State

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but I am.

Laura got into State.

Now I am waiting for my letter.

I really want to get in, and I don't know why. I am basically getting forced to go, if I get in. I mean, it just seems like a good idea, and if my parents are going to help pay for me to move out, then I might as well jump on that idea, right?

I just would feel like such a dumb ass if I don't get in.

Kristin got in, even though she didn't want to go.

Rose goes there.

And now Laura is going there.

Then there is me who went to Mott, and might have to transfer, and if I don't get in, I will feel like such a fool.

This is really stressing me out, and I need to not worry about it.

But now that I have all my crap for Mott sorted out, what else is there for me to worry about?

KSJDHFSKJHFSDKLJ

Another Hot Dave Story

So, in German class today, I was stuck spelling and answering for Turkish names and cities in front of the whole class. It was kind of embarrassing, but I got through it, mostly because Hot Dave was cheering me on. After I did a semi-okay job on the reading, Dave turned around and told me, “Good job, I felt your pain,” and he proceeded giving me a high five. After almost passing out from contact of such hotness, my teacher moved on with the lesson. She went on to say, “Dave, you seem like the sentimental type. How about you read that love poem on the bottom of page 56?” Dave the answered, “Do I have to read it in German?” She said, “No, you can read the English translation,” and then he said, ” Okay, then I dedicate this poem to Meg for doing such a good job at doing the family thing.” I ABOUT PEED MY PANTS. So he went on to read the poem, and people awwed and giggled, and it was adorable. And it was embarrassing because then I was blushing like no other.

Aaaaand that’s my lame story of the day.

Say that again...

She can apologize for herself, she is a big girl.
I will NOT accept her apology if it comes from you. That's NOT how this grace thing works.

I'm in a bad mood.

So bear with me.
1. I know I never stop talking about it, but maybe if people stop bringing up the fact that they have money pouring from their pockets, then I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that I don't have any. Yes, I am trying to get a job. My mom had the nerve to tell me the other day that getting a seasonal job wasn't good enough and I need to try harder to get a "better" job. Really mom? We live in Goddamn Flint. Tell me where the jobs are and I will gladly go and get a better one so you are happier with me. Then, Rose got pissed at me today because she is planning on going to the Grassroots festival next summer with Johnny and her State friends, and wanted me to go, but of course I have no money, and I need to move out first before I consider going on vacation to other states and such. She got mad because I always bring up how I am poor. Well Rose, maybe you need to stop inviting me to expensive shit and get over it. You have two jobs. Seriously, Shut up.
2. I'm about 85% sure that Josh and Liz are engaged. Need I say more? Its going to be pretty awkward at small group. I mean, I don't really care that much, its just weird to think that my ex is engaged. See? Doesn't that sound weird? Also, Chris wants to plan a trip to Indiana to visit Josh and see how he is doing down there. I will only go if A. I have monies by then, and B. If like a million people go. There is no way I am going if its just the Garcias and Liz. So awkward. I probably won't go anyways. I am the only one in the group who hasn't talked to Josh since he left. Even Walsh is friends with him, so yeah. Weird.
3. I was finally informed that Mott got my FASFA, so that has taken a bit of stress off of me. Now I am just hoping and praying that I get money out of it. Also, I plan on going to Mott tomorrow to bust a cap in the loan people. I really don't know what is going on there. I am about to live without it, because there is no point if my parents are going to help me, and if I am going to transfer next year.
4. I need to look for colleges. Badly. I want to go to a place where there are no annoying people. No such place? Dammit. Well, I guess I will settle for anywhere but here where I am slowly learning to turn away people and where I am turning into a hermit. I am going to find some random hick college in Tawas and work in the Walmart there. It will be a reassuring place because I know NO ONE there, and I will therefore be able to stay motivated in my studies and I can just go to the chocolate store and spend all my earnings there. It will be GREAT.... I'm just kidding, sort of. I just need to get my mind sorted out and beg my parents for money for the app fees and be on my way. I even think that if I moved out of this fucking house, and still went to college here, then I would be 20932849823x happier. We shall see. No more Mott though. I am so fucking over that place.

UGHHH.

It's getting to the point where I would rather stay home on the weekends than have to hang out with them.
I'm glad I got to hang out with Mark, Henry, and Carla this weekend. It was such a good change of pace.


I miss you guys.

Seriously Guys.

Stop asking me to visit you. I don't have money. I don't have a car. I don't have anything. Stop making me feel so fucking guilty for not seeing you. I think I got asked from 5 or 6 different people to come visit them for Halloween.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
I wish I could see you, trust me. I am lonely as fuck here at home, but there is no realistic way that can happen. So please, stop.

Jimmy Eat World.

There is so much to say about last night. It was like a dream come true. I literally thought I died and went to heaven. The whole day I repeated, "I can't believe it." The entire night, you can even ask Nicole.
Like, I have no idea where to start. I guess when I first got to Royal Oak.
We got there about 3:00, and from there we walked around and tried to keep busy and distracted, so that it would not seem like a long time to wait. We chilled at Barnes and Noble for an hour, and went to a shop to buy some waters. When it was about 4:30, we headed back to the theater to wait back in line, so we could get a good spot of course. As we were walking back, Nicole wanted to go see what was down the side street. We walked a ways, and then I saw him, Jim, the lead singer from Jimmy Eat World. My mind froze for a second, and I didn't know what to think.
"Nicole! That's Jim!!!"
"Who?"
"The lead singer of Jimmy!!!"
We walked a little faster towards the small group of people, but by the time he saw that more people were flocking his way, he turned and headed back to his bus. I thought I was going to pass out. I wish I had been two seconds faster and been able to get a picture.
From then on, we stood in line, outside the theater. We were taking some random pictures, and when it was soon time to head inside, the dude told us to put our camera in our car. Which was gay because everyone else had cameras, as long as they had the flash off. I could have had so many more pictures! UGH.
But that's besides the point.
I mean, I stood 8th in line, and then when they let all of us VIP people in, most of them went to buy shirts and sit before it was all sold out, and then headed to the concert hall. Nicole and I were smart and said, "fuck clothes," and ran inside and got front and center.

