We Were Merely Freshmen. Can't Be Held Responsible.

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise

I feel like I am falling slowly into this thing called FAILURE. I told myself over and over and over again that I was NEVER to skip class again, now that I have had a mini vacation, and that I could definitely pick my self up in my classes. As soon as I got to school today, Nicole and I looked through the stuff we were far behind on in English, and walked out the door. We did go to her house to study, and we actually got quite a but done. Then we made it back in time for Psych, only to find out we have a test Wednesday. Good thing we skipped basically the past two weeks. At least I'm getting better grades each time I get a test back; each time its about 4 percent high, so I think that is pretty good.

I really need to be doing better. I need to prove to my parents that I AM independent, and can live on my own. I guess first things first, I need a fucking JOB. I am about to go apply at KFC, okay, not THAT desperate, but you catch my drift. I'm going to apply all day at Kristin's house tomorrow while I'm there. She will keep my motivated. Of course, I need to finish my homework and studying first for all the crap I have due for English, and the test I have in Psychology.
I NEED TO GET MOTIVATED.

Updates Anyone?

So, it feels like it has been a while since there has been a little update. So here I go.
This past weekend was pretty decent. Thanksgiving turned out to be amazing. I had dinner with my family, and proceeded to have dessert at Cam's house with his family. I met his dad's twin brother, Mark and his wife, whose name I don't remember, his grandparent's, his great uncle, and his cousins Caroline and Ethan, who were around Joel and Ian's age. Caroline was the cutest thing ever! Cam's uncle Mark made me feel SUPER weird, and I could tell that he was the super cocky twin ( I was forewarned by Cam that that might be the case). The night wore on, and it was a lot of fun.
Friday, I spent the evening with Bri. We went to see people get piercings, and then she got some of her own. Then we proceeded to dye my hair; something I was totally geeked about at first. The problem was, we bought too light of a hair color, so I looked like Ariel from The Little Mermaid when we were finished. It was a nightmare! I freaked out the whole night, because it wasn't the color I wanted, and it just sucked. So I set an alarm for the early morning, so that Bri and I could go back out and do my hair again before I had to go back home at 10am. We got the color I had initially wanted, and drenched my hair in it so that I could get rid of the red. Most people have liked it so far. I kind of feel like it's not really me, but I will live with it, and when it is time to fix it, we shall see what I want to do next. I guess this means I need to get a picture up for you Jana, so that you can see what it looks like haha.
Saturday was of course bonfire day, and that was a blast. Normally my bonfires start at 7, but this time I figure I should start it at 5 so that we could still have light to play frisbee. I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because most people didn't show up until around 7 anyways. It was alright though, because it literally took Cam and I 45 minutes to light the fire due to dampness and freezing cold temperatures. The party was a lot of fun though. It was mostly just catching up and reminiscing, and then even more joking around. Overall, a very good night.
Today was mostly just me having aching knees and being greatly annoyed. It's days like these that I REALLY wish I was living on my own, in my own apartment. Grrr parents! We went to early church, even though the bonfire went kind of late last night, and then we went out to breakfast, Birch Run, and Frankenmuth for Laura's birthday. I managed to buy another ornament to add to my collection- a viking this year haha. My mom was just on my case the whole time of course, because I didn't want to go to game night at church, and would rather go hang out with Cam and do my homework. So told me I could be over there for 4 hours, and had to be home, or I would lose the car, because she wanted to decorate the tree tonight. So I went to Cam's, and it wasn't that great because he wasn't feeling well, and just was kind of in a bad mood the whole time. I left there kind of annoyed for wasting my time, and made it home to find out that we weren't doing the tree anymore. My mom always manages to find a way to piss me off! Oh well, I shall be out of the stupid place soon...I hope.
Next weekend should be a ton more interesting due to the fact that I have no choice but to attend my mother's staff party. Oh Joy.

I am so sick of hearing about next fall, wedding plans, and money. It's killing me.

