I Survived My First Frat Party...

And it was not too fun for me. It all started with Cam freaking out at me for even wanting to go in the first place, and then I was like whatever, I'm going to go. I mean I guess it was alright, but I didn't like the part when everyone wanted to go to the dance floor. All I could hear on my way down there was Cam's warning, and oh boy was he right. I wanted out! It was awkward and there was way too much of people touching my ass. I don't think I will ever go again. Not fun in my opinion at all. I had fun just hanging out with the people we were with before we went down. It was fun because I got to meet the people in my group, and get to know Rosie's friend Johnny better. He brought three friends of his own. They were hilarious as well, and they made an acronym so that we could remember their names; "Dumb Butt And Dan," translates to Dillan, Brenden, Andrew, and Dan. Weirdly enough, they were all still seniors in high schools, but they were still cool. Especially Dillan. They are all coming back here tonight for an exhilarating game of Monopoly and who knows what else.
Another thing that made the night not so pleasant, was Alexis. Oh my goodness, it was ridiculous. She is one of the people that when they get drunk, they let the whole world know. I constantly heard "I'm so drunk," "My lips are so numb." It was funny the first couple times, but after I was like, please shut up. We left kind of early from the party, and started to walk back to the dorm at like 1:30, and we had been walking for about ten minutes, when Alexis made us take her back so that she could dance more, and be with her cousin. I was going insane at this point, and so we were like fine, we will take you. So Rose and I made our trip back to her dorm alone. Luckily we hadn't drank much, and weren't scantly clad, so there was no worrying about the police storming the sidewalks who were handing out MIP's like Halloween candy. Thank goodness too, that Alexis didn't want to come back here when she was done, because that means we would be letting her in at 4:30am, and that was not about to happen. So when Rose and I got back to the dorm, we stayed awake a bit longer because the little Captain that was still running through us made us hyper, and so she was talking to Josh, and I was texting Cam that I was ok, because he still wanted to freak out, but he got over it thankfully.
And that was the extent of my first Frat party. Also, if you guys were wondering, it was at Sigma Pi, not that anyone really cares haha. It was a horrible bleh house anyways.

I'm sitting here at MSU bored in Rosie's dorm. I have to spend so much time today alone, being awkward, but oh well. At least I get the chance to come down here and maybe make up for the shitty time I had the previous time I visited.
I have an exciting weekend to be A LOT of people I know that are coming down, so maybe I will get to see some people who have basically fallen off the Earth.
I already got to meet some cool people. One of which is Rosie's friend Johnny. He is the funniest thing ever! He makes up jokes out of anything. Right now he is trying to get into a Fraternity and so we are attending that party tonight for Halloween. Rose and I are being lame and being fairies, but we are going to take off our wings eventually anyways.
Another person I met was Ross, London's boyfriend. He is the nicest kid ever, and funny. It's only awkward because Ross and London are ALL OVER each other. Rose says this is completely normal for them, and not the fact that they haven't seen each other in three weeks. They do this when they haven't even seen each other for a week. Not to mention, they Skype too. So this whole thing is kind of ridiculous, and Rose agrees haha. I feel the need to leave the room, but I think they are gonna be patient and wait until I go to lunch with Rose until they get to business haha.
Tomorrow should be A LOT more interesting. Don't get me wrong, a party will be tons of fun, but tomorrow will be awesome. Angel is coming down, and so is Johnny with his three friends, and then Steve which is another of Rose's friends, and we are playing Monopoly. Of course its a drinking game, and we are going to play until we are dead. I'm hoping Alexis will stay another day for that reason too, because we are going to cram as many people possible in this little dorm room as we can. Ross and London will be gone for this because they are giving the dorm room to Rose, and they are getting a hotel haha. Rose is going to have like a million people in here Sunday morning. Hopefully my parents wont come until late afternoon, otherwise, things could get awkward real fast haha.
Well now I must go and try and preoccupy myself as Ross and London get cozy in the room while I'm here. Then I have to find a way not to look weird when I go sit in the cafe all alone for another 2 hours. Yes...

