So a couple days ago, I let him know that I accidentally planned my bonfire on his birthday. Of course he was unhappy, I would be too. We argued about that, and I found out some things that I did, but didn't want to know. He told me he was breaking his own rules, planning this dinner for his birthday for me, and I felt mad! I have no idea why. I guess, I wanted this to be a one-sided thing. I wanted to be the one left, and left to move on. That's how it was going to be for all of my friends that left. I figured he would make and effort to stay close to me after he left, and that if he didn't so be it, I would be able to move on easier. But what the heck?! Now he is acting so guarded and distant, and I have a feeling it's all because of me. He looked so sad last night, I didn't know what to do. I felt like he avoided me for a majority of the night. I didn't want to ask him what was wrong, because I knew it would set off some nasty sparks. I noticed he wandered alone a couple times last night, but I didn't ask about that either. I have a feeling that I know what is going on, but then again, I'm so clueless and nervous, that I'm not sure what I should say or do.
I'm really afraid for how tonight will go. I relayed to someone my fears, and they told me to just act super happy, but how can I act that things are so good when everyone is leaving, especially him? How can I act so cheerful when I know that he is upset, and I am the cause of it? I just hope that this dinner is just as special as he had wanted, because I don't want to ruin the last time I will hang out with him for a very long time.
He and I have crossed so many boundaries, stepped over so many lines, and broken so many rules this summer, I would hate for that to end on a bad note. Especially since I wouldn't trade the world for those moments. I have never felt so happy, but hurt at the same time. This mixed-up, complicated feelings, I'm sure, are nowhere near their end. I'm sure this is only the beginning of the turmoil and bliss that is sure to come in the future.
I'm really afraid for how tonight will go. I relayed to someone my fears, and they told me to just act super happy, but how can I act that things are so good when everyone is leaving, especially him? How can I act so cheerful when I know that he is upset, and I am the cause of it? I just hope that this dinner is just as special as he had wanted, because I don't want to ruin the last time I will hang out with him for a very long time.
He and I have crossed so many boundaries, stepped over so many lines, and broken so many rules this summer, I would hate for that to end on a bad note. Especially since I wouldn't trade the world for those moments. I have never felt so happy, but hurt at the same time. This mixed-up, complicated feelings, I'm sure, are nowhere near their end. I'm sure this is only the beginning of the turmoil and bliss that is sure to come in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment