What happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms?

As I was in the shower, every song that came on the radio was for me; White Horse by Taylor Swift and Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

I have never cried harder.

I have never felt more hopeless.

I have never felt more lost.

I have never felt more alone.

I have never been more depressed.

I have no idea what to do.

I still love him, yet we hate each other. We cant stand each other. We are no longer a part of each others lives. My heart is even more torn now, to the point where I think there is barely anything left.
After this realization in the shower, I collapse. This has only happened to me once before, and that was during a volleyball practice. Never out of whatever I'm feeling or something. I'm just so weak and tired. Tired of all of this. I wished it never happened.

I wish we never dated. I wish I never had feelings for him. I wish I didn't call him to hang out the day after Drew's birthday party 2 years ago. I wish that I didn't call him that night to talk to him until 3 in the morning. I wish I didn't say yes to going out with him. I wish that his family never met me because I love them all. I wish that I had never had him come to my bonfires. I wish I had never taken him back. I wish that I hadn't done all those things alone with him. I wish that I didn't ever hold his hand. I wish that he never bought me that damn bracelet. I wish that I could just burn all the clothes he gave me, and I probably will. I wish that his new dumb ass girl friend cheats on him. I wish I had made out with Brad more. I wish that I made out with Brad right in front of him. I wish that he was crying right now. I wish that he is in as much pain as me.

I fucking hate him and love him at the same damn time. Why does it have to be this way?