fit more. My parents bought it, and it hasn't really gotten much use over the past year. I think I should try and use that every morning too.
4. I need to focus on drinking the right amount of water everyday. I bought a Nalgene in the hopes that it would convince me that I need more water, because I seriously do. So I need to keep track of how much water I chug a day, and make sure that it is the right amount that I am supposed to have a day.
5. I also want to do strength workouts in the summer too. I wanna do about 1 or 2 a week. That may not sound like a lot, but its a lot more now than I am doing currently, and I really want my soccer body back haha.
6. I am gonna have to do Lent all over again. Fast food has taken over again. I still haven't had Rally's since I broke Lent, but McDonald's is getting pretty serious. I just need to cut out Fast food totally again. Maybe once every two weeks, because let's be honest, its sometimes hard to without fast food when you are a college kid with a small fund.

So that is my list for the summer. I am currently trying to work on a list to help my money issues for the summer too. I think I am gonna limit the amount of clothes I am allowed to buy, and the books I am allowed to buy. I haven't used my library card in forever, and that would help save A LOT of money, but the thing is, I think it has like a $60 fine. Another thing is, I need to stop buying food. That is SERIOUSLY taking all my money right now, and it really is a waste. I need to focus on what my family has here at home, but sometimes, it doesn't sound so appealing. So hopefully, I can just have lot's of salad stuff, and that will help my summer plan too. I also hope to pick up more hours at work, but with the economy, and Robin, that may be easier said than done.

Done.

This "poor me" shit really needs to stop. Why do I let myself get this way?
How many times have I complained about being this way, or written about it, or talked about it?
I keep saying that I am working on it, and I am...some of the time, but the rest of the time I am throwing myself a pity party and getting myself down. I guess I like to wallow in my sadness a little too much sometimes, but I really want to make sure I don't crawl back into my hole. I think I was in it for a week, and then tried getting myself back up. Every now and then, I can feel myself slipping back, but I do myself to fix that problem and make myself happier.
I think some good weather and all this hanging out with other people will make it all better.

Summer.

Tonight was how it used to be. I didn't realize how much how much I missed those long summer days until I sat on the tire swing with Bri and Fry and just discussed some random things. Oh, and talking about puking on each other. That was pleasant haha. I can't wait for the summer to come, and for us to have all the time to hang out like this again. I think we were missing someone though. We need Aramis (Carla) in there. Yeah Fry, I remembered it. Alright, alright, I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Excited.

Disconsolate.

This was another crappy weekend emotionally. I guess its because I started off the weekend feeling really crappy and it just extended over ll the craziness that ensued over the next couple days. I'm sure it didn't help that I had a little bit too much to drink on Saturday night. I really just wanted to go back into myself, and just find somewhere quiet to think. I felt like I was in a super sad version of my car-mode. It was really disturbing. I tried my best to have fun, and I did have fun, but those were little shining rays that happened to just peak out through all the clouds.

Guilty.

How is it that I feel so guilty? I feel just as bad, or maybe even more worse than I did yesterday after hanging out with him today. Why do I feel like this? I hate this. I just want things to go back to the way they were in December, when things were simple and just silly little crushes. Or even to the time before that when it felt like I was forced to hang out with him, and I didn't want any part of him. I hate feeling this guilt. This guilt because I still like him and might be making everything awkward for him. SAJDFHDSKLJSD. I need to get over this. I need to get over this well, and not crawl into my hole. I am really trying my best you guys. I feel like I am ruining everything.

Relief.

I'm really glad we had a chance to talk. It makes me feel less like a leper for the things I was feeling. I am glad that he accepts that that is just the way I am feeling now. I assured him though that I am really trying to work on changing all that, but it is hard for me. I am trying though. I know our friendship means a lot to him. I mean, it was really only supposed to be a friendship in the beginning, but than again, things happen...

Papers.

I totally just realized, thanks to Angie's blog, that I have three papers due at the end of the semester. Wow. I really need to get started on those. One of them, Philo of Religion, was started last week, and now I just have to spice up the rough draft and fix the things that my teacher wants to see on it. Next is my Anthro paper. I need to experience another type of religious something-or-other. Not too sure what I can do yet. I think the easiest thing would be to get my palm read, but I am kind of against those, but its just for a paper right? Then I have a research paper for my English class. I have to research ANYTHING. The only problem is, is that the paper has to be on something arguable. Also, my teacher is BIG into politics and the like, so its best to pick something with current events. I decided it would be safe to stay away from affirmative action and abortion and crap like that, and go with something I could steal from Bioethics from last year. So I decided to take on the argument of prison health care. This is one of two grades that I need to fix the most, simply because I decided I was better than everyone in that class, and didn't do a paper. So I NEED to do super duper well on this paper. I also need to find where I placed all that info from that class so I can just steal some of the sources.
Wow, I have a lot of work to do. Good thing I am gone for the next bagillion weekends.
Which also reminds me. I really need to buy those 30S2M, Mute Math, and Neon Tree tickets for the 17th.

Greetings.

Hello old self. What are you doing here? It's been a while, hasn't it? How long do you think you plan on staying? For a while? Hmm. Well, I guess just make yourself at home.

Aggravated.

I think I need to extend my vocabulary a bit more, because I feel like I am running out of words that truly describe how I feel for the entries. It truly is aggravating though, many aspects of my life.
I hate how my mom thinks its okay to bombard a sister about another sisters personal life. I mean, lets get real. I would know the least out of any of my sisters, because I keep to myself so much. I mean sure, I know a few things, but not enough, or not an okay thing, to say to my mother.
Another thing that bugs me: When guys clearly don't understand the boundaries I have set at hand. If you know I like someone else, leave me alone! Do not text me two times a day, then message me twice, and then call me. If you know I like someone else, do not ask me to go get a tattoo with you and then promise to take me to dinner and a movie. I won't have it! I may be acting like a bitch about all of this, but please. I need my space to get all this stuff sorted. My mind is just spinning, thinking about all the possibilities of the future. I need to work on my relationship, or lack there of, that I have right now. And, to top it all of, I told these guys this. I told them that I really and truly liked someone else, and they still didn't get the hint. Did they really think they could sweep me off my feet that easily? Did they really think that they could change my mind? Did they really think that I would change my mind about the idea I had made out for them? Wow. Just wow. Boys can be so dense!
I really could use a soccer ball right now to vent some anger.

Insane.

I don't even know anymore. My mind is just going insane. First this, than that, then more of this, and let me tell you this, and why would you do that, and why would you want that, and where is that going, and blah blah blah. I am getting so tired of all of this going on, and the sad part is, I feel like I did this to myself. Some of it I can't take credit for, but for one part of my life, I know I can, and it just sickens me. I wish I could go back to the way I was, years ago, before I let them get to the best of me.
And my day started off so good too....