FRONT AND CENTER.
DO YOU SEE THAT UN-ZOOMED PHOTO?
I about passed out, peed my pants, had a heart attack, and cried all at the same time, but I did refrain from doing all those things, so don't you guys worry.
The rest of the concert was just fantastic. I was able to see the set-list duct taped to the floor right by Jim's mic, and so I knew all the songs that were going to play, and so that was pretty cool (I however didn't get it at the end of the show because the guys tossed it out too far). I screamed my heart out to every last song; they played all my favorite songs, and I even made it onto their website from the picture that Zach, the drummer, took to show how awesome the show was. So yes, that aspect was awesome. Also, the photographer for the website and promotional things took a fan picture with everyone, and then took a picture of just Nicole and I, picked out from the entire crowd. You may think that was a tad creeper, but he did ask us first if he could do that haha.
At one point during the set, Jim was rocking out ( I think to the song "Work") and he just shook his head, and his sweat landed on my forehead. Sure I was grossed out for .5 seconds, but then I was like, dude, that's what I get for being in the front, and its awesome! Nasty of me, I know.
I also got smashed into the bar countless times. You know, the bar that keeps people from rushing the stage, yeah, it kind of hurt, but once again, worth it.
Near the end of the show, when they started their encore, it became so rowdy, but of course, a good kind of rowdy. Never before have I seen so many crowd surfers in my life! It was epic. It was during the encore that my head smashed the bar, but no bruise, so all is well with that. At least there were body-gaurd-like-dudes that point over our heads whenever there was a surfer coming our way. I almost got lost amongst feet twice, but also, I made it back up because the two guys behind us, and Nicole both were able to pull me back up. Then Tom, the guitarist, gave everyone in the front row a slide-five. AWESOME. Then that's when Zach came out and took the picture.

(Bottom Right in the red shirt. Nicole is to the right of me, my left)

After they ended the show with my favorite song of all time, "Sweetness", we mulled around for a bit, hoping to obtain some guitar picks or drumsticks, but that didn't end up happening. So we left the stage area, and went out to the entrance area to see what there was left of merchandise. As we walked out there, we saw that the hot drummer from We Were Promised Jetpacks was signing stuff and selling CDs. Nicole and I immediately ran to him and got our picture taken and he signed our tickets. Boy, he was adorable! He was that nerdy kind of cute, and just awwwwws. And also, his Scottish accent was to die for. Seriously. After all that chaos with Darren, we went and stood in the other line to buy something. We figured we would just buy something for the heck of it, even if it didn't fit, or it was random. We were about last in line, and when we got up there, all there was left was crappy stuff in size large. But luckily for me, the last hoodie hanging up was a guys size medium, and the guy took it down right from the display and sold it to me. Come to find out, the sweatshirt fit perfectly fine.

Then, on the car ride home, I got a Twitter update saying that Zach had uploaded the picture from the end of the show. So once we got back to Nicole's house, we were able to relive the experience for two more hours, which is what we did.
It seriously was the best experience of my life you guys.
I'm afraid to go to any other concerts after this because now they will all be super mediocre to this one. Hmm. As long as I keep going to Jimmy ones though ;).
Just kidding, I will try and expand my experiences.

Whoa, I Made A Blog.

I have nothing much to say, unless you want to hear the same old complaints that I seem to present every time I blog. I guess I do have a few things I could add to my list.
You might all think this was adorable, but it was quite awkward on my part. So there is this guy in my German class. Since the first day, I always thought he was alright looking, but he kind of dressed like a Bro, so I was kind of turned away. But as the class has been going, he has shown that he may wear the clothes, but not act like one at all. He is nice, and kind of sarcastic, and has great shoes haha. Well, Bri told me to talk to him, and so I had my chance at the end of class and totally screwed it up. We walked out of class at the same time, and headed in the same direction as we made our way to the exits. He said, "Its been real." And laughed, and all I could do was laugh back. I had about 3 minutes to come up with something to say, and I did nothing. I was completely mortified that all my genius kill-the-awkward-moment ideas didn't come to me until we had parted ways at the exit. I could have commented on the way he subtly told the obnoxious kid to shut up, or tell him that I took French like he did, and I said nothing. What an idiot. I suck at this game now. Sheesh, what an embarrassment.
Hmm, what else is there to say.
OH YEAH.
JIMMY EAT WORLD IN THREE DAYS.
That is about the only thing getting me through this week right now. And this week is starting to feel like a century. It sucks because I missed Glee tonight for my sister's game, I have to wait at Mott tomorrow for the financial aid people and give them a piece of my mind, I am doing nursery tomorrow instead of next week, I think I have a test on Thursday, and I have a paper due Friday. I am a little concerned because I bought our tickets as VIP tickets, but nowhere on the ticket does it actually say that. So I need to find the paper work on my dad's computer and see what the deal is. I mean, its not like Nicole and I won't be sitting out there for ages, but it would be nice to get the chance to see them up close and personal. I mean, I would probably cry if that would happen haha.

Pumped Up Kicks.

So, I know it has been a while. The thing is, I am busy, but I'm not. Its mostly just me going to school everyday, then remembering I have something to do. That something either being homework, a TV show that Laura and I watch religiously, or somewhere to go for my parents, or for Laura. There are four places that I go: Mott, CA, Garcia's, or SP. The end. I know, my life is so exciting, but its all the gas I have, and I feel so bad driving around everywhere using my parents gas money, so I try to limit it to places I HAVE to go, or places where Laura and I can go together.
School has been going well, but its just been a lot of writing all across the board. Which, I mean, is normal, but just tedious. That's probably why I don't really blog too much, because I have to write about crap everyday as part of my CNF class, so I run out of creative stories from my life, so I just talk about junk that I would on here. But I am going to try my best to start writing to you guys again on here more often. Although, my life is kind of at a slump, but I am positive stuff will pick up once the holidays come around and I get a job.
Boy, do I need one of those. Badly.
I do have an interesting thing to tell you guys haha.
I hung out with Cam last week. It wasn't so bad. It was awkward at first, mostly because I was at his house, alone, but then when he popped in Saving Private Ryan, we watched that, and just talked about random crap. Mostly it was him doing the talking, venting to me about Chey, and just updating me on all things good and bad with them. He even asked for my advice. I was floored. He just had a lot of crap going on with her, and they hadn't been talking for days, and he thought it was his fault blah blah blah. In my head I was saying, "Wait a second, this sounds oddly familiar. OH THAT'S RIGHT. You are in MY position from when I was dating YOU. Mhmm." But I'm not an asshole and I could tell he was really suffering, so I just let him talk it out. Basically all I could say was be careful, or just make sure you are doing what makes you happy. It was all I really could think of to say. I mean, what do you say to someone who is uncomfortable with his girlfriend having slept with 12 other dudes than you in their past? No idea. Never been there. Hope to God I never will be. The only thing that made it awkward that whole night was that Cam tried to make a move on me, but I shoved him away and sent him to the other couch. Not happening dude. Just not happening.
I am wondering if this means that we will hang out again. Maybe so, but I request that it will be in public to avoid awkwardness. Also, I have this feeling, well I actually know that Chey has no idea that we hung out, so probably not unless they are fighting again, but whatever, I'm not too concerned with that right now.
Thank God for this upcoming weekend and a little change of pace.