This is Totally Random

I was having a strange thought today. I was thinking, what if people didn't see colors the way I saw them? Let me explain. Say I'm walking down the street, and I point to a stop sign, and ask someone what color it was. We would both agree that it's red, because we all learned from the Crayola Box that that is in fact the color red. But what if I could see through their eyes? Would the color they were seeing be MY shade of red, or would it be MY shade of yellow. They would perceive the world so differently, but never have a second thought about it! They would look at the sky and see "blue" but if I were to peer through their eyes, it would in fact be purple! Its a strange thing to grasp, I know, but its also interesting thing to think about. No one would ever know that they were seeing things differently, because they would name all the things the correct colors in which they were taught. Then the next question would be, which color is right? Would the person who see red as MY red be in the right, or would the person who saw MY green as THEIR blue be in the right? This is such a strange thing to grasp. This idea came to me as I was thinking about my philosophy class and we were discussing how we all perceive things. Hmmm. Like right now, this font is blue to all of you reading this, but what color is your blue to me???

Watching the sunrise on a cloudy day doesn't cause for a good sunrise.

As I sit here so early in the morning trying to accomplish things that need to get done, I realize how torn up I am about all of this. I may not show it, yeah I admit I'm bitter, but it still hurts down deep. I saw what he had to say today, and he recovered fast; already having a date and all. I can't believe what he said to me. How can anyone really have the guts to say that to any one. I also cant believe the things he DIDN'T say to me; the things he kept hidden inside of him. I know what he was trying to do, and I'm so fucking sick of it, you don't even know. I'm tired of having to be fed lies from him. I just wish I could have seen all of this coming. It's my fault for being so blinded I guess, I thought he had changed when he came to me over a month ago telling me everything in his heart, but I guess that's the only place where things had changed. He had shown to me that things weren't going to be different, and he made that evident when I came to him saying I wanted to take the next step. I guess it was just wishful thinking that kept me going with all of this. I'm amazed at how he can be so reckless with friendship. Did anything that happened in the past three years mean something to him? I guess it doesn't mean much to me now either. Not after my life was almost thrown away a week ago, but I guess he forgot that too. He also must have forgotten everything I had given up for him, maybe he will remember, but I guess that is more wishful thinking. In the end, this is what I get for being an optimist. This is what I get for trying to see the good in people ALL THE TIME. This is what I get when I put all of my heart into someone in the hopes that they will take care of it. This is what I get when I want the old him back, I guess. It's all "guess" work in the end. I can't give up any more of myself, and even though I may seem like I'm back on my feet again after one wretched night over a lost best friend, I cant say that inside I'm not all torn up. Right now I could care less about a relationship that could have been, but I'm more concerned with the friendship that doesn't exist anymore. Losing a friend to me, is like losing a limb, and detrimental limb. He was like my right hand for the longest time.
In the end, I wish to break the cycle with him. I will not let him close to me ever again. He will never regain his title of best friend. Maybe, just maybe, if he earns it, he might get title of friend again, but it will take a whole lot more than cheesy jokes, silly faces, and phone calls to win me back over. I've had it with the way he thinks he treats people. It's going to take a lot more than saying "I'm deeply sorry Meg," to receive total forgiveness from me, and I plan on telling him if he plans to do so. He needs to understand that he can't just walk all over me, and I'm going to tell him that "no, I can't forgive you," because I know that I wont be able to for such a long time. I know this isn't the way to live, and I know that I never live by such a harsh way of doing things, but I can't just let this get to me again. I can't just let him back into my life and let him think that everything is fine. I have done that too many times for him because I was blinded. Things are different now, and he needs to see that I just as different now, like he is compared to when we first started dating. Things are so different now, and I can't ignore it any longer. I do wish things were different, but I cant always have what I want, and that just leads to more wishful thinking.
I will continue to live with a partially broken heart until he tries to mend things, or until time will help heal me, but who knows how long that will take. I need distractions, I need things to do, I need to meet some new friends, I need to get away, I need to forget, I need to throw away, I need a break. I need time to myself. I need you guys though; my friends. You guys have been amazing in all of this. I'm not too sure how much of that was actual support haha, but I do know that you guys support any decision I make. So help some more in getting over this douche bag?

I'm the tree, you are the leaves that are falling away.