Love

I don't know how I should feel about this resolution. All my life I have striven for some kind of love from you, and now you are trying to give it. I didn't have to do anything but go to college, and that's all you ask for. My parents are trying to force me to go visit you, because you ask about me all the time, when before, you barely even hugged me. Sure, you said "I love you," but that it was never as sincere as it was to the rest of my sisters, especially Laura and Kristin. I have no idea what I did as a child that made you love me less than the others; that made you chose me as one of your least favorites, but then again, I don't understand what I did this time to make you realize what it is that makes me just as awesome as my sisters. Is it because I'm so much more stubborn than my other sisters, I'm not as funny as my other sisters? Is it because, as a child, I was always too shy to want to go and talk to people, to even spend the night at your house? This is just so strange to me. I feel like I should still be guarded, because its too good to be true.

Now I have to add two more to my list.



I will literally be the last one left.

I just want them to be happy.

I only have a short time left. Well, quite a bit of time, a year, but that seems so short seeing as how well I have known these two people. They pretty much mean the world to me, and now they are about to disappear. Okay, that was kind of dramatic, but it sort of feels like it. They are off to do bigger and better things, and I am stuck here, craving to take Philosophy and English classes as they go to make the world a better place somewhere far from me.
One is about to take a leap in to the great north. Into the beautiful nature that is part of northern Michigan. She will be at least six hours away from me, just far enough for it to make it difficult to get to her. When I get a job, it will be near impossible. Luckily we will still have technology that will allow us to communicate, but that is clearly not the same as hanging out to go take random pictures of exciting (or not so exciting) places. She will no longer be 5 minutes away from me, and I can't go see her at odd hours of the day, or pursue lacrosse (if that still held some motivation for me). This is what she wants though, to get away and experience the true college life, and I'm okay with that.
The other is about to head into the world of the Navy. THE NAVY. He knows I don't like, but he knows I'm still here for him. He could be as close as Ann Arbor, or as far as Ohio State, Purdue, or Notre Dame. He will basically fall off the face of the Earth for a year when he goes into training when he is done with classes. His mom even told him that I would be the only one who would still be waiting here for him. Yeah, he is my best friend, so I think I would still be here for him, no matter how far he goes. He can't expect me to follow him though, unless he gets committed. He knows what I want, or think I want, and he knows that he will have to do something about it if he wants me to keep giving him moral support as he joins the ranks of the armed forces. This is what he wants though, to get away and experience what his dad has, and I'm okay with that.
This all hit me last night, and so I think it will only get worse as they both get ready to leave.

Lethargic.

This week was so Anti-Me that it was crazy. I was sick, I only went to one class a day, I even managed to take a 3 hour nap. It was just not a good week for me at all. I know I missed major stuff in Chem, and I slept through an alarm. Nothing was going right for me at all this week. I didn't do homework, I went to bed late, I couldn't sleep. Not to mention, my favorite cross necklace that I NEVER take off, broke on Sunday, I blame my bad luck on that. Bleh, this week was just horrible.

Not too mention, I have been feeling really down lately. Before today, things seemed pretty crappy. I guess things started to pick up. Probably because things started to get back to normal. I believe its because its the weekend.
Today I went to Philo (still skipped Chem) and I took really good notes and I paid attention. Then I helped Bri with a photography project which was fun. I found out that Napoleon was deathly afraid of balloons when I brought them home; he growled and cowered at them when I walked through the door. Then I went and got my hair fixed. Literally, that's what it needed, a good fixing.
Oh, I learned another interesting thing this week. I have Cam basically whipped still. Totally learned that when he was kind of being a buttmuncher for the way he was talking to me, and I asked him what his deal was, and he said he had better things to do, and I told him alrighty then. So I didn't answer to him, and he apologized and whatnot, and I was thinking, I still got it haha. Lame, I know.
Well this is the ended to my randomly long winded entry. I'll update more later, I guess.

Happy

Someone once told me
That you have to choose
That you win or lose
You cant have everything
Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love wont set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly
Just cant let it go
Just trying to play my roll
Slowly disappear
Well all these tears
They feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
Well i can stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

So any turns that i cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me
So what if i break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

You guys must think I'm mentally retarded. I would have to agree with you.