Possibly, Maybe.

Yes, no, maybe so, I don't know.
Time.

Ich heisβe Meg.

Well, I must say, it has been one hell of an interesting first week of school.
I started out the week with Sociology and German. Sociology was spent peeing my pants laughing so hard. My teacher is ridiculous. I don't know how many awkward or inappropriate things that woman said, but whoa, it was crazy. I sit next to a nice girl named Naomi, and we talk sometimes, especially when we have no idea what is going on in class anymore.
German kind of went much the same way. I sat next to a scene-ish girl named Alyx (Yes, that's how she wanted it spelled) and she was really nice. We talked a bit, and both kinda got weirded out by this kid who would not shut up, and we had to do all our practice talking thingies with each other. So that was great.
Umm.
The next day I had math, and that was the most boring thing of my life. Of course. These two girls would not shut up the whole time about their trashy boyfriends. I got to class like three minutes before class started, and I guess that's what I get. I should have noticed that no one was sitting in their vicinity and that they were all avoiding eye contact. I had to do my best to ignore them. They were horribly loud whisperers, and my teacher didn't say anything. Oh well. New seat next time. The same day, I had to take Laura to a doctors appointment, and almost got hit by a high schooler because she sucked so bad at driving. Ugh high schoolers.
Then I had creative writing on Friday. Finally, a challenging class haha. Okay, that was kind of mean, but its true. I have to have a giant binder like Hillis and keep writing junk in it and she will grade it half way through the semester and at the end of the semester. I have to have a journal everyday, and I have at least three reading responses a week. The only thing is, this is a creative non-fiction class (CNF), and I find that odd. I am kind of excited about that though because I seem to lack skill in that area I think. Also, as a test, because Bri told me to be careful when I wear my Mario shirt in public, I wore that very shirt to class on Friday. Oh man. I sat down, and every direction I looked, one nerdy guy after another took a seat around me. Seriously, 360. Finally, the one guy to my left had the courage to asked me if I actually like Nintendo, and we had to talk about that. Of course, all the other dudes were interested, so they listened in. About 5 minutes into the convo, I silently backed out, and they continued talking about Segas and Genesis, both of which I know nothing about. So, from then on, whenever there was time to talk in that class, or when there was break, video games came up. Ugh. What have I done?
That night (last night), I chaperoned the St. Paul Confirmation Youth Lock-In. The group consisted of 7th and 8th graders, and there were probably about 20 kids. Then, there were 6 "adults". It was Chris Garcia, Liz Schlieger (Josh's gf)), Kathleen Fink (one of the funniest people ever), Andrew Brazeal (he plays Ultimate with us on Sundays), Chris Walsh (the new kid), and of course, me. I mostly hung out with Andrew and Walsh when they got there, mostly because Liz and Kathleen sat around and were in charge of kids who wanted to be chill and stay in certain areas, or because they didn't do sports. Then of course Garcia was running around getting stuff ready for after certain events, seeing as he was the youth leader. It had been a super long time since I hung out with Andrew, and that was really fun. He and I were in charge of dispensing of a live mouse. UGH. I also got to learn a bit about Walsh. That is one goofy kid. I mean, besides saying goofy things, this kid is 6 ft 8. Yeah, GINORMOUS. And hanging out with Andrew and Walsh was kind of intimidating, because Andrew is half a foot taller than me, and then Walsh is a foot and an inch taller then me. Holy Bob.
Well, that's all I got for now. Maybe another update sooner rather than later, because these are getting lengthy due to the lack of motivation for writing these out.

Well, well, well.

My somewhat, not so consistent paycheck has now come to an end as of Friday. So now I have a lot more time on my hands, and a whole lot less money than I did before. Make that about two hours total per day of extra free time, because that is about how much time my work wasted in the way of getting to do whatever the heck I wanted. Those two hours that were stolen from me were putting cookies in the oven and on a display tray, and getting ready for work. Yeah, not too bad. That's still two more hours that I don't know what to do with. I am now officially bored out of my mind with you guys gone. Okay, I admit that I did spend 53 bucks at Border's to buy myself some books as some form of entertainment, but you can only keep your nose glued to a book for so long. The other thing I have been doing is playing a lame computer game, which I am secretly obsessed with (which is now no secret at all), that Rose and Laura found when cleaning out Rose's room. The game is from when I was in the 6th grade. So it is a game that is an extension of my nerdiness from back in the day, since it is me acting as a ruler to a new blooming Greek city back in the days of Zeus. How awesome haha. To add to my awesomeness *coughcough* lameness, all I do is watch cartoons, minus True Blood. I have been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, Sailor Moon, and the same four episodes of Adventure Time over and over again on OnDemand. I still need to watch A Very Potter Sequel, but I did watch Part 1 just to get the plot. Those first 6 minutes, or however long Part 1 was, made me pee my pants with laughter. So I am super excited to watch that.
I know I could be spending my time more wisely...like job searching, but bleh. That just sucks. Plus, my mom doesn't seem to be too much on my case about it at the moment. I think its because she realizes how freaking bored I am, and she is glad to have me home all the time now. Its kind of weird.
Another thing that I have been trying to do more frequently is working out, whether it be running laps in my backyard, or going for a walk at Genesys. I am not seeing too many results, but I guess this will help me to learn some patience too.
I guess I do have some stuff to do tomorrow. I have to grab my books from Mott and do some job apps. While I am out and about, I am going to go shopping, alone of course, and whatever I don't spend, I am gonna deposit in the bank. I really need to get better about that. Although, I guess I would need to job in order to worry about depositing money. Bleh, I really need to work on that. Time to get motivated.

It's Been A While.

Yeah, I know I know, my updating skills are far from great, but at least I found the motivation to actually jot something down for you guys to kill boredom with.
Although, I have to admit that I got a sudden wave of motivation once I got home from Marquette. When I got home, ate dinner, and my family all left the house for some reason or another, I decided to run some laps around the yard. I ran a total of ten, and then jumped in the pool to cool off, and managed to do some crunches. I did the same today too. Weird.
Too bad that motivation doesn't extend itself into me getting another job. I could really use it. Maybe that is what I will do this week when I don't work.
I am going to bug Robin every Sunday to give me hours, just until I get a new job that is. I really need the money, and I wanna work as much as I can before she actually closes the shop. You should see the place. She has cleaned the crap outta that place. There is nothing left! No ice machine, no giant freezer, only two kinds of pops left in the machine, no huge shelves holding a bunch of random crap, no computer, and the list goes on. Its crazy, and really freaks me out because that means I am about to be basically dumped on the street. Sweet.
Oh well. I guess I have a lot going on in the next couple weeks. I am taking Mark, Henry, and Matt to State with Rosie, and that should be fun. Not too sure yet why they want to go, and what this has to do with us, but whatever haha. Umm, I am moving Carla (As long as I don't have to work, my mom said we could use the truck), I need to get school stuff sorted, I have job apps to kill, and some school shopping to get done. Other than that, my life will be pretty pathetic.
This "loneliness" that I have now that all you guys are leaving, I am using to motivate myself to do other things. I think that is why I have started running: so that I am not just moping around on my ass and doing nothing with my life.
I had fun this past week though. Sometimes things got a little tense, but it was definitely worth the long car ride to go up there. It was really pretty up there, and the city was really nice....and safe haha, but don't get your hopes up. I don't think I want to go to school there. So keep your cheers for Northern to yourself you guys.

