Two weeks. That's all it took. Actually it was twelve days. It took exactly twelve days for me to realize that this wasn't going to work. I had a feeling it wouldn't. It all started when I was trying to tell him differently about something, and it blew out of proportion. He said that I had changed, and my friends have done bad things to me. I knew this had been bugging him, but I was glad he knew how i felt just a month ago. He then began to toss ultimatums at me, expecting me to choose one or the other; my friends or him. I wanted to choose him, but I had to know what that entitled. Asking what I would get out of that gave him the wrong idea, and he told me I chose my friends and I had failed the test. I was going to choose him, but I didn't know if i wanted it. I love him so much, but I wasn't happy. I was happy the first week we started dating again, I was so happy that I knew something that nobody else did, and that I got to keep what we had as something special. Then the love started to dwindle down, as things became awkward for me. When something wrong would happen, I would imagine myself with someone else, to see how the situation would have happened differently. Not knowing that person well enough, helped me to keep on going with Cam, because I loved him most of all.
I'm not too sure why I kept fighting for our relationship to stick together. I guess it was the fact that I didn't want someone else to have him, and that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I felt that he was mine to be had, because we love each other and had been through so much. He was just as much a part of me as I was a part of him. Basically two peas in a pod. I convinced myself that I was happy, and that I was lucky to be with him. I wanted to do anything to please him, but that didn't turn out as I had planned. I began to worry about losing my friends. With college coming up, I dreaded losing anyone that I might lose in the future; I want as much time with them, as anyone else.
So now Cam and I are holding the "Best Friend" title. At least I think we are. I think it was made to be that way, as much I would like to ignore it. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that some things happened, and I wish that some things didn't. I don't regret much except that I didn't love him as much as I had wanted to. He still means the world to me, whether I can be with him or not. I'm still going to care for him, watch over him, laugh with him, and be with him when he needs me.
He is my best friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment