Depressive Jealousy

The big green monster inside of me is beginning to subtly lash out. The victim: Rosie. I'm not terrorizing her or anything, but silently holding in my emotions, and looking pissed off when I see her. I don't mean too, it's just my subconscious taking over.

The first thing that started it off today was the realization that I didn't have a "Good Morning" text on my phone from him like I would every Saturday. So I sit in my bed and wallow in myself pity for not getting a sweet text and for knowing that I wont hang out with him today. Then I make it down the stairs where I come to find out that Rosie has been cheerfully texting her boyfriend since 8 o' clock this morning. Inwardly pouting some more, the day goes on, where I come across another realization; Rosie has to hang out with him today for at least an hour. Not alone of course, but for a group project for HOSA. I take that as my cue to make it to my parents' room to clean it, while blasting music of my hopelessness, wallowing in self pity some more. Shutting myself in my parents' room was a good way to escape and clear my mind a bit. I make it downstairs later on and sit at the table, being lame and playing Sims2. Rosie comes home, but leaves in 10 minutes. Guess where she goes? That's right, Josh's house. I am really miffed at this point, and call Bri's house about four times to try and make plans. Becoming more mad at myself when I forgot that she wasn't home, I make it to my room and clean the whole entire thing; going over things twice, ripping pictures off my walls, blasting music, re-organizing already well-organized things. I cant take it anymore. I call Bri again, and she answers. We make plans, and I get out for the night. I casually bring him up in conversation, Bri forgets that we aren't dating, and I remember that I'm supposed to be hanging out with him then. The night goes on, and he is still there in my mind the entire time. I tirelessly think of him, and hope that he texts me, wonders what he is doing, think about what we could be doing right then and there, and wonder if he would come to my first bonfire. I didn't mean to mentally ditch Bri, but I was there, I was enjoying myself fully, but I was still internally moping; becoming more pathetic by the minute. Moving on seems too impossible right now. I don't think I want to just yet, silly as that may sound. I like the feeling of liking him, it makes me feel like I never have, even though its so incredibly hopeless and simply pathetic. I have plenty of time anyways.