Entertainment.

You guys would be glad to know that I have managed to overwhelm myself with projects to do while you guys are away at school.
Besides schoolwork, I have a job, and I am going to get another. Its kind of a bummer that I am not going to coach, because I really liked it, but I really need to earn some money, and that is kind of a priority right now. I need enough money to move out, to get a car, and to pay for my phone in the future. Not to mention, I still want to have the security of at least 500 in my bank account, and so that needs building up now that Mott has rid me of every last dime in that thing.
I have a bunch of letter thingies that people want me to make. Speaking of which, Carla, yours in production right now, and I will probably start putting the circles on the "C" this weekend. It will be a nice little addition to your room haha. Not too sure about matching, but whatever. I kind of bought that paper when you were still leaning towards a yellow and brown colored room. Unless that hasn't changed, then it will be perfect haha.
I also decided I may need to start scrapbooking. I know, I know, call me an old lady, but I have all this expensive paper laying around and all these great pictures that need a home besides being stacked in a box inside my closet.
Umm what else was I going to do...
Oh yeah! I have a TV in my room now, so I need to find a good place for that, and a DVD player. Oh, and I wanna save up for an HDMI cord. Maybe I should check if that will even work in this ancient TV. I'm gonna say no, but it will in the other TV downstairs. Muahaha.
I've also loaded up on the TV shows I need to see. I want to finish watching Gossip Girls and The Tudors, but I have also been watching Sailor Moon like an obsessed weirdo, and I have to finish that as well. Plus, I have been told a million times to watch Community, and I may do that as well. So that should be good. Not to mention Glee comes back on. Sheesh!
I also bought some notebooks for me to write in. I think I am finally going to get some motivation and start freaking writing down all my ideas that I have and make something out of them. Granted, they are more than likely sucky ideas, but ideas nonetheless that can get me started on better ideas. You know, one thing leads to another!
I also have a HUGE list of books I need to get through. So that should help when I get bored of one thing.
I will try to do better in school and not let my hobbies take over, but no promises....haha. I'm just trying to be a little optimistic about this whole ordeal. I'm also going to be obsessed even more now with Facebook when you guys leave so I can stalk you. So keep blogging and updating. Yes Bri, you have to have a Facebook too. Or else.

Long Time No Write.

I am soooooooo geeked for this album.
So it has been FOREVER since I have said anything on this thing; about three weeks or so.
Let's see.
I went to Ludington, I had to babysit a bit, worked a couple days, had my birthday, had a bonfire, and went canoeing in Oscoda yesterday. That's all the big news.
My birthday was great. Some people got in touch with me that day that I hadn't spoken to in AGES, so that was nice. It was a super chill day; saw Despicable Me (AMAZING) and had an awesome dinner, and then watched Shutter Island with the family.
Umm, what else?
Oh, I went to Mott today too. Thank goodness I got all that paper work now, because its going to take about five weeks for it to get approved and junk and to finally see my loans and financial aid. I get financial aid this year, so that's new.
This whole concept of school makes me depressed. I am the only one going to be left here in Flint. Yeah, yeah, its my own fault, but still, it sucks. I plan on visiting a lot, I hope. I know that the first couple weeks of school are going to suck majorly. My three best friends are leaving. Carla won't be too far, so that's cool. Fry and Bri on the other hand....you guys better be home a lot. I will find stuff to do though. My book list has gotten pretty long, I have to coach volleyball in the fall, and I wanna take up a yoga class for the winter. Oh, and I probably should find another job for after coaching. I guess I am gonna stay at Mrs. Field's for the time being, just to get gas money for the fall, even though we all know my dad is more than willing to pitch in. So this might work out. I still will be bored out of my mind, missing you guys like crazy, of course.
I should probably stop thinking about that right now because it really is making me depressed.

Update.

So, I suck at remembering to blog. My bad.
A lot has happened in the past week. So much stuff that I can't keep my days straight. This past weekend was awesome, and well-spent in Ludington. One day we shopped, another was tubing, and another was spent eight hours under the sun on Summit Park. Love love love how this past weekend was spent. I was so glad to get away and just relaaaaaax. Although, this means no more vacationing for me because I am now officially dirt poor, and plan on saving money for a sweet-ass phone, or a bunch of awesomeness for the fall. Who knows.
Then on Monday, I got some nasty news about my boss. She's an idiot and wrote me a check from a closed account. Its all done and over with now, as of yesterday, but it was still a hassle. Oh well, that's just another life lesson for me.
This also means that I need to find another job. I am still working with Robin, but I really don't want another mix-up again, so hopefully I can find a replacement. As of right now, there is about a 35% chance that I might be a sort of nanny for these two boys that I am babysitting this week when the school year comes around for them. The Weichels are the cutest things in the whole world, and their mom is awesome, so maybe I can take care of them after coaching, which would be perfect because then I could take them home, make them dinner, and just wait until their mom gets there. She pays well too, not that I need to be paid much because I basically do nothing but cook for them and watch them while they are outside, but whatever, no complaints haha.
Speaking of motivation for a job...what happened to all my motivation from the Spring? Bleh. I need to get back with it. I'm remembering the little crap, but not working out and eating healthy. Bleh.
Ew, also, my mom has been pressuring me to meet boys. Never let your mom get involved in that. Or, at least not my mom. I swear she was a Jewish matchmaker in a past life. She keeps bugging Rosie for guys she knows, and asking me if I have met people. Mom. Where the hell am I going to meet people if I am sitting on my ass at home or work? Get over it. It was especially bad when Rose showed me a kid named Kevin in her summer Physics class that I said was good-looking. My mom went insane and was bombarding Rose with info, and how I should just talk to him and blah blah blah.
I need to get out of this house. Too bad I don't think I ever will leave this city. Its something I have come to accept though.
Speaking of leaving...Ludington pictures Bri?

Galactic.

That's for you Bri.
And Laura if she had a blog haha.

