I'm sick of it. I know I should be over this. I'm tired of hearing, "you just need to do this," "you just gotta do this," "hold your head up," etc. Well Fuck It. It's obviously easier said than done guys; I know you know it is. So yes, I am going to go to school tomorrow with my chin up, trying to look as happy as possible for a person in my situation, and then I am going to see them and it will all come crashing down. That mask will get torn to shreds with a single glare, and I will begin to crumble where I stand. Then I will want to go hide, and stop talking to whomever I am speaking to, and run away in fear. Then I will go home, and do the things I need to, then cry all over again. Then the same thing will happen the next day, and then the next day, and possibly the day after that too. I never know when the cycle will end, but it does eventually, because I notice that I have stopped crying before too long. Then I will become an angry person, distant, and submissive. I will try to prevent this as much as possible, but I have found that no matter how hard I try, I cant ignore the facts, or the way I feel. Yes, I do have feelings for him, as much as I hate him now. I just need to find something to clear my mind, and just try and let things go.
I managed to box up all his crap; everything but a white shirt, CDs, lotion, and spray, because I use those things all the time. The rest is in a box under my bed reading:
Cameron McDonald
4 Times
Fuck Him
Then today I was in such a...fit I guess you could say, that I managed to run to my room crying once I came home from Ashley's, and cut up a sweatshirt that he let me borrow.
I have no idea what has gotten into me.
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