Its really hard to get a word in edgewise with you these days. You have shown me how much control you seem to place in a conversation, and you have proven to me that you would like to see things different. Yet, I still haven't gotten a chance to talk to you. I have felt the awkwardness of your words towards me; it doesn't sound like you anymore. You keep me hanging on tenterhooks for the chance to speak to you about all of this. I guess it is my fault that I did give you the say when we would be able to have the freedom to speak of this. I have asked quite a few people on this subject over the past couple days (seeing as this is about to reach a period of over a week), and they say that its time to consider looking elsewhere. I would be foolish to say that I am content at where I am right now, but then I need to consider the situation I am placed in now. Time and time again you have shoved me to the side, claiming that the you will only hurt me and that you have proven this many times. Can't you just stop looking at the past for just one second? Really, this is starting to annoy. Its hard to have a decent conversation about all of this if you continue to toss bad times describe in great detail every time we look at where this is going for us. Its simply agonizing, really. You say you are only thinking of me, but really it all comes back to you. I'm a big girl, no need worrying about my feelings. Especially this far into the game. I just need to know what you feel in you heart, because I know you can't tell whats in mine. Don't make judgments on what you think is best for, only I can do that. I can't force you to do anything either, as well you can't do that for me. We are independent parts, whether we decide that its best to put those parts together, depends on what we decide together; meaning we need to talk.

Well aside from yesterday's little rant...

Here is some other news I would like to share.
First of all, my philosophy is rocketing through the roof! I got a 95 on a quiz (one wrong suckas), and then I got an 88 on my exam, which is pretty damn good compared to most. Then my teacher reminded us that he drops our two lowest quiz grades! I need to do well on the rest of them so that he only has to drop the 50 and 65, which were shameful Socrates quizzes (I hate that damn guy haha). I'm doing my best to work well in that class. There is a nice girl who sits next to me, and she is an AMAZING artist, that's probably why I didn't do well in the class at first because I would just sit and stare at the beautiful things she was drawing on her papers, but now I'm used to it.
On the flip side, CHEMISTRY IS KICKING MY ASS. It really shouldn't be hard for me because I learned it all about three years ago, but I guess that means I have forgotten most of it. I have received 65's and lower on my 3 quizzes, except for one which I got a 95 on (she took one point off because she couldn't tell my "n" was and "m" or something ridiculous like that). Then I just got a huge test back, and guess what I got? A freakin 65!! I'm so mad. I need to do A LOT better. I think I'm doing alright on the homework, but that is because I can check in the back of the book and they have EVERY answer. My testing skills are shameful.
Then there is English. Lord knows what I have in English because that teacher is fucking retarded. Nicole will be here in a little bit to work on our portfolio. We were stupid enough to have our "conference" with our teacher on Monday, and she just assigned this Wednesday. Nicole is worse off because she has it at 10am and I don't have to go until 1pm. The up side to all of this: NO CLASS FOR 3 DAYS. Thank the good Lord.
Now to Psych. Thank goodness that teacher was blessed with her head on straight. She has no midterm, no cumulative exam, and no homework. Some people think this is a bad thing, but I've already taken Psych and I'm doing better and better on my tests. She also drops the lowest test grade (She likes to call them mini exams), so that D I got about a month ago will be tossed out the door.
Now speaking of Halloween. There seems to be a lot of debate with this, for me. I kind of want to stay here, but Rosie is now searching for a costume for me (she wants to be twin fairies, with the extent of not being slutty haha). Not to mention, Angel and Katie keep bugging me about it, mostly Rosie though. So I might go down Thursday night and stay there all weekend, or stay here with Bri and see scary movies. I have no idea yet.

I can't decide how mad I actually am.