I think my days working in a sweltering hot cookie shop are coming to an end. I hardly work anymore, but I have been called in twice to work already this week, so that might be a good sign too. I really need the cash.
I have also sworn off vacationing after the 4th. Ludington is going to rob me clean. I did buy a backpack that I didn't need though, but I just couldn't resist! Stupid Adidas and their awesomeness.
Speaking of the lack of money, I have two movie premiers in a row: Eclipse tonight, and The Last Airbender tomorrow night. Call me lame, but I am WAAAY too excited for Avatar. WHOO! Laura and I got our tickets and we are going to see it with Henry, so that will be awesome.
Also, some relief has finally come in the way of boy drama. Josh has moved! No more awkwardness and weird conversations and having to see them together. Bleh. Its over with. He packed all his shit on Monday and he has to peace out of that apartment and office tomorrow. Phew. I'm finally glad to be getting the space I need from all that nonsense. I'm also glad that our goodbye was public and short and just a hug and no lame talking about how glad we were to meet each other. I probably would have puked on him if that was the case.
Umm, what else is there to say?
OH YEAH.
I have been having psycho dreams again! One that I can remember vividly was about two nights ago. It was about two magician apprentices that were working with this really old master thing in this super old house. One of the boys was younger than the other, it looked about three years or so. The younger one was super jealous of the older one because he thought that the older one was better and that he would be the best. So one day when the master and older apprentice were out on a mission, the little one decided to kill himself. He got out a bottle of wine from a cupboard, opened it, and started chugging it. Then, in between giant gulps of wine, he smashed the bottle in his hand into bits and started eating the glass! Soon he was eating so much glass that I couldn't tell what the difference was between the wine and blood, and then he died, I'm assuming from loss of blood. It was so sick and vivid. I don't know what's wrong with my head.
Apart from my morbid subconscious, everything has been fine. I also got my classes for the fall and I have class everyday, all ending before 2, so that's bittersweet. My mom got mad that I planned my classes around coaching, a volunteer thing, and not for a job, something I get paid for. She thinks my prioritizing sucks, but honestly, I put coaching first because I love it so much more. I mean, Robin will understand, and I will just switch my hours to Saturday. Plus. I can figure something out with a new job, if one ever shows up. I can just work on Sundays and Saturdays and see what happens. I guess I can get that all figured out if I get a call from the places I've applied.
This should be interesting.

Grr.

I seriously need a new job. That dumb bitch won't give me my paycheck! I know she doesn't have the money, but she should have thought that through before she hired another girl!!!
Sorry, no need to vent, but I seem to lack things to discuss.
This week is all about the applications. Applications for a new job, and applications for loans. I really need to get that out of the way and not wait last minute to get my money like I did last year. Plus, I need to decide a major.
Bleh, I feel like this is deja vu, writing about the same crap all the time.
Things with Chey, Cam, and I cooled down. Cam said something to Chey (I want to know what!) that got her to text me and believe me that I just want to be friends. Although, I get the feeling that Cam may still be a little mad at me, simply because I defended myself against her, and I had no right to. Blah blah blah, or well. Drama is over in one area of my life.
Sorry, I don't think this entry is very entertaining to those of you across the pond.

Pretending.

Its only been two days, and I am already tired of pretending that this isn't bothering me.

Oi.

I don't even know what to say.

I'm just going to ignore you, and when he talks to me again, if it gets brought up, I will say something. Other than that, it never happened, and I never read it.

This Day.

Is over. Thank God.
I thought this day was going to be great, and it was, don't get me wrong. The open house was fun, the thing at church was fun, game night was fun, and the bonfire was fun. I just can't get passed two things that make me really sad.
1. I saw Cam's mom today. Yeah, stupid that I would be sad about that. I knew how much I missed his family, and being around them all the time, but not until his mom told me she was talking about me the other day, and hoping that she would see me at Fry's open house did I really grasp how much they all meant to me. Then she had to go and say she wanted a hug, and I thought I was going to lose it. That moment just made me really regret saying "I can't" with Cam. I know, you guys all hate me now for saying it, but that's just how it felt. I wish I would've had the chance to talk to her more, and ask her how everyone has been. I miss them all so much, and it sucks. I guess its the price I pay for making the choice that I made. Its just kind of sucked lately because I have only had a million people ask me about Cameron lately for no reason at all. Its just been people letting me know he works at Walmart, which I obviously already knew, and people telling me that he might be at the open house, and I don't really care. I mean, I do care because I really miss him as a friend and have been wondering how things have been going for all of them lately, but I don't hate him, and I really wish certain people would realize that. He was important to me, and was a big part of my life, and I really wish that some people would understand that and realize it. Bleh, this is all weird and it was a really bittersweet thing seeing her today. It still makes me want to cry thinking about it.
2. The fact that Fry, yes you, are really serious about leaving permanently. I mean, you are free to do as you please, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Let's be honest, I may cry just as hard, or even harder than when Jana left, for you. I've known you for a good long while, and I can't believe that you are considering living across the OCEAN for good. It's really sad, and I'm going to miss you, really, I am. You better blog every other day while you are over there for those 5 weeks and keep us posted on what is happening with the whole living situation, or else I will hunt you down haha.

The Cave.

I have been listening to Mumford & Sons since the second we got back. Not too sure why either. But look at the sparkly water! I want to go back. Hmph.

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Wow.

I just read January and February's entries on here from a year ago, and holy shit...what the fuck was I thinking?
I mean, I knew I was stupid, and I could see it every now and then, and yet I ignored it.
Not that I regret any of it, because what is the use in that?
Still though...wow.
I was so ignorant and naive. I really hope and pray that I am beyond that.
I know I still complain about all my boy issues and shit like that, but I would really like to hope that I am better than all that now, or at least a bit more mature about it.

Umm.

Well...
Hm...
I don't know what to say. You guys have all done the same crap as I have, simply because I have only hung out with you guys.
What to say...
I am reading Harry Potter 7 again! I always forget how brilliantly she writes. You make think its lame and childish, but I applaud her for the skill in making everything intertwine. I really envy her in her thinking.
I think most of my motivation has disappeared. I was really good for two weeks, and now I am back to being super lazy again. I just don't feel like running, not in this heat anyways. Maybe, I will do a couple of laps in the freezing pool tomorrow. Who knows.
All I feel like doing is playing Brawl. Could I get anymore lame?
At least the motivation to become a better cook is still in motion. Still working on saving money though...
By the way, that is a picture of a star eating a planet that was orbiting it. Thanks to the Hubel for that. Thought you guys would like it? Haha no idea. I thought it was cool...

Kskjdfhdslkjhf.

I can't take this anymore. Its eating at my like no other, and I can't hardly begin to understand why. There are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling, and all of the things I do not want to feel. I'm at my wit's end.

Rainy Day.

