The Cave.

I have been listening to Mumford & Sons since the second we got back. Not too sure why either. But look at the sparkly water! I want to go back. Hmph.

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Wow.

I just read January and February's entries on here from a year ago, and holy shit...what the fuck was I thinking?
I mean, I knew I was stupid, and I could see it every now and then, and yet I ignored it.
Not that I regret any of it, because what is the use in that?
Still though...wow.
I was so ignorant and naive. I really hope and pray that I am beyond that.
I know I still complain about all my boy issues and shit like that, but I would really like to hope that I am better than all that now, or at least a bit more mature about it.

Umm.

Well...
Hm...
I don't know what to say. You guys have all done the same crap as I have, simply because I have only hung out with you guys.
What to say...
I am reading Harry Potter 7 again! I always forget how brilliantly she writes. You make think its lame and childish, but I applaud her for the skill in making everything intertwine. I really envy her in her thinking.
I think most of my motivation has disappeared. I was really good for two weeks, and now I am back to being super lazy again. I just don't feel like running, not in this heat anyways. Maybe, I will do a couple of laps in the freezing pool tomorrow. Who knows.
All I feel like doing is playing Brawl. Could I get anymore lame?
At least the motivation to become a better cook is still in motion. Still working on saving money though...
By the way, that is a picture of a star eating a planet that was orbiting it. Thanks to the Hubel for that. Thought you guys would like it? Haha no idea. I thought it was cool...

Kskjdfhdslkjhf.

I can't take this anymore. Its eating at my like no other, and I can't hardly begin to understand why. There are no words to describe all of the things I am feeling, and all of the things I do not want to feel. I'm at my wit's end.

Rainy Day.

I realized last night, that a lot of people don't actually know what happened between Josh and I. Angel and Hannah have both been out of the loop, and had to tell them everything. Updating them fully was a bad idea because it got me angry-feeling the rest of the night. I know I am a little too bitter for the situation, because its not as bad as other situations I have been in, but it still sucks, and he just goes on acting like nothing has happened. So, last night I told Angel and Hannah in my truck, parked outside Josh's apartment, after well all got back from a birthday dinner for a couple of the people in the group. We probably sat out in that car for a good 25 minutes, and then I checked my mirrors, and saw that Josh was coming over. We all freaked out and made up quick lies about what we were talking about. Apparently I was the only brave enough one to speak when he asked if we had car troubles or not, and I replied "No, we were just catching up on our first year and our first time partying, that's all Josh." After he walked away a little confused, we broke down laughing, and Hannah got out of her car and I drove Angel home.
On that drive home, I realized one thing: Josh is the only new friend that I made my first year of college. How suckish is that? Someone who claimed to cherish my friendship so much and then betrays it. I hope this summer will really help me to turn things around and that I will have more of a successful sophomore year of college.

Alice.

Sometimes I just feel so lost, lonely, and confused.

I have to tell myself that they are just dreams. Not dreams of bigger and better things, but dreams that take place at night while I sleep and mean nothing, and are merely silly things that just happen to surface when I leave my mind to control itself; these are just things that my subconscious is attacking me with. They are just like any other dreams that I have: crazy whirlwind rides and make-believe characters, with things that could never be possible, but the feelings and sensations are still there. These dreams leave a sort of feeling after I wake up. Even if the dream took me to a place I could never go, and made me do things I could never do, and made me see things that couldn't possibly be, they tell me a story, and they have a moral to the story. I don't want to feel regret. I don't want to crave that feeling. I don't want this happening to me now. I have been trying so hard not to crawl back into my little hole, and I think I have been doing pretty good with it. Why now? I have to wake up and reassure myself that it was just a dream, and that it was simply silly. Yet, it was my mind that was dreaming it up, obviously telling me that I have something going on there when I am not realizing it. And the weird thing is, I am having a harder time remembering my dreams in their entirety. Before, I could remember every single aspect of what was going on and who was there, and I could tell you how colorful the dreams were and the lighting in the dreams. Now, however, I can only remember bits and pieces, and these bits and pieces are the parts that torment me.

I hate this.

Productive.

I found my Harry Potter shirts.
Oh, and all my summer shorts.

Today has been one of the most productive days EVER, so I feel super good about it. I managed to do some Wii Fit, run stairs for about 10 minutes (which was indeed very hard because I did it at a sprint), all three weeks worth of laundry, clean and vacuum my room (in extension I found Fry's keys haha), watch two episodes of The Tudors, cleaned the inside of my car, I went for a mile or so walk with Kristin and Laura, and I managed to get my tan on. Very good day indeed.
Tomorrow I just plan on being super lazy until work, and then come home from work and be lazy again.
I am totally digging this summer thing. I don't even care that I don't have money to go anywhere for vacation. I can totally get used to being super motivated all the time.
Now I just need to keep my motivation all the way until I start school again. Hmph.

Babbling.

As I sat and watched the little eighth graders get confirmed (became members and had their first communion) at St. Paul yesterday, I realized something. I realized that I do really want to help at SP still. I still want to coach those girls in volleyball, and make the youth group stronger. I want to chaperone them to Michigan's Adventure in the next month or so, and I want to recruit them to events like Battlecry and National Youth Gathering. I remember a lot of those kids being born. I remember having to watch them in my mom's classroom after school sometimes. I feel attached to these kids, like a nanny.
I don't know what all this means, but its just been super weird for me lately.
Chris asked me again if I was going to be on the youth board. I told him I was thinking about it. CUAA is looking WAY out of the picture right now, and GVSU just doesn't feel right anymore; I don't feel excited anymore about the idea of going away. I guess I am just a homebody. And just because I am possibly staying home, doesn't mean I am going to amount to nothing. I can still do things that are worthwhile and important to me. I don't need big cities, scholarships, mountains, Jeeps, major universities, boyfriends, or anything of those sorts to make me into something awesome. I can stay here and go to Mott or U of M Flint and just do what I do best. I can stay here and coach volleyball, sell cookies, take up psychology or writing, and help run a youth group. That doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I won't get some of the awesome experiences, but I will still get to do the things I like the most, and I think that is more important to me.
Other than that...
This whole being around Josh is getting better. It was only awkward at small group today until the other people showed up. I think Chris and Liz notice that things may feel a little weird to me, but I try to think nothing of it. We had three new people join today, and they are pretty cool. They are Dallas (23), Max (21), and Amy (18). They were all super outgoing and pretty cool people. They all were homeschooled, and even have a younger sister who is fourteen. Dallas and Max never went to college. Dallas is a mechanic out in Millington, and Max works for Bronner's seasonally. He is currently laid off until June, and will work until December. Weird season, I know. Amy is still a high schooler, and I don't know her plans for college, because Dallas started talking to me, but I know she wants to start coming to game nights, and she was super glad to find out that we were both the same age. I said I have been the youngest the whole time and so I was glad too. Then Liz jumped in and said that we don't treat you like the youngest, that would be Josh. I had to laugh at this, simply because Josh wasn't listening. Haha sucka.
Okay, anyways, that was a tad randomness about people you guys don't care about haha. Just thought I would update, simply because new people in SP stuff doesn't happen so often, at least not in this age group.

Motivation.

So today begins it all. This is the day I start making myself a better me: working out, eating healthier, becoming well-read, saving money, and doing many other things that will definitely help me in some area of my life. I consider this the first day of summer for me, and I had all week to eat the worst food possible and be completely lazy.
I just hope I can keep the motivation to do this.