I managed to be even more lame than I already am, and write a list so i could know what to talk about. The list grew throughout my day of school, so I think I'm going to narrow it down a bit. Haha I'm lame.
The status of my whole ordeal with him: It's all fun and games for now. Lame, I know, but we are still trying to figure out what we want, and that means spending small amounts of time together. If anything, we will just be best friends. I don't know if that sounds good enough or not, still trying to search through myself about this whole ordeal. I'm also wondering how these weekends coming up are going to go. Saturday is the dance, and he is going because he told me he owes me a dance. I feel happy that he will do that for me, but I wonder what that's going to do to us in our minds. I don't know, everything seems to affecting how I think about it, and I just need to let some stuff go so that I will be able to understand myself better and know what I want.
I think I keep hoping that I will wake up and someone will be there for and I will be totally happy with them; hoping that it will be him. I know this sounds really stupid, but I feel kind of at a loss that I don't have anyone to really care for. I mean, he knows that I do, but I think that it will end up just us being best friends. Which always sucks, whether you want it or not.
I don't know, I kind of feel my sanity slipping away. Okay, that sound over-dramatic, and Hamletish, but that's the best way I could put it. I noticed I don't clean my room at all anymore, a habit I used to have as soon as I got home from school; I just leave things lying around until its the weekend or until I have a good chunk of time to do it. I also find myself not being able to sleep, as I've said before. Another thing is that I keep avoiding my parents. I did it a little before because they would always ask me silly questions that were too personal for my liking, but now it seems to have grown to bigger proportions. I am afraid that they will ask how I'm doing and all I will say is "fine", when I really don't think that I am doing fine. Fine isn't even an emotion. It's a lame-ass excuse to avoid confrontation and it allows people to stay hidden in themselves. Someone like me. I can't seem to bring myself to really spill my guts out anymore. It used to be so easy only a few months ago, but I got tired of people getting sick of my crying and sick of my problems and wanting to help. I was tired of people helping me. It's just a hassle and they don't need the burden or to feel the pity of my problems. I would much prefer helping people, and them having them to help me in-return. Sometimes I do feel the need for some help, but I don't tell the whole story, or all that is bothering me to that person. I don't think anyone really does. I know that I beat around the bush and hope that I get the answer that I am looking for, or maybe hoping that that advice will suffice. I don't know, call me crazy.
Time to totally change the subject around.
So I have been doing a lot more writing. Obviously. I "write" on here and I have my journal and my English class. I came up with a super lame story idea and I'm not too sure on how I want to develop it yet or what not, but it just came to me a couple days ago. So we'll see. I also am currently writing a paper for English, and I thought my intro paragraph was awesome. I never write good intros, and this is the best one I have ever done. Read It:
In Ian McEwan’s novel Atonement, Peter Mathews uncovers some of the deeper meanings behind the story that unfolds surrounding Briony and her walk down a road she chose. Mathews explains that “while the novel demonstrates the potentially tragic results of hasty judgment, its increasing ambiguity self-reflexively turns this logic of shame back onto the reader, so that the book’s conclusion leaves us, as witnesses, to ponder our own ability to testify about the story that Briony has just described.” In his analysis, Mathew explains Briony’s story through secrets and mysteries, paradoxes, morals and religion, and knowledge of the situation.
Awesome isn't it? Nope, didn't think so either, but I'm proud of it all the same.
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