Stupid Memories, I Hate You

I thought that soccer would help consume some of my mind wandering time, but it hasn't. I remember how soccer and baseball are at the same time, and then that leads me to him. I remember playing in my soccer games, and rushing over to catch the second game of the night to cheer him on. I still find myself drawn to those happy times that cause me to be depressed now. I really wish that my subconscious memory would leave me alone, but it feels the need to bug me about what I don't have anymore. I am also faced with the fact, daily, that my friends are in the happiest of relationships, or talking to the most amazing person ever, and I am, once again, burrowing deep inside myself to those amazing memories to relate to my friends. I don't know if I can even call them amazing anymore, now that they lead me into a sort of sadness that makes me jealous and submissive. Everyone comments on my bad moods, and I haven't been able to come up with a better excuse except for, "I'm not feeling well," or "I'm just tired." That isn't really the case at all, unless you count the hour I miss of my sleep because I am kept awake by my jealousy as my sister is texting her boyfriend in the room next to me until odd hours in the night.

I feel like I am being unfair to him for feeling this way still, and that I'm having such a hard time getting over him, especially since he knows. We are both trying, but I think I am failing more than he is. He just works all the time to get his mind off things, he looks forward to it now. I get to mope around at home, listen to my sister talk about her boyfriend, listen to my other friend talk about his girlfriend and what they do in their spare time, and just take it all in, and sulk some more. It gets really old, but I cant seem to find a way out of this pattern.

I was hoping that soccer would be able to clear my mind, focus on the game, and fill that dumb hole I have. Yet I still haven't made the team, and I have no idea if I am (seeing as how today went, which was pretty atrocious). I feel helpless, not hopeless, but I feel pretty lost as to how my life is going at the moment, and that I am just disappointing people by not moving on. My friends say, "Well he wasn't that great anyway." I guess they cant really grasp the problem at hand, because not many of them can see what I see in him, so I will take their ignorance and just shove it to the side.

I dont even know why typing this is making me cry. I think I'm going insane.