I realized last night, that a lot of people don't actually know what happened between Josh and I. Angel and Hannah have both been out of the loop, and had to tell them everything. Updating them fully was a bad idea because it got me angry-feeling the rest of the night. I know I am a little too bitter for the situation, because its not as bad as other situations I have been in, but it still sucks, and he just goes on acting like nothing has happened. So, last night I told Angel and Hannah in my truck, parked outside Josh's apartment, after well all got back from a birthday dinner for a couple of the people in the group. We probably sat out in that car for a good 25 minutes, and then I checked my mirrors, and saw that Josh was coming over. We all freaked out and made up quick lies about what we were talking about. Apparently I was the only brave enough one to speak when he asked if we had car troubles or not, and I replied "No, we were just catching up on our first year and our first time partying, that's all Josh." After he walked away a little confused, we broke down laughing, and Hannah got out of her car and I drove Angel home.
On that drive home, I realized one thing: Josh is the only new friend that I made my first year of college. How suckish is that? Someone who claimed to cherish my friendship so much and then betrays it. I hope this summer will really help me to turn things around and that I will have more of a successful sophomore year of college.

Alice.

Sometimes I just feel so lost, lonely, and confused.

I have to tell myself that they are just dreams. Not dreams of bigger and better things, but dreams that take place at night while I sleep and mean nothing, and are merely silly things that just happen to surface when I leave my mind to control itself; these are just things that my subconscious is attacking me with. They are just like any other dreams that I have: crazy whirlwind rides and make-believe characters, with things that could never be possible, but the feelings and sensations are still there. These dreams leave a sort of feeling after I wake up. Even if the dream took me to a place I could never go, and made me do things I could never do, and made me see things that couldn't possibly be, they tell me a story, and they have a moral to the story. I don't want to feel regret. I don't want to crave that feeling. I don't want this happening to me now. I have been trying so hard not to crawl back into my little hole, and I think I have been doing pretty good with it. Why now? I have to wake up and reassure myself that it was just a dream, and that it was simply silly. Yet, it was my mind that was dreaming it up, obviously telling me that I have something going on there when I am not realizing it. And the weird thing is, I am having a harder time remembering my dreams in their entirety. Before, I could remember every single aspect of what was going on and who was there, and I could tell you how colorful the dreams were and the lighting in the dreams. Now, however, I can only remember bits and pieces, and these bits and pieces are the parts that torment me.

I hate this.

Productive.

I found my Harry Potter shirts.
Oh, and all my summer shorts.

Today has been one of the most productive days EVER, so I feel super good about it. I managed to do some Wii Fit, run stairs for about 10 minutes (which was indeed very hard because I did it at a sprint), all three weeks worth of laundry, clean and vacuum my room (in extension I found Fry's keys haha), watch two episodes of The Tudors, cleaned the inside of my car, I went for a mile or so walk with Kristin and Laura, and I managed to get my tan on. Very good day indeed.
Tomorrow I just plan on being super lazy until work, and then come home from work and be lazy again.
I am totally digging this summer thing. I don't even care that I don't have money to go anywhere for vacation. I can totally get used to being super motivated all the time.
Now I just need to keep my motivation all the way until I start school again. Hmph.

Babbling.

As I sat and watched the little eighth graders get confirmed (became members and had their first communion) at St. Paul yesterday, I realized something. I realized that I do really want to help at SP still. I still want to coach those girls in volleyball, and make the youth group stronger. I want to chaperone them to Michigan's Adventure in the next month or so, and I want to recruit them to events like Battlecry and National Youth Gathering. I remember a lot of those kids being born. I remember having to watch them in my mom's classroom after school sometimes. I feel attached to these kids, like a nanny.
I don't know what all this means, but its just been super weird for me lately.
Chris asked me again if I was going to be on the youth board. I told him I was thinking about it. CUAA is looking WAY out of the picture right now, and GVSU just doesn't feel right anymore; I don't feel excited anymore about the idea of going away. I guess I am just a homebody. And just because I am possibly staying home, doesn't mean I am going to amount to nothing. I can still do things that are worthwhile and important to me. I don't need big cities, scholarships, mountains, Jeeps, major universities, boyfriends, or anything of those sorts to make me into something awesome. I can stay here and go to Mott or U of M Flint and just do what I do best. I can stay here and coach volleyball, sell cookies, take up psychology or writing, and help run a youth group. That doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I won't get some of the awesome experiences, but I will still get to do the things I like the most, and I think that is more important to me.
Other than that...
This whole being around Josh is getting better. It was only awkward at small group today until the other people showed up. I think Chris and Liz notice that things may feel a little weird to me, but I try to think nothing of it. We had three new people join today, and they are pretty cool. They are Dallas (23), Max (21), and Amy (18). They were all super outgoing and pretty cool people. They all were homeschooled, and even have a younger sister who is fourteen. Dallas and Max never went to college. Dallas is a mechanic out in Millington, and Max works for Bronner's seasonally. He is currently laid off until June, and will work until December. Weird season, I know. Amy is still a high schooler, and I don't know her plans for college, because Dallas started talking to me, but I know she wants to start coming to game nights, and she was super glad to find out that we were both the same age. I said I have been the youngest the whole time and so I was glad too. Then Liz jumped in and said that we don't treat you like the youngest, that would be Josh. I had to laugh at this, simply because Josh wasn't listening. Haha sucka.
Okay, anyways, that was a tad randomness about people you guys don't care about haha. Just thought I would update, simply because new people in SP stuff doesn't happen so often, at least not in this age group.

Motivation.

So today begins it all. This is the day I start making myself a better me: working out, eating healthier, becoming well-read, saving money, and doing many other things that will definitely help me in some area of my life. I consider this the first day of summer for me, and I had all week to eat the worst food possible and be completely lazy.
I just hope I can keep the motivation to do this.

School.

This is how I feel about it right now.
Only one more day.

Amazing.

What an understatement.

Wow.

I'm glad you think I'm going to do nothing with my life, Mom. So now only the daughter who knows that she will earn the most money is allowed to go to elite schools and four-year universities? I'm glad you think I am just going to be a bum. Its good to know that you think I'm only going to Concordia because Josh went there; that was a low blow when Rose told me. Its also good to know that I will just be wasting my time at GVSU, and I should just stay here because its cheaper and I will be able to afford it, and all the classes are the same. Thanks, Mom, it means a lot.

Needtobreathe.

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders.

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders.

Doubts.

