This Needs To Be Said

LET ME MAKE MY OWN STUPID CHOICES

If I want to wear my heart on my sleeve with his name on for however long I want, then damn it, let me do it! I'm so freaking not over him that its getting ridiculous. What he says to me just draws me on more. He wants us to stay really close friends, and I'm not going to say no! I want him right there with me. He is like my best friend. I think he is the only person who TRULY knows all about me. I tell him EVERYTHING. Right now college seems pointless. I don't want to meet someone else, I want to be with him. Damn! Why?! Why do I do this to myself? I have no fucking idea, but being naive and blind to everything else just FEELS good right now. I want to finish out my high school year with no regrets, and this is one of them: Give him your heart. I know he already had it. I can still feel what he has done to it. Those scars burn every now and then, but the pieces he has touched have been some of the best moments of my young teenage life. I emphasize "teenage," because these decisions are completely irrational and probably hormonal for all I know. He means the world to me, and I doubt he even knows how much. Yes he knows that I still feel strongly for him, but this renewed feeling has made me see what he is to me. I don't know what I would do without him, and it makes me feel so good to know that he needs me in his life too. So what the fuck is he doing with her? Who knows?! I do, and only I will know. Its not my say to tell him what to do about anything involved with her. Its not my place to degrade her in front of him. I do it anyways. I have turned into a bitch towards her. I have intimidated her. I have made her worry. She has reason to. Me, and only me really knows what he feels for the both of us; this disastrous triangle of teenage emotions. I don't know if I will ever get the chance the meet this mysterious "Mr. Right" that my friends speak of, but I know that I don't want to if its not him. I need him right now. That's what I'm going to live with. If he and his current girlfriend meet a sad ending (oh no...) then I will gladly be there for him until we part for college, and longer. For right now, my mind thinks of him, and my heart yearns for him. They think mixed up things. My heart also throws up red flags when we flirt; getting close and sharing laughs and secrets. These secrets and laughs make me feel butterflies. Good and Bad. I'll take them, because I'm glad to know that I still feel something for him. Do I still love him? I don't know. You tell me.