It's in my nature to care for people, yes? I think most of you know this. If Cam and Laura aren't prime examples of this, then I don't know what. I find it very hard to just stand in the background and let myself NOT be heard. I wait and wait with anticipation to hear a simple hello from some people at times. I wander aimlessly in the hopes that someone will consider me good company when something is wrong. Right now, I am feeling this way. I told them I would back off in the hopes that I could de-stress their life a bit, only to make mine more stressful. It's literally killing me on the inside not being able to say A WORD to them, to even say "I'm here for you." I'm keeping my promise though, and waiting until they come to me. Although knowing me, I might just say "screw that," and be on my merry way to annoyingly pity them. That's really the last thing they need in a time like this. But what about me? There are a lot of things I would like to hear right now, and I think will probably never get said. This is frustrating on many levels to me.
Then there are the people who I go to with EVERYTHING, and they won't let me help them in the slightest! That is oh so annoying, and all I would like to hear come from their lips is "can you help me with something?" AHHH! I can't believe how frustrating all this is to me. I don't understand why its bugging me so much. The whole ride home from my volleyball game, I was fuming. I first vented to Laura, and then I tried to find an angry song to let myself just get more heated in the angry steam I had created for myself. Even thinking about it all now, I just get mad. How can people not want to come to me with their problems? Haha alright alright. I know sometimes I can't be too sympathetic, but I do know that I strive to help people. It's in my nature really.
I need to stop talking about this, because I'm ready to implode.

I am so naive.

I'm Lame.

It was brought to my attention today, while speaking my updated life story to my friend, that I should probably think about becoming impatient. I took a good long thought about it, and am still thinking about it, and I think that it's okay, for now, to just wait a while. We have a lot going on, and the little mishap we had a few days ago proves that there needs to be some more thinking going on. And to think, just a week ago, I would have been upset with myself to even consider such a silly thing.
It seems as if we need to understand better. If anything, that thing a few days ago brought us closer, but now we have paused at that point again. Oh well. Time will take its course I guess. Hmm, I need to talk this over out loud some more. That seems to help. Too bad it would sound like babbling to everyone, but for a fair few. Sheesh.

Still waiting, but...

No more fear ridden guilt.
No more hidden lies and worried faces.
No more sleepless nights.
No more planning for the worst.
No more worrying about sacrifices.
No more shame.
No more stress.

Just you and me, and that's all.

I have never been more afraid in my life.
Dear God, please help me.

Uncertainty

I hate people who are unsure. Yes, I know I can be one of those people, sometimes, but usually I'm one of the types that if they find something they want, or are passionate about, they stick with it until the end. It's just who I am. I'm not keen on the sudden changes of heart, and mind. I'm not a fan of the change of pace, or the change of scenery. I like my things to stay the way they are. I work too hard for those things to just suddenly change, and even for some of those things to disappear. I know people thrive on the changes around them. Each change to them is a chance at a new beginning. I really only like those when they are desperately needed. I guess I'm not as desperate as some. I am saddened by those who wish to change everything about them, keeping changing, or keep others changing. Why can't some people be happy with the way things are right now. I know things happen, and I understand that situations come up that throw choices and ultimatums at people, and those which are unavoidable. I just wish they could make their choice, and move on. Don't linger, and don't backtrack. Don't regret.

I'm Just Whining.

This is the most boring Friday of my young existence.
I was basically ditched, for not very good reasons.
I did homework at Border's. How lame.
Bri and I just sat in my room on the computer for an hour. That was fun.
Now I'm doing nothing, but making plans for next weekend.



Don't even get me started on tomorrow.

I am trying to find the RIGHT words to say.

Why does wanting to be with someone have to be so complicated? It should be easy, just as easy as it is to love them. Why is there things still holding us back? This is so frustrating.

Things with Cameron and I are getting closer and closer. Although, nothing is final yet, and I'm not too sure what to think about that at the moment. I feel so good when I'm with him, then everything feels normal when we are away. We talk everyday though, and sometimes we bring up "us", but usually I'm too afraid to bring that subject up. We both still want some freedom, yet, will do anything to keep the other from getting too involved with someone. We draw each other in all the time, just to keep each other close and know that we belong to the other and no one else. I wouldn't say things are complicated, but I wouldn't say things are easy either. I feel jealous and confused about all of this, but I'm not sure where to go with this now. We told each other last night how we really feel, and then that was that. We didn't make plans to go any further, and we didn't make plans on the future. We were just content that we both know how much we love each other. This still however doesn't make me rest easy as Cameron and I are both figuring out what we still want. I know, for the most part, that I would like to be with him again, but Cameron, being shut up inside himself most of the time, hasn't really given me an idea on how he feels about this. I just really wish this whole process was easier, and we would both be given some sort of sign as to what we are supposed to do next.