I feel very uneasy about all the school stuff still. I feel so sure about CUAA for one second, and then I start to freak out because I don't have the money, or what if I don't want to go into a churchwork branch? Then I think of what would be better about GVSU, and I think about what I would take there. I mean, I could still take psychology, but is that what I really want to do? I don't know what to do. How can someone be so indecisive? I guess I can't make any decisions until I take the tours. I will go to CUAA this Wednesday and see how I think of it, even though I have visited that campus numerous times. I just feel weird at the thought of me working in a church. Don't you guys? I mean, I don't know. This all doesn't make sense. I am so confused right now. I look at both sites and try to figure out what is going on. No matter where I go, I will have friends to be with, but I am really just worried about what I will be studying.
This is all stressing me out way more than my exams and papers.

Choices.

Church Work or Social Services or Child Life Specialist Concentration
Those are the three major branches under Family-Life Ministry
Those are also only my Concordia options, I need to look at GVSU too.

Closure.

Finally, some peace of mind.

Desultory.

I'm in for the final stretch. I cannot WAIT until summer hits, and being in college means that it will hit sooner than ever!
That really does make me happy.
I just really need to crack down on these papers. I have no freaking idea what I am gonna do about this Anthro paper. I only have a week to experience a new religious/supernatural belief. And no, I refuse to do anything that has to do with palm reading, or tarot cards, or Ouija boards. That stuff freaks me out, and I was raised to stay away from it, and that is okay with me.
Yesterday, I made a list of things, or rather, I started a list of things that I could do to better myself over the summer. The list mostly has to do with health and money, but I think that is a start. I have to be honest, I think vacations and road trips will be minimal for me this summer. Especially since I need to look into colleges and save my money. One of my rules is that I am only allowed to take out 30 bucks from each paycheck, and 20 of it has to go to gas, and the other 10 is for spending. I really need to save my money guys, its just the way it is.
In the past couple days, and after I wrote my last entry, I have done a lot of praying and talking to Chris and Josh about CUAA, and I think that is looking more and more like a possibility each day. I really need some time to look at the program online or something. I do have a chance to go and visit CUAA with Rachel, Chris, and Andrew, so I may take them up on that. I just have to ask Robin not to schedule me that day. That should be interesting.

Calling.

So today was Josh's big presentation. It really gave some insight on how much the church is losing its youth, and how we can help get those kids back. Having him as a friend though, I already knew a lot that information, I just didn't have the numbers that went along with it. Shocking numbers, St. Paul is such a good example for this because from freshmen to seniors in high school, we have had 80 become confirmed members of the church, and only 15 of them show up on a regular basis and actual DO something in the church, whether it be bible studies or game nights, or even big events like out-reach programs. It truly is a depressing thing, and I see it all the time being a part of SP and this generation. I really want to do something to help.
Which brings me to my next point.
As I grew up in SP, school and church, I have heard a lot about "God's calling" for people in their professions. Chris was really good at cars and whatever, but he thought God was calling him to do something else. My mom wanted to be a nurse, but she thought God was calling her to be a teacher and work with kids at a Lutheran school. My pastor worked in the Marines, and he got God's calling to become a reverend. I think that I might be getting my calling.
As I have spent the last sixths months getting closer to Josh and Chris as friends, I feel like I have really wanted to help them in the aid for getting more youth. I mean, look at all the things I took up at SP! I have done volleyball, lock-ins, SNL (Sunday Night Live, aka, game night), small groups, and the list goes on. What if I am supposed to continue my work towards the youth? I am not saying I want to be a deaconess, because those kind of creep my out and are part of a different Lutheran denomination. Its just that, I feel very strongly for the youth at SP, and I think they could use A LOT more help, and I think I might be able to lighten that load.
After Josh did his presentation, I made my way out of the church because I had to go help in the nursery for the voters meeting. I stopped out in the narthex, because I wasn't exactly sure on what I needed to do. As I stood out there, Josh, his family, pastor, and Mr. Froidenberg (no idea how to spell that man's name) made their way out too. My dad, before the service, had an interview with Mr.Froidenberg for Josh's sake, as part of Josh's final project. Anyways, Mr.Froidenberg was informed that I was at Mott, and didn't really have any direction towards a major, and that I was really involved in the youth at my church (Thanks Dad). So, as I stood out there waiting for directions from Liz, Froidenberg bee-lined for me. I was so glad to be forewarned that this might happen, but that didn't stop me from freaking out on the inside. I was talking to the head-honcho and a very important man in the Lutheran world. He basically started this Family-Life Program in the Lutheran Synod. As I calmed myself down, I was able to consider what he was saying. He was very excited that I did consider Concordia at one time, and he would really like to seem me in that branch of work. There are also many different branches in that field, like working with families who have ill children in the hospital and need support, or families that have adopted kids and getting them included. The list goes on. He seemed very interested that I was still so involved in my church, and I was really willing to hep Chris and Josh with all of their stuff. He told me to talk to them both about it, and see what I think. My dad told me I could expect him to call too. So that should be interesting.
As I walked away from Froidenberg, Josh's parents saw that I was talking to him, and they were very excited too. They think I would be great at doing what Josh does, and they think I should consider Concordia too. It was a very awkward moment for me, because I didn't know Josh's family as well, but they were thoroughly excited for me and the fact that this was something I might want to do with the rest of my life.
So far I have been thinking how rewarding this kind of job would be. I would be responsible for all these kids and their faith-lives. I would be able to bring those lost closer to God, and be able to show them that this is truly something to be proud of, your faith. I would get to work with them, and not have to teach them haha. I could still coach, I could have another job, I could make this as a career, I could work with families, I could help friends, I could help those who want to see their kid in more involved in things. I think these things are all very exciting in their own way. So who knows, you guys might see my living in Ann Arbor in a year or less. I also considered my messy, and not so clean past. I would feel so guilty leading kids to be better than me, if I could not originally treat myself the way I was supposed to. Then I look at Josh (don't take that the wrong way), but he has a past similar to mine, and he takes it as a sort of testimony as to what made him stronger in his faith, and decision to continue on this road through ministry. I don't know, its just something else to consider, and something else that might need some deeper thought.
This, and other options, are all great things to consider, and will definitely need to be prayed about.

Rambling.

