How Does One Heal A Broken Heart?

I'm such a pathetic person. I broke a promise I swore I wouldn't; I cried today. Hard. I just couldn't help it. I kept telling myself everyday, "its okay" and "you can do it, there i no point in crying". Yet I still did. Everyday I felt myself getting closer and closer to that point. Then I saw the next day after we talked, that she had on his hoodie, and I had no idea what to think. That tore at me even more, and didn't help that I saw her everywhere all day long.

Then there was today. I saw her at the lunch table, and I saw her laughing with her friends, and I felt that hole tear through my again. I thought I was done with all of that, but then I just saw her and I just had to stop right there, and cower. I wanted to put my head down on the table, but could only muster taking a drink out of my water to keep my cool, and put my head on my bottle when I was done. Of course I suck at being inconspicuous, and it went noticed, and they clearly realized what must have been going through my head. Then there was after school. I was walking out of the cafeteria, because I needed to get my game food to eat, and he was there as soon as I opened the door out into the hallway/gym area. I quickly glanced at him, and then continued walking with my head down to the locker room, and he continued to walk behind me. I wanted to say "hey", I wanted to slow up my speed to walk with him and just talk to him, I wanted to give him the biggest smile ever, I wanted to turn around and smack him in the face, I wanted to scream at him for making me jealous, and I wanted to let him know how much of an asshole he is. I kept walking, head down, trying my hardest not to cry or give my thoughts away. Then I saw her, standing with her friend, and I knew that she saw him behind me. I'm also sure that the look on my face freaked her out, because I knew he was behind me. I just about lost my mind at this point, and I started to walk faster, trying to get away from the sound of his dragging feet from his walking. I glanced at her as I quickly passed her, and ran into the locker room. I didn't want to break down and cry yet, so as soon as I was in the locker room far enough, I took a deep breath and shook it off. Then when I had made my way back to the cafeteria, people were talking about prom, so people of course asked me what was going on. Some haven't been updated yet about what happened between me and him, so I had to go into the story, and of course further explain my jealousy and my frustration about her. Of course being oblivious about the signals my friend were giving me, I kept talking, saying I shouldn't be jealous but I am, and I hope that she saw him as a douche bag, and how I she is a boy. Then a bit later after I had got it all out, I looked over at the other table, and I saw her looking at me with a bewildered look. All I could say was "fuck." I wanted to say sorry to her, but my friend told me that she needed to hear those things, and then we laughed about it; I only laughed on the outside, and felt guilty on the inside.

Of course, then it was brought to my attention just minutes ago that he is going to prom with her, and that they are about to date. One of his good friends told me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like shit. I cant be happy at the moment, and one of my favorite movies is playing in the other room, and I am typing my fucking day up on here. I just want to go cry so more. He's going to have another girlfriend already? Is that even okay? Am I supposed to feel disappointed and shitty? Why does it have to be this way? God, I just want to say something to her, for warn her, and tell her that he is something special to me, but I know he cant be that to me anymore. I've lost the only person that knew everything about me. He definitely took something from me.

I used to have time set aside just for him, to text him, to call him, to hang out with him, and now I just feel so guilty when I am talking to other people and ignoring him, but I know I cant be this way. This damn hole is back, and this time it wont be filled, because someone else is taking my place. Someone more fun, and has prettier eyes, can make him laugh all the time, someone who he enjoys talking to, someone who can make him smile no matter what, someone he wont argue with him, someone who wont be clingy, someone who will give him just what he needs, someone that isn't me...