As I sit here so early in the morning trying to accomplish things that need to get done, I realize how torn up I am about all of this. I may not show it, yeah I admit I'm bitter, but it still hurts down deep. I saw what he had to say today, and he recovered fast; already having a date and all. I can't believe what he said to me. How can anyone really have the guts to say that to any one. I also cant believe the things he DIDN'T say to me; the things he kept hidden inside of him. I know what he was trying to do, and I'm so fucking sick of it, you don't even know. I'm tired of having to be fed lies from him. I just wish I could have seen all of this coming. It's my fault for being so blinded I guess, I thought he had changed when he came to me over a month ago telling me everything in his heart, but I guess that's the only place where things had changed. He had shown to me that things weren't going to be different, and he made that evident when I came to him saying I wanted to take the next step. I guess it was just wishful thinking that kept me going with all of this. I'm amazed at how he can be so reckless with friendship. Did anything that happened in the past three years mean something to him? I guess it doesn't mean much to me now either. Not after my life was almost thrown away a week ago, but I guess he forgot that too. He also must have forgotten everything I had given up for him, maybe he will remember, but I guess that is more wishful thinking. In the end, this is what I get for being an optimist. This is what I get for trying to see the good in people ALL THE TIME. This is what I get when I put all of my heart into someone in the hopes that they will take care of it. This is what I get when I want the old him back, I guess. It's all "guess" work in the end. I can't give up any more of myself, and even though I may seem like I'm back on my feet again after one wretched night over a lost best friend, I cant say that inside I'm not all torn up. Right now I could care less about a relationship that could have been, but I'm more concerned with the friendship that doesn't exist anymore. Losing a friend to me, is like losing a limb, and detrimental limb. He was like my right hand for the longest time.
In the end, I wish to break the cycle with him. I will not let him close to me ever again. He will never regain his title of best friend. Maybe, just maybe, if he earns it, he might get title of friend again, but it will take a whole lot more than cheesy jokes, silly faces, and phone calls to win me back over. I've had it with the way he thinks he treats people. It's going to take a lot more than saying "I'm deeply sorry Meg," to receive total forgiveness from me, and I plan on telling him if he plans to do so. He needs to understand that he can't just walk all over me, and I'm going to tell him that "no, I can't forgive you," because I know that I wont be able to for such a long time. I know this isn't the way to live, and I know that I never live by such a harsh way of doing things, but I can't just let this get to me again. I can't just let him back into my life and let him think that everything is fine. I have done that too many times for him because I was blinded. Things are different now, and he needs to see that I just as different now, like he is compared to when we first started dating. Things are so different now, and I can't ignore it any longer. I do wish things were different, but I cant always have what I want, and that just leads to more wishful thinking.
I will continue to live with a partially broken heart until he tries to mend things, or until time will help heal me, but who knows how long that will take. I need distractions, I need things to do, I need to meet some new friends, I need to get away, I need to forget, I need to throw away, I need a break. I need time to myself. I need you guys though; my friends. You guys have been amazing in all of this. I'm not too sure how much of that was actual support haha, but I do know that you guys support any decision I make. So help some more in getting over this douche bag?
In the end, I wish to break the cycle with him. I will not let him close to me ever again. He will never regain his title of best friend. Maybe, just maybe, if he earns it, he might get title of friend again, but it will take a whole lot more than cheesy jokes, silly faces, and phone calls to win me back over. I've had it with the way he thinks he treats people. It's going to take a lot more than saying "I'm deeply sorry Meg," to receive total forgiveness from me, and I plan on telling him if he plans to do so. He needs to understand that he can't just walk all over me, and I'm going to tell him that "no, I can't forgive you," because I know that I wont be able to for such a long time. I know this isn't the way to live, and I know that I never live by such a harsh way of doing things, but I can't just let this get to me again. I can't just let him back into my life and let him think that everything is fine. I have done that too many times for him because I was blinded. Things are different now, and he needs to see that I just as different now, like he is compared to when we first started dating. Things are so different now, and I can't ignore it any longer. I do wish things were different, but I cant always have what I want, and that just leads to more wishful thinking.
I will continue to live with a partially broken heart until he tries to mend things, or until time will help heal me, but who knows how long that will take. I need distractions, I need things to do, I need to meet some new friends, I need to get away, I need to forget, I need to throw away, I need a break. I need time to myself. I need you guys though; my friends. You guys have been amazing in all of this. I'm not too sure how much of that was actual support haha, but I do know that you guys support any decision I make. So help some more in getting over this douche bag?
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