Today has been one of the most laziest days ever. I have literally sat at the dining room table for about 6 hours today. I set up camp here this morning when I wanted to work on my paper, and got all the research done, the works cited done, and two pages. I think that is a very good progress since the paper isn't due until Thursday. The only thing is that I need to have a PowerPoint for the project too, but I signed up to present on the last day of class, that way I have to to get underway on my Anthro paper/project, and to ensure that I attend English class everyday so I don't lose points.
The rest of my day has consisted of my eating horribly (the little of that I have ate), baking cookies, and researching the list of movies for an Oscar-Winning Marathon with Bri (and anyone else who wants to join) for the summer.
I really need to focus on eating better, and working out more. For the sake of the summer coming, and in the long-run, the fact that diabetes runs in my family. I have a list of things I plan on doing everyday for this summer:
1. Run if I can't swim, swim when I can't run. I will do both if and when I have the time, because doing both would be REALLY good for me.
2. Eating WAY healthier, and only allow myself one dessert-type food a day. This cupcake bunging needs to calm down, but I have a feeling that we will only make more as the summer comes closer. I need to learn some self-control.
3. I need to start doing Wii Fit more. My parents bought it, and it hasn't really gotten much use over the past year. I think I should try and use that every morning too.
4. I need to focus on drinking the right amount of water everyday. I bought a Nalgene in the hopes that it would convince me that I need more water, because I seriously do. So I need to keep track of how much water I chug a day, and make sure that it is the right amount that I am supposed to have a day.
5. I also want to do strength workouts in the summer too. I wanna do about 1 or 2 a week. That may not sound like a lot, but its a lot more now than I am doing currently, and I really want my soccer body back haha.
6. I am gonna have to do Lent all over again. Fast food has taken over again. I still haven't had Rally's since I broke Lent, but McDonald's is getting pretty serious. I just need to cut out Fast food totally again. Maybe once every two weeks, because let's be honest, its sometimes hard to without fast food when you are a college kid with a small fund.

So that is my list for the summer. I am currently trying to work on a list to help my money issues for the summer too. I think I am gonna limit the amount of clothes I am allowed to buy, and the books I am allowed to buy. I haven't used my library card in forever, and that would help save A LOT of money, but the thing is, I think it has like a $60 fine. Another thing is, I need to stop buying food. That is SERIOUSLY taking all my money right now, and it really is a waste. I need to focus on what my family has here at home, but sometimes, it doesn't sound so appealing. So hopefully, I can just have lot's of salad stuff, and that will help my summer plan too. I also hope to pick up more hours at work, but with the economy, and Robin, that may be easier said than done.

Done.

This "poor me" shit really needs to stop. Why do I let myself get this way?
How many times have I complained about being this way, or written about it, or talked about it?
I keep saying that I am working on it, and I am...some of the time, but the rest of the time I am throwing myself a pity party and getting myself down. I guess I like to wallow in my sadness a little too much sometimes, but I really want to make sure I don't crawl back into my hole. I think I was in it for a week, and then tried getting myself back up. Every now and then, I can feel myself slipping back, but I do myself to fix that problem and make myself happier.
I think some good weather and all this hanging out with other people will make it all better.

Summer.

Tonight was how it used to be. I didn't realize how much how much I missed those long summer days until I sat on the tire swing with Bri and Fry and just discussed some random things. Oh, and talking about puking on each other. That was pleasant haha. I can't wait for the summer to come, and for us to have all the time to hang out like this again. I think we were missing someone though. We need Aramis (Carla) in there. Yeah Fry, I remembered it. Alright, alright, I looked it up on Wikipedia.

Excited.

Disconsolate.

This was another crappy weekend emotionally. I guess its because I started off the weekend feeling really crappy and it just extended over ll the craziness that ensued over the next couple days. I'm sure it didn't help that I had a little bit too much to drink on Saturday night. I really just wanted to go back into myself, and just find somewhere quiet to think. I felt like I was in a super sad version of my car-mode. It was really disturbing. I tried my best to have fun, and I did have fun, but those were little shining rays that happened to just peak out through all the clouds.

Guilty.

How is it that I feel so guilty? I feel just as bad, or maybe even more worse than I did yesterday after hanging out with him today. Why do I feel like this? I hate this. I just want things to go back to the way they were in December, when things were simple and just silly little crushes. Or even to the time before that when it felt like I was forced to hang out with him, and I didn't want any part of him. I hate feeling this guilt. This guilt because I still like him and might be making everything awkward for him. SAJDFHDSKLJSD. I need to get over this. I need to get over this well, and not crawl into my hole. I am really trying my best you guys. I feel like I am ruining everything.

Relief.

I'm really glad we had a chance to talk. It makes me feel less like a leper for the things I was feeling. I am glad that he accepts that that is just the way I am feeling now. I assured him though that I am really trying to work on changing all that, but it is hard for me. I am trying though. I know our friendship means a lot to him. I mean, it was really only supposed to be a friendship in the beginning, but than again, things happen...

Papers.

I totally just realized, thanks to Angie's blog, that I have three papers due at the end of the semester. Wow. I really need to get started on those. One of them, Philo of Religion, was started last week, and now I just have to spice up the rough draft and fix the things that my teacher wants to see on it. Next is my Anthro paper. I need to experience another type of religious something-or-other. Not too sure what I can do yet. I think the easiest thing would be to get my palm read, but I am kind of against those, but its just for a paper right? Then I have a research paper for my English class. I have to research ANYTHING. The only problem is, is that the paper has to be on something arguable. Also, my teacher is BIG into politics and the like, so its best to pick something with current events. I decided it would be safe to stay away from affirmative action and abortion and crap like that, and go with something I could steal from Bioethics from last year. So I decided to take on the argument of prison health care. This is one of two grades that I need to fix the most, simply because I decided I was better than everyone in that class, and didn't do a paper. So I NEED to do super duper well on this paper. I also need to find where I placed all that info from that class so I can just steal some of the sources.
Wow, I have a lot of work to do. Good thing I am gone for the next bagillion weekends.
Which also reminds me. I really need to buy those 30S2M, Mute Math, and Neon Tree tickets for the 17th.

Greetings.

Hello old self. What are you doing here? It's been a while, hasn't it? How long do you think you plan on staying? For a while? Hmm. Well, I guess just make yourself at home.

Aggravated.

I think I need to extend my vocabulary a bit more, because I feel like I am running out of words that truly describe how I feel for the entries. It truly is aggravating though, many aspects of my life.
I hate how my mom thinks its okay to bombard a sister about another sisters personal life. I mean, lets get real. I would know the least out of any of my sisters, because I keep to myself so much. I mean sure, I know a few things, but not enough, or not an okay thing, to say to my mother.
Another thing that bugs me: When guys clearly don't understand the boundaries I have set at hand. If you know I like someone else, leave me alone! Do not text me two times a day, then message me twice, and then call me. If you know I like someone else, do not ask me to go get a tattoo with you and then promise to take me to dinner and a movie. I won't have it! I may be acting like a bitch about all of this, but please. I need my space to get all this stuff sorted. My mind is just spinning, thinking about all the possibilities of the future. I need to work on my relationship, or lack there of, that I have right now. And, to top it all of, I told these guys this. I told them that I really and truly liked someone else, and they still didn't get the hint. Did they really think they could sweep me off my feet that easily? Did they really think that they could change my mind? Did they really think that I would change my mind about the idea I had made out for them? Wow. Just wow. Boys can be so dense!
I really could use a soccer ball right